If your intrusive thoughts aren't telling you to plop some mayonnaise in the protein smoothie then congrats on getting to live life in starter mode

Is anyone else surprised gen z haven't started wearing those cat in the hat hats we used to wear yet

Ever misplace the vape pen and wander aimlessly searching for it so much that you wonder if you've actually been dead for 14 years and that it's time to let go and accept that it's gone so your spirit can finally move on

Just got back from the future, turns out the people celebrating concentration camps for farm workers are gonna be the first ones to resort to cannibalism

Since anything goes they should redo that 70s Disney movie Aristocats but as a live action musical narrated by AI Gilbert Gottfried and rated whatever comes after R

Guest at my mom's easter feast:

"This can of cranberry sauce has really outdone itself. *evil grin* It has aged splendidly."

Do you think aliens go around marking surfaces with crude representations of their bizarre reproductive organs or is that just an earth thing

Happy corporate buying freeze day for all who observe! Don't worry about anyone saying you're a Bad Leftist™️ for participating, it won't be enough to bend the knees of our bourgeois captors but it is good practice for mass coordinated actions & an excellent opportunity for us to reflect on things

Guy On Doomed Planet Mostly Concerned With Skin Color Of People In Movies
theonion.com/guy-on-...

Based on a true story of takeout treachery.

[you find a mysterious charging port on your body]

oh no

[also it’s not usb-c]

OH NO

Feeling heartbroken? Well be thankful you're not heartunfolded