Cristela Alonzo
@cristela.bsky.social
Stand-up comic.
Sometimes I sit down.
Got 2 specials on Netflix.
Made TV history.
I’m a yellow car.
I wrote a book.
Thrifter and vintagerererrrrrr.
cristelaalonzo.com
Sometimes I sit down.
Got 2 specials on Netflix.
Made TV history.
I’m a yellow car.
I wrote a book.
Thrifter and vintagerererrrrrr.
cristelaalonzo.com
Stay tuned for tomorrow. Announcing cities tomorrow and tickets will be on sale this week too. And yes….I will be adding more cities.
Custom @lego minifig from their website. I ordered brown hair. For some reason it looks reddish in this pic? 🤷🏻♀️
Custom @lego minifig from their website. I ordered brown hair. For some reason it looks reddish in this pic? 🤷🏻♀️
November 16, 2025 at 10:47 PM
Stay tuned for tomorrow. Announcing cities tomorrow and tickets will be on sale this week too. And yes….I will be adding more cities.
Custom @lego minifig from their website. I ordered brown hair. For some reason it looks reddish in this pic? 🤷🏻♀️
Custom @lego minifig from their website. I ordered brown hair. For some reason it looks reddish in this pic? 🤷🏻♀️
Hi! #UpperClassy will stream globally on @NetflixIsAJoke September 23!
Countdown starts now: 5 weeks.
I’m teaching my family (and myself) how to enjoy life…whether we like it or not. Truth is, the problem isn’t that you don’t work enough, it’s that you work too much. 🇲🇽❤️🇺🇸
Countdown starts now: 5 weeks.
I’m teaching my family (and myself) how to enjoy life…whether we like it or not. Truth is, the problem isn’t that you don’t work enough, it’s that you work too much. 🇲🇽❤️🇺🇸
August 19, 2025 at 8:24 PM
Hi! #UpperClassy will stream globally on @NetflixIsAJoke September 23!
Countdown starts now: 5 weeks.
I’m teaching my family (and myself) how to enjoy life…whether we like it or not. Truth is, the problem isn’t that you don’t work enough, it’s that you work too much. 🇲🇽❤️🇺🇸
Countdown starts now: 5 weeks.
I’m teaching my family (and myself) how to enjoy life…whether we like it or not. Truth is, the problem isn’t that you don’t work enough, it’s that you work too much. 🇲🇽❤️🇺🇸
It’s crazy that I have to announce an announcement but this algorithm is no joke. Ay nos vemos mañana.
August 19, 2025 at 4:23 AM
It’s crazy that I have to announce an announcement but this algorithm is no joke. Ay nos vemos mañana.
NEXT SHOWS: BREA, CA
Tickets on sale NOW! I’m coming to do THREE shows the Brea IMPROV in August. After that, I don’t have any shows in the books for a while. That’s it for stand-up for a bit…but only for a little bit.
GET TICKETS HERE: improv.com/brea/comic/c...
Tickets on sale NOW! I’m coming to do THREE shows the Brea IMPROV in August. After that, I don’t have any shows in the books for a while. That’s it for stand-up for a bit…but only for a little bit.
GET TICKETS HERE: improv.com/brea/comic/c...
June 18, 2025 at 11:42 PM
NEXT SHOWS: BREA, CA
Tickets on sale NOW! I’m coming to do THREE shows the Brea IMPROV in August. After that, I don’t have any shows in the books for a while. That’s it for stand-up for a bit…but only for a little bit.
GET TICKETS HERE: improv.com/brea/comic/c...
Tickets on sale NOW! I’m coming to do THREE shows the Brea IMPROV in August. After that, I don’t have any shows in the books for a while. That’s it for stand-up for a bit…but only for a little bit.
GET TICKETS HERE: improv.com/brea/comic/c...
THE SMOKE! DO WE HAVE A POPE???!!!!
I think we have a new Pope!!! I just saw it live on TV and it made me so excited!!!!
I think we have a new Pope!!! I just saw it live on TV and it made me so excited!!!!
May 8, 2025 at 4:11 PM
THE SMOKE! DO WE HAVE A POPE???!!!!
I think we have a new Pope!!! I just saw it live on TV and it made me so excited!!!!
I think we have a new Pope!!! I just saw it live on TV and it made me so excited!!!!
Due to rising costs due to the tariffs, my thoughts and prayers will now be condensed to a high-five.
May 6, 2025 at 4:35 PM
Due to rising costs due to the tariffs, my thoughts and prayers will now be condensed to a high-five.
THIS WEEKEND: PHOENIX!
Well technically, Chandler, AZ. Doing FOUR shows @micdropcomedychandler this weekend and I prepare to shoot my THIRD Netflix special in Dallas. SIX MORE WEEKS!
Tickets here: www.micdropcomedychandler.com/events/111762
Well technically, Chandler, AZ. Doing FOUR shows @micdropcomedychandler this weekend and I prepare to shoot my THIRD Netflix special in Dallas. SIX MORE WEEKS!
Tickets here: www.micdropcomedychandler.com/events/111762
May 5, 2025 at 9:38 PM
THIS WEEKEND: PHOENIX!
Well technically, Chandler, AZ. Doing FOUR shows @micdropcomedychandler this weekend and I prepare to shoot my THIRD Netflix special in Dallas. SIX MORE WEEKS!
Tickets here: www.micdropcomedychandler.com/events/111762
Well technically, Chandler, AZ. Doing FOUR shows @micdropcomedychandler this weekend and I prepare to shoot my THIRD Netflix special in Dallas. SIX MORE WEEKS!
Tickets here: www.micdropcomedychandler.com/events/111762
I don't know what's more pathetic.
Trump not being able to stand that his polling numbers are in the crapper...or the people that thought he'd do a good job.
Everyone I mentioned does a good job of blaming everyone else for their own problems though.
Trump not being able to stand that his polling numbers are in the crapper...or the people that thought he'd do a good job.
Everyone I mentioned does a good job of blaming everyone else for their own problems though.
April 28, 2025 at 7:07 PM
I don't know what's more pathetic.
Trump not being able to stand that his polling numbers are in the crapper...or the people that thought he'd do a good job.
Everyone I mentioned does a good job of blaming everyone else for their own problems though.
Trump not being able to stand that his polling numbers are in the crapper...or the people that thought he'd do a good job.
Everyone I mentioned does a good job of blaming everyone else for their own problems though.
Canada...you have an election to vote for tomorrow.
Learn from the mistakes that idiots made here and vote correctly.
Learn from the mistakes that idiots made here and vote correctly.
April 28, 2025 at 6:24 AM
Canada...you have an election to vote for tomorrow.
Learn from the mistakes that idiots made here and vote correctly.
Learn from the mistakes that idiots made here and vote correctly.
Reposted by Cristela Alonzo
Stop what you’re doing & listen to this!
And now, a note on Bill Owens who, until this past week, was the executive producer of 60 Minutes.
We’ll be back next week with another edition of 60 Minutes.
We’ll be back next week with another edition of 60 Minutes.
April 28, 2025 at 2:28 AM
Stop what you’re doing & listen to this!
Don’t act all surprised like you didn’t know what you were voting for…
April 28, 2025 at 3:58 AM
Don’t act all surprised like you didn’t know what you were voting for…
I'm a @LAClippers fan. Became a season ticket holder in 2014. Didn't get season tickets this year because it's hard to have tickets to all the games when I'm on the road so much.
These playoffs have been really good so far but I think so far, our series against Nuggs is the best.
These playoffs have been really good so far but I think so far, our series against Nuggs is the best.
April 27, 2025 at 10:52 PM
I'm a @LAClippers fan. Became a season ticket holder in 2014. Didn't get season tickets this year because it's hard to have tickets to all the games when I'm on the road so much.
These playoffs have been really good so far but I think so far, our series against Nuggs is the best.
These playoffs have been really good so far but I think so far, our series against Nuggs is the best.
That Laker/Timbs game was intense as hell...AND THAT LAST CHALLENGE??? DUDE... THE AERIAL ANGLE WAS INSANE.
On the sides, you thought MAYBE it was LeBron...but from the top...it's ALL LeBron.
On the sides, you thought MAYBE it was LeBron...but from the top...it's ALL LeBron.
April 27, 2025 at 10:51 PM
That Laker/Timbs game was intense as hell...AND THAT LAST CHALLENGE??? DUDE... THE AERIAL ANGLE WAS INSANE.
On the sides, you thought MAYBE it was LeBron...but from the top...it's ALL LeBron.
On the sides, you thought MAYBE it was LeBron...but from the top...it's ALL LeBron.
HOW DO I HAVE MY MOM AND GRANDMA’S NAMES TAKING CARE OF ME TODAY???? What a moment. I wish you all had seen my face when I realized it!!!! It’s a sign. I know it. I accept it. God is good. ❤️🤯
April 27, 2025 at 6:52 PM
HOW DO I HAVE MY MOM AND GRANDMA’S NAMES TAKING CARE OF ME TODAY???? What a moment. I wish you all had seen my face when I realized it!!!! It’s a sign. I know it. I accept it. God is good. ❤️🤯
It's Saturday morning so I'm watching Columbo obviously. William Shatner is in this one. Someone in this episode did NOT live long and prosper though.
April 26, 2025 at 5:16 PM
It's Saturday morning so I'm watching Columbo obviously. William Shatner is in this one. Someone in this episode did NOT live long and prosper though.
Great quote from @katiephang.bsky.social on her final MSNBC show. From a letter her dad wrote years ago:
Live each day so that you will neither be afraid of tomorrow nor ashamed of yesterday.
Live each day so that you will neither be afraid of tomorrow nor ashamed of yesterday.
April 26, 2025 at 5:07 PM
Great quote from @katiephang.bsky.social on her final MSNBC show. From a letter her dad wrote years ago:
Live each day so that you will neither be afraid of tomorrow nor ashamed of yesterday.
Live each day so that you will neither be afraid of tomorrow nor ashamed of yesterday.
I just applied for Pope on Indeed!
April 22, 2025 at 3:23 AM
I just applied for Pope on Indeed!
We didn't let Trump finish the sentence. He wanted to say, "Make America Great Depression Again!"
April 22, 2025 at 12:28 AM
We didn't let Trump finish the sentence. He wanted to say, "Make America Great Depression Again!"
Hey @maddow.msnbc.com, I am Team Macho Whaddler
April 5, 2025 at 1:23 AM
Hey @maddow.msnbc.com, I am Team Macho Whaddler
NETFLIX TAPING: DALLAS, TEXAS. JUNE 14. THE MAJESTIC.
Tickets on sale THIS Wednesday (March 19 at 10 AM) for fans with the code: CLASSY
I started stand-up in Dallas in 2003 so when it was time to pick the location of the new special…I had to go back to where it all started.
Tickets on sale THIS Wednesday (March 19 at 10 AM) for fans with the code: CLASSY
I started stand-up in Dallas in 2003 so when it was time to pick the location of the new special…I had to go back to where it all started.
March 17, 2025 at 10:03 PM
NETFLIX TAPING: DALLAS, TEXAS. JUNE 14. THE MAJESTIC.
Tickets on sale THIS Wednesday (March 19 at 10 AM) for fans with the code: CLASSY
I started stand-up in Dallas in 2003 so when it was time to pick the location of the new special…I had to go back to where it all started.
Tickets on sale THIS Wednesday (March 19 at 10 AM) for fans with the code: CLASSY
I started stand-up in Dallas in 2003 so when it was time to pick the location of the new special…I had to go back to where it all started.
THIS MONDAY! ESTE LUNES!
I’ve done Lower and Middle so let’s finish out the stand-up trilogy with UPPER CLASSY! it’s going to be 🔥🔥🔥🔥…and I mean that because im shooting it in the middle of summer lol.
I’ve done Lower and Middle so let’s finish out the stand-up trilogy with UPPER CLASSY! it’s going to be 🔥🔥🔥🔥…and I mean that because im shooting it in the middle of summer lol.
March 15, 2025 at 8:21 PM
THIS MONDAY! ESTE LUNES!
I’ve done Lower and Middle so let’s finish out the stand-up trilogy with UPPER CLASSY! it’s going to be 🔥🔥🔥🔥…and I mean that because im shooting it in the middle of summer lol.
I’ve done Lower and Middle so let’s finish out the stand-up trilogy with UPPER CLASSY! it’s going to be 🔥🔥🔥🔥…and I mean that because im shooting it in the middle of summer lol.
THIS WEEKEND: SAN DIEGO!
Doing FIVE shows at Mic Drop Comedy Club! Prepping my hour that I’m shooting in June. Come check it out! Always love coming to the club! 😘
Tickets here: micdropcomedy.com/events/97840
Doing FIVE shows at Mic Drop Comedy Club! Prepping my hour that I’m shooting in June. Come check it out! Always love coming to the club! 😘
Tickets here: micdropcomedy.com/events/97840
March 7, 2025 at 5:11 AM
THIS WEEKEND: SAN DIEGO!
Doing FIVE shows at Mic Drop Comedy Club! Prepping my hour that I’m shooting in June. Come check it out! Always love coming to the club! 😘
Tickets here: micdropcomedy.com/events/97840
Doing FIVE shows at Mic Drop Comedy Club! Prepping my hour that I’m shooting in June. Come check it out! Always love coming to the club! 😘
Tickets here: micdropcomedy.com/events/97840
Trump hates Mexicans so much he changed Taco Tuesday to Tariff Tuesday.
March 5, 2025 at 6:57 AM
Trump hates Mexicans so much he changed Taco Tuesday to Tariff Tuesday.
President-elect Elon isn’t making VP Trump look very good.
Decorative soap JD Vance is nowhere to be found.
Decorative soap JD Vance is nowhere to be found.
December 21, 2024 at 12:30 AM
President-elect Elon isn’t making VP Trump look very good.
Decorative soap JD Vance is nowhere to be found.
Decorative soap JD Vance is nowhere to be found.
JUST ANNOUNCED! LOS ANGELES! I'm coming to The Wiltern on March 30! I'm doing ONE show The Wiltern - presale tickets go on sale TOMORROW morning!
🎤 Artist Presale starts Thursday 12/12 @ 10 AM Use Code: Classy
Ticket link for presale here: ticketmaster.com/event/09006186C11D3A10
🎤 Artist Presale starts Thursday 12/12 @ 10 AM Use Code: Classy
Ticket link for presale here: ticketmaster.com/event/09006186C11D3A10
December 12, 2024 at 12:10 AM
JUST ANNOUNCED! LOS ANGELES! I'm coming to The Wiltern on March 30! I'm doing ONE show The Wiltern - presale tickets go on sale TOMORROW morning!
🎤 Artist Presale starts Thursday 12/12 @ 10 AM Use Code: Classy
Ticket link for presale here: ticketmaster.com/event/09006186C11D3A10
🎤 Artist Presale starts Thursday 12/12 @ 10 AM Use Code: Classy
Ticket link for presale here: ticketmaster.com/event/09006186C11D3A10