Local Turnip
@lordturnip.bsky.social
I kinda remember when things were slightly okay.
I love horror movies, cooking, reading, and sass. ๐
I love horror movies, cooking, reading, and sass. ๐
I was logging what I ate today in my calorie tracking app and my phone battery got really hot, and then the phone powered off.
Is that good?
Is that good?
February 13, 2026 at 7:34 PM
I was logging what I ate today in my calorie tracking app and my phone battery got really hot, and then the phone powered off.
Is that good?
Is that good?
Most transit announcements I hear sounds like they are spoken through an electrified wet sock.
February 12, 2026 at 5:01 PM
Most transit announcements I hear sounds like they are spoken through an electrified wet sock.
Never mind. I ate a muffin.
I've given up carbs until lunch. Wish me luck.
February 12, 2026 at 3:18 PM
Never mind. I ate a muffin.
I've given up carbs until lunch. Wish me luck.
February 12, 2026 at 3:03 PM
I've given up carbs until lunch. Wish me luck.
Generally I can't get over this administration's all-star line-up of evil fuckers and dangerous half-wits.
February 11, 2026 at 7:30 PM
Generally I can't get over this administration's all-star line-up of evil fuckers and dangerous half-wits.
This is reality, right? I'm not sure anymore.
February 11, 2026 at 7:05 PM
This is reality, right? I'm not sure anymore.
Maybe an apple fritter will make me feel something
February 11, 2026 at 5:31 PM
Maybe an apple fritter will make me feel something
My coworker says she cries every morning when she drops off her child at daycare.
So what? I cry every morning I drop myself off on the bus. It's cleansing! And I often get a seat.
So what? I cry every morning I drop myself off on the bus. It's cleansing! And I often get a seat.
February 11, 2026 at 4:32 PM
My coworker says she cries every morning when she drops off her child at daycare.
So what? I cry every morning I drop myself off on the bus. It's cleansing! And I often get a seat.
So what? I cry every morning I drop myself off on the bus. It's cleansing! And I often get a seat.
HASSETT: Aw shucks, he ain't never done nothin' to me. He's a real swell fella.
February 11, 2026 at 3:05 PM
HASSETT: Aw shucks, he ain't never done nothin' to me. He's a real swell fella.
And all the maple syrup will evaporate, and every Canadian goose will explode like a phosphorous grenade.
February 10, 2026 at 7:43 PM
And all the maple syrup will evaporate, and every Canadian goose will explode like a phosphorous grenade.
Shouldn't they be called The Trump Files at this point?
February 10, 2026 at 7:35 PM
Shouldn't they be called The Trump Files at this point?
It will for certain do nothing, but the world appreciates the effort.
February 10, 2026 at 7:05 PM
It will for certain do nothing, but the world appreciates the effort.
*mushroom cloud rises on the horizon*
February 10, 2026 at 7:02 PM
*mushroom cloud rises on the horizon*
Yawning so hard I almost dislocated my jaw
February 10, 2026 at 5:48 PM
Yawning so hard I almost dislocated my jaw
This dickhead has the same answer for every question. Maybe one day he'll be important enough to be kept in the goddamn loop.
February 10, 2026 at 4:37 PM
This dickhead has the same answer for every question. Maybe one day he'll be important enough to be kept in the goddamn loop.
"Guys! I made an artisanal arugula salad to go wi-" *immediately punched in face and explodes through living room window*
February 9, 2026 at 9:59 PM
"Guys! I made an artisanal arugula salad to go wi-" *immediately punched in face and explodes through living room window*
I heard the same person say that if enough of these people on scooters are killed they may learn to ride safely & not so fast.
Do you hear yourself, Linda!? You're saying more vehicular manslaughter is the solution!? If enough humans are crushed by your murder-mobile you'll have a carefree drive!?
Do you hear yourself, Linda!? You're saying more vehicular manslaughter is the solution!? If enough humans are crushed by your murder-mobile you'll have a carefree drive!?
February 9, 2026 at 4:22 PM
I heard the same person say that if enough of these people on scooters are killed they may learn to ride safely & not so fast.
Do you hear yourself, Linda!? You're saying more vehicular manslaughter is the solution!? If enough humans are crushed by your murder-mobile you'll have a carefree drive!?
Do you hear yourself, Linda!? You're saying more vehicular manslaughter is the solution!? If enough humans are crushed by your murder-mobile you'll have a carefree drive!?
It's insane hearing drivers calling people on scooters and bikes "a menace". Really? A menace??
If there is a collision between your car and a cyclist, you're saying the person most likely to be instantly killed is the menace?? Pure insanity.
If there is a collision between your car and a cyclist, you're saying the person most likely to be instantly killed is the menace?? Pure insanity.
February 9, 2026 at 4:22 PM
It's insane hearing drivers calling people on scooters and bikes "a menace". Really? A menace??
If there is a collision between your car and a cyclist, you're saying the person most likely to be instantly killed is the menace?? Pure insanity.
If there is a collision between your car and a cyclist, you're saying the person most likely to be instantly killed is the menace?? Pure insanity.
Donโt tell me whatโs happening outside. Iโm making stew. This is my world now.
February 8, 2026 at 9:52 PM
Donโt tell me whatโs happening outside. Iโm making stew. This is my world now.
Reposted by Local Turnip
Clapping my flippers together and honking like a harbor seal when a Super Bowl ad for a condiment or gambling app featuring two celebrities unexpectedly reveals a third celebrity as its punchline. Bouncing a ball around on my snout. My wife has to throw me a herring to get me to calm down.
February 6, 2026 at 6:24 PM
Clapping my flippers together and honking like a harbor seal when a Super Bowl ad for a condiment or gambling app featuring two celebrities unexpectedly reveals a third celebrity as its punchline. Bouncing a ball around on my snout. My wife has to throw me a herring to get me to calm down.
And enough with these dinner gender reveal parties. I don't give a darn what your pasta identifies as!
February 6, 2026 at 3:55 PM
And enough with these dinner gender reveal parties. I don't give a darn what your pasta identifies as!
If you pray near him he'll burst into flames
February 5, 2026 at 9:56 PM
If you pray near him he'll burst into flames
Oh, what, so we're doing an Italian Olympics now?? And no one even asked me to represent the country in Spaghetti? I'd bring home the gold for sure!
February 5, 2026 at 7:57 PM
Oh, what, so we're doing an Italian Olympics now?? And no one even asked me to represent the country in Spaghetti? I'd bring home the gold for sure!