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nelsoneggs.bsky.social
That's Nelson Eggs
@nelsoneggs.bsky.social
370 followers 590 following 950 posts
I will not stop drawing eggs doing stuff until my hands fall off and I'm blind and there's nothing you can do about it except cut off my hands and throw acid in my face
he/him
patreon.com/thatsnelsoneggs
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Reposted by That's Nelson Eggs
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
This comic is from 2019, but it was an idea originally about the first time traveler who immediately gets mugged by time traveling baptists who steal his time machine to meet Jesus, find he's ordinary, then set up the conditions to make what was written about him true. #webcomic
6 panel comic: 1. Dr. Philhead, a bug-eyed potato that looks like Dr. Phil's head with arms and legs, sits in a chair on the set of The Dr. Philhead Show, saying, "So, Hank...I hear you have an interesting story you want to tell." 2. Hank, a nelson egg, sits in a chair opposite Dr. Philhead and says, "Yes, sir, Dr. Philhead, sir. It all started when I invented a time machine." 3. Closeup on Hank with a chyron under him that says, "Hank the Inventor Nutty Kook". Hank says, "Two years from now, I made the machine in my garage. The first attempt sent me two months into the past, into my home." 4. Wide shot of the two of them in their chairs as Hank continues explaining, "after I learned how to control when and where I would end up, I wanted to go back to when I could meet Kazaam and witness his miracles." 5. Closeup of Hank saying, "then I found out Shaq is not really a genie and my time machine was stolen by time-traveling fundamentalists who refused to accept the fact that their god is just a basketball player. They made Kazaam to justify their religion. It's all fake. It's just a bullshit movie." 6. Wide shot of the two of them again. Dr. Philhead looks angry. A time traveler is stepping out of a black tear in space behind them and saying, "you're under arrest for temporal blasphemy!"
November 11, 2025 at 4:00 AM
Reposted by That's Nelson Eggs
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
I heard the people of tik tok are eating caviar so here's a comic from 2018. Read my comics and eat caviar if you must. #webcomic
6 panel comic: 1. A nelson egg with a peg leg, eye patch, and pirate bandana/hat combo says, "everyone expects you to have caviar at your parties?" 2. Closeup on the nelson egg holding a small jar and saying, "surprise them with the new best damn caviar on the market." 3. A closeup on the jar of caviar. Caption above the jar says, "Nelson caviar is the fucking best!" The jar says, "That's Nelson Caviar" and features and odd looking fish pooping out eggs that are meant to look like they're joining the caviar inside across the bottom of the label. 4. The nelson egg is opening the jar of caviar and saying, "it's the only caviar that comes with a spoon inside..." 5. A hand digs in the open jar of caviar, spilling it. 6. A hand holds a small spoon full of caviar. Caption says, "eat 'em before they get away" Some of the caviar have little stick-limbs and are running away. One says, "don't eat me!" Another says, "help!" Another has jumped from the spoon and shouts, "fuck this!"
November 11, 2025 at 4:40 AM
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
Saw it suggested that chatgpt could help with writer's block and I think what could actually help is looking at Joyce Carol Oates' bibliography and considering clocking in for a shift of bullying a billionaire online. I bet she's written two books since Saturday.
November 11, 2025 at 5:11 AM
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
I heard the people of tik tok are eating caviar so here's a comic from 2018. Read my comics and eat caviar if you must. #webcomic
6 panel comic: 1. A nelson egg with a peg leg, eye patch, and pirate bandana/hat combo says, "everyone expects you to have caviar at your parties?" 2. Closeup on the nelson egg holding a small jar and saying, "surprise them with the new best damn caviar on the market." 3. A closeup on the jar of caviar. Caption above the jar says, "Nelson caviar is the fucking best!" The jar says, "That's Nelson Caviar" and features and odd looking fish pooping out eggs that are meant to look like they're joining the caviar inside across the bottom of the label. 4. The nelson egg is opening the jar of caviar and saying, "it's the only caviar that comes with a spoon inside..." 5. A hand digs in the open jar of caviar, spilling it. 6. A hand holds a small spoon full of caviar. Caption says, "eat 'em before they get away" Some of the caviar have little stick-limbs and are running away. One says, "don't eat me!" Another says, "help!" Another has jumped from the spoon and shouts, "fuck this!"
November 11, 2025 at 4:40 AM
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
This comic is from 2019, but it was an idea originally about the first time traveler who immediately gets mugged by time traveling baptists who steal his time machine to meet Jesus, find he's ordinary, then set up the conditions to make what was written about him true. #webcomic
6 panel comic: 1. Dr. Philhead, a bug-eyed potato that looks like Dr. Phil's head with arms and legs, sits in a chair on the set of The Dr. Philhead Show, saying, "So, Hank...I hear you have an interesting story you want to tell." 2. Hank, a nelson egg, sits in a chair opposite Dr. Philhead and says, "Yes, sir, Dr. Philhead, sir. It all started when I invented a time machine." 3. Closeup on Hank with a chyron under him that says, "Hank the Inventor Nutty Kook". Hank says, "Two years from now, I made the machine in my garage. The first attempt sent me two months into the past, into my home." 4. Wide shot of the two of them in their chairs as Hank continues explaining, "after I learned how to control when and where I would end up, I wanted to go back to when I could meet Kazaam and witness his miracles." 5. Closeup of Hank saying, "then I found out Shaq is not really a genie and my time machine was stolen by time-traveling fundamentalists who refused to accept the fact that their god is just a basketball player. They made Kazaam to justify their religion. It's all fake. It's just a bullshit movie." 6. Wide shot of the two of them again. Dr. Philhead looks angry. A time traveler is stepping out of a black tear in space behind them and saying, "you're under arrest for temporal blasphemy!"
November 11, 2025 at 4:00 AM
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
Winning a bunch of elections overwhelmingly is when you get to compromise with the losers. Joining the losers is obviously the point of winning.
November 10, 2025 at 3:11 AM
Reposted by That's Nelson Eggs
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
Has this ever happened to you!? #webcomic
6 panel comic: 1. A nelson egg stands in a corner while another nelson egg runs toward them waving a hand and saying, "Hank! I want to show you something neat!" 2. Hank has turned around to face the running nelson egg and says, "okay, I'm not doing anything anyway." 3. The other nelson egg leans in close to Hank and says "watch." The nelson egg grabs a small pink thread in Hank's shell. 4. The nelson egg pulls the pink thread out and it shifts to orange. 5. Hank is beginning to shrivel and is lifted off his feet as the nelson egg pulls the thread out more. The thread changes color every foot or so, so it's pink, orange, green, blue, and purple. 6. Hank is really shriveled now and floating above the nelson egg who is still pulling the multicolored thread out, and it is just coiling around on the floor.
November 9, 2025 at 1:14 AM
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
Has this ever happened to you!? #webcomic
6 panel comic: 1. A nelson egg stands in a corner while another nelson egg runs toward them waving a hand and saying, "Hank! I want to show you something neat!" 2. Hank has turned around to face the running nelson egg and says, "okay, I'm not doing anything anyway." 3. The other nelson egg leans in close to Hank and says "watch." The nelson egg grabs a small pink thread in Hank's shell. 4. The nelson egg pulls the pink thread out and it shifts to orange. 5. Hank is beginning to shrivel and is lifted off his feet as the nelson egg pulls the thread out more. The thread changes color every foot or so, so it's pink, orange, green, blue, and purple. 6. Hank is really shriveled now and floating above the nelson egg who is still pulling the multicolored thread out, and it is just coiling around on the floor.
November 9, 2025 at 1:14 AM
Reposted by That's Nelson Eggs
aaronderschaedel.bsky.social
Arm wrestling is for Hanks, Tom.
nelsoneggs.bsky.social That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 6d
Arm wrestling is for Hanks, Tom. #webcomic
6 panel comic: 1. A nelson egg is flexing their biceps and saying, "is no one strong enough to compete with me?" In the background, another nelson egg is leaving the room, rubbing one of the biceps. 2. The nelson egg points at a crowd of nelson egg in the room and says, "your weakness bores me." 3. The nelson egg begins pacing the room and says, "defeating you has been like tearing wet paper!" 4. A nelson egg with two octopus-like tentacles instead of arms raises a tentacle and says, "I'd like to try, Hank." 5. Hank puts his fists on his hips and looks at the tentacle-armed nelson egg and says, "you, Tom? Haha, no. It's arm wrestling, not tentacle wrestling. Don't be silly." 6. Hank raises his fist and finishes, "arm wrestling is for Hanks, Tom."
November 7, 2025 at 11:41 AM
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
Arm wrestling is for Hanks, Tom. #webcomic
6 panel comic: 1. A nelson egg is flexing their biceps and saying, "is no one strong enough to compete with me?" In the background, another nelson egg is leaving the room, rubbing one of the biceps. 2. The nelson egg points at a crowd of nelson egg in the room and says, "your weakness bores me." 3. The nelson egg begins pacing the room and says, "defeating you has been like tearing wet paper!" 4. A nelson egg with two octopus-like tentacles instead of arms raises a tentacle and says, "I'd like to try, Hank." 5. Hank puts his fists on his hips and looks at the tentacle-armed nelson egg and says, "you, Tom? Haha, no. It's arm wrestling, not tentacle wrestling. Don't be silly." 6. Hank raises his fist and finishes, "arm wrestling is for Hanks, Tom."
November 7, 2025 at 5:05 AM
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
@benstiller.redhour.com quick question; if I were to write a book about how Fight Club is just The Cable Guy in a cool leather jacket would you write the forward?
nelsoneggs.bsky.social That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · Nov 25
For a while I've been meaning to write a whole thing about the similarities of these movies and it's pretty obvious I'm never going to get around to it so if you'll just watch them again (or for the first time whatever) you'll see that I'm right.
A Nelson Egg in cluse-up says, "it's pretty obvious to me that Fight Club was just a remake of The Cable Guy. A dude with a floundering romantic life and a boss he hates meets an imposing friend who forces him to confront his stagnant life. One of them ends with them fighting on top of a satellite dish that gets destroyed, freeing people from their damned tvs. The other ends with them fighting in a building they planned to destroy while other buildings blow up to free people from debt." The fifth panel pulls out to reveal the Nelson Egg is on the witness stand in court. The judge says, "Mr. Hank, if you won't stop rambling about irrelevant shit I will hold you in contempt of court, okay?" Hank replies, "but there's so much more to say about the movies!"
November 5, 2025 at 7:30 AM
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
The man who apologized to Dick Cheney for getting shot in the face by Dick Cheney died a couple years ago so neither will be attending my party celebrating the 20th anniversary of Dick Cheney Shooting a Guy in the Face, but you're all still invited it's in February
November 4, 2025 at 4:22 PM
Reposted by That's Nelson Eggs
ironspike.bsky.social
Gut party leadership immediately, they do not win elections and they don't want to.
November 4, 2025 at 3:48 PM
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
The queue for Cheney's viewing is going to be long but stay in line. If you're in line before it closes, stay in line. They can't turn you away and you will get to spit on his corpse. You just have to stay in line.
November 4, 2025 at 3:49 PM
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
I'm hearing the guys are on high alert this morning but I don't think Cheney's death is contagious and while I appreciate their optimism and commitment to their job, I still don't think we should pay guys to follow him with a coffin
nelsoneggs.bsky.social That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 27d
I don't think it's an appropriate use of taxpayer money to have a team of guys following Mitch McConnell around with an open coffin, attempting to catch him every time he falls. I just want it to be clear I'm against that and I don't think it's funny.
November 4, 2025 at 1:28 PM
Reposted by That's Nelson Eggs
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
An unfortunate misunderstanding
Two Nelson Eggs put a flaming paper bag of dog shit on someone's front porch. From a distance they watch, confused, as the Nelson Egg answers the door and stands there as the fire grows out of control. The front page of the latest Nelsonews features the headline "DOG SHIT ARSONISTS KILL AGAIN"
October 13, 2023 at 5:53 PM
Reposted by That's Nelson Eggs
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
I was inspired by Matthew Broderick's 1999 masterpiece, Inspector Gadget, when I drew this.
A Nelson Egg looks up with his arms raised. Another Nelson Egg looks down and asks, "are you ready? The first Nelson Egg uses both hands to flip off the second Nelson Egg. The second Nelson Egg gives a thumbs up and says, "okay. From on top of a small store called "Shit's Free" the second Nelson Egg holds a brick above their head and shouts, "GO GO GADGET BRICK!" The first Nelson Egg stands ready to receive the brick as it is thrown toward him.
October 14, 2023 at 6:27 PM
Reposted by That's Nelson Eggs
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
I was driving in 2019 when I had this idea. Hit me in the head like it was the most obvious idea, and I couldn't wait to draw it. If you have a snake, have you ever given it little arms and legs? #webcomics
6 panel comic 1. A nelson egg holds a small gift and has thrown some confetti, saying, "happy birthday, Lord Poots!" 2. A close up of his hand as it places the gift near a snake. 3 The nelson egg removes the top of the gift box and the snake sticks its head in the box. The nelson egg says, "I hope you like them." 4. A close up of the snake, having pulled the box over and almost spilled the contents, is deep in the box. 5. The snake rears up and has two human-like arms attached to its sides near its head. Lord Poots says, "I...I love them so much." 6. Lord Poots walks on human-like legs, attached further down its body, in an empty terrarium. In the background, the nelson egg gives a thumbs up. Lord Poots says, "they're perfect."
November 3, 2024 at 5:28 AM
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
It's been a very long month so I haven't been able to work on it much, but 1700 words is more than 0 words.
nelsoneggs.bsky.social That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · Sep 5
Always willing to write this series of novels about the terrible private detective named Tucker Carlson if there are any publishers willing to pick it up. I've written several short detective stories if you want samples, Simon & Schuster. #webcomic
6 panel comic: 1. Closeup of a nelson egg saying, "So, it's about a private detective who is terrible at his job. Just awful." 2. The nelson egg is sitting in a small container talking to another nelson egg. They appear to be surrounded by garbage. The nelson egg continues, "someone hires him to find their missing spouse and he just makes shit up to keep them paying his fee." 3. The nelson egg continues, "when his client is arrested for murdering the person he was hired to find, he has to defend his client in court with all his bullshit lies." 4. The nelson egg continues, "also, and this is the most important thing, he never wipes or washes his ass." 5. The nelson egg concludes, "the book is finished and it's called "Tucker Carlson and the Spouse Who was Missing, Actually, and I Don't Know What Smells of Shit but I Bet You Stepped in Something." 6. The two nelson egg are finally standing up, revealing they've been sitting in a dumpster labeled "Simon and Schuster". The other nelson egg says, "Sounds good. Could it be the start of a series of novels?"
November 1, 2025 at 9:54 AM
Reposted by That's Nelson Eggs
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
This was a pitch I put together for A&E for a show about a ghost realtor trying to find homes for the newly deceased and when I met with the network executives they said, "no." I heard one of them whisper, "how am I supposed to masturbate to THAT?" during my demonstration. #webcomic
6 panel comic: 1. 2 nelson eggs are touring a house. One says, "this house has 17 bedrooms, 2 kitchens, 1.5 bathrooms and a shed out back." 2. The other nelson egg responds, "wow, this is perfect." 3. They appear to be moving around the house without moving their legs. The first nelson egg says, "yep. Plenty of space for you and your stupid kids." 4. A third nelson egg walks by in the background carrying a box. The second nelson egg says, "yep. They'll love this house. Um...who's that?" 5. The first nelson egg gestures towards the nelson egg walking by with the box and says, "that's one of the Hanks that lives here, but they won't bother you. As you know, the living rarely see us, can't do anything about us, and will die sooner than you think." 6. The second nelson egg crosses their arms and says, "didn't I tell you I don't want to haunt the living?"
October 30, 2025 at 6:51 AM
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
This was a pitch I put together for A&E for a show about a ghost realtor trying to find homes for the newly deceased and when I met with the network executives they said, "no." I heard one of them whisper, "how am I supposed to masturbate to THAT?" during my demonstration. #webcomic
6 panel comic: 1. 2 nelson eggs are touring a house. One says, "this house has 17 bedrooms, 2 kitchens, 1.5 bathrooms and a shed out back." 2. The other nelson egg responds, "wow, this is perfect." 3. They appear to be moving around the house without moving their legs. The first nelson egg says, "yep. Plenty of space for you and your stupid kids." 4. A third nelson egg walks by in the background carrying a box. The second nelson egg says, "yep. They'll love this house. Um...who's that?" 5. The first nelson egg gestures towards the nelson egg walking by with the box and says, "that's one of the Hanks that lives here, but they won't bother you. As you know, the living rarely see us, can't do anything about us, and will die sooner than you think." 6. The second nelson egg crosses their arms and says, "didn't I tell you I don't want to haunt the living?"
October 30, 2025 at 6:51 AM
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
Do I think it would be ethical to open a zoo and give all the animals whatever drugs will make them uncontrollably horny so you can call it All Day Fuck Zoo? No, of course not. That would be dangerous.
nelsoneggs.bsky.social That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 15d
The fine print on all zoo tickets says you can't get a refund if none of the animals become aroused when they see you coming around. #webcomic
6 panel comic: 1. A nelson egg is dumping animal food onto the floor near a sign that is labeled "DO NOT ENTER". Another nelson egg gestures at them and says, "excuse me! Are you the manager of this disaster?" 2. The manager replies, "well, I object to your characterization of this place as a disaster, but yes. I am the manager." 3. The other nelson egg points at the ground and says, "well this is certainly the worst zoo I've ever seen. My kids hate it too." Behind the nelson egg is two smaller nelson eggs, presumably kids. One is staring at a snake. The other is standing with arms crossed. 4. Close up of the parent nelson egg saying, "we've been all over the place twice and absolutely none of the animals are fertilizing their eggs." 5. The parent nelson egg continues, "they're all just sleeping or eating or pooping or reading or filling out insurance forms or starting improv groups of getting really drunk." The arms-crossed kid is stomping off toward the snake watcher because the snake watcher has started tapping on the glass of the snake's habitat. 6. The parent nelson egg finishes, "we would just like to see some fucking."
October 29, 2025 at 3:25 PM
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
The fine print on all zoo tickets says you can't get a refund if none of the animals become aroused when they see you coming around. #webcomic
6 panel comic: 1. A nelson egg is dumping animal food onto the floor near a sign that is labeled "DO NOT ENTER". Another nelson egg gestures at them and says, "excuse me! Are you the manager of this disaster?" 2. The manager replies, "well, I object to your characterization of this place as a disaster, but yes. I am the manager." 3. The other nelson egg points at the ground and says, "well this is certainly the worst zoo I've ever seen. My kids hate it too." Behind the nelson egg is two smaller nelson eggs, presumably kids. One is staring at a snake. The other is standing with arms crossed. 4. Close up of the parent nelson egg saying, "we've been all over the place twice and absolutely none of the animals are fertilizing their eggs." 5. The parent nelson egg continues, "they're all just sleeping or eating or pooping or reading or filling out insurance forms or starting improv groups of getting really drunk." The arms-crossed kid is stomping off toward the snake watcher because the snake watcher has started tapping on the glass of the snake's habitat. 6. The parent nelson egg finishes, "we would just like to see some fucking."
October 29, 2025 at 5:01 AM
Reposted by That's Nelson Eggs
bonk-stremch.bsky.social
My favorite That's Nelson Eggs comic! It's a very important message. I have this framed up in my hallway.~
nelsoneggs.bsky.social That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 16d
From 2020. Parodying a Geraldo Rivera special from 1986 just to say FUCK TERFS because they fucking suck. #webcomic
6 panel comic: So, this comic is referencing Geraldo Rivera's tv special "The Mystery of Al Capone's Vaults". 1. Standing outside of a bank, a nelson egg says, "Hello and welcome to The Tomb of the Last Human Live! I'm Hank Nelson!" 2. Close up on Hank saying, "legend says the last human crawled into this building 400 years ago to die alone." 3. Hank is walking through the completely generic bank with assorted crap strewn about. A velvet rope is laying on the floor. Hank says, "they've been sealed in a tomb here and we're about to open it for the first time. What treasures did the human take with them?" 4. Hank stands outside of a bank vault door while another nelson egg is attempting to open it. Hank says, "Alright, open it up!" 5. Hank stands in a safety deposit vault. There is a human skeleton on the floor. On the wall above the skeleton, graffiti says "FUCK TERFS" and there are two graffiti middle fingers on either side of "FUCK TERFS". Hank says, "alright, well...there's no treasure, but there's the skeleton, as you'd expect, and they painted something on the wall: a final message." 6. Close up on Hank gesturing towards the "FUCK TERFS" graffiti and saying, "I don't know what it means but it must've been pretty important in human culture."
October 28, 2025 at 4:54 PM
Reposted by That's Nelson Eggs
nelsoneggs.bsky.social
From 2019. It was a weird time. There were apparently, allegedly, people who were strictly fans of Marvel movies, and people who were strictly fans of DC movies, and Scorsese called them all amusement park movies or something like that and they were not happy. #webcomic
6 panel comic: 1. A nelson egg lays on the floor in front of a refrigerator, reaching under it with one arm. Another nelson egg stands nearby saying, "I'm sure I dropped them right here. You don't see them or feel anything?" 2. The nelson egg digging under the fridge is now on their knees looking into their hand and saying, "no it's just the usual crap you'd expect to find." 3. The other nelson egg says, "but Hank, they're my opinions. If we don't find them, how can I post them online?" 4. Hank is digging through the crap in his hand that he found under the fridge and says, "yeah, there's just like...peanuts and dust and, um, a few pennies. Wait, is this what you're looking for?" A few lines make it look like whatever he's holding is shining. 5. Hank hands the shining whatever over to the other nelson egg who says, "although Batman vs. Superman is the greatest film ever made, Scorsese and Coppola should shut up about Marvel movies. They're just jealous. Yes, this is them. Thank you." 6. Hank points at the other nelson eggs shining hand full of opinions and says, "...you should put that back under the fridge and forget about it."
October 27, 2025 at 8:26 AM