But these past few years… have had some of our best moments. And I’m so sorry for the bad ones, and for the times I have been a barrier instead of a bridge.

My soul is only ever at peace when I am actively loving you.

When I was afraid I was crazy or being cautious… I was so restless… and I still get that way…

So, when I’m asking you to keep me safe… it’s asking you to do what you can with things I know you’re keeping an eye on that I may not know… and also doing what you can to prevent harm.

There are times when I’m pretty sure you’ve had security watching out for me and not just at your events, which I really… I really find your protective side quite sexy.

Because I have seen you get mean when people have been unkind to me…

It’s “fun and games” and “jokes” but mob mentality twists from “jokes” to dangerous really quickly.

Like being followed in San Antonio years ago because they thought I was going to your hotel / bus.

I fear being doxxed or my name coming out in a larger part before that… when I’m out on my own.

I fear security risks I’m not prepared for on my own…

Maybe that’s silly or stupid, but one of the reasons I didn’t do the second boat were the comments about throwing me overboard.

I don’t fear being in your orbit or in your world, at all. In my mind, it is somewhat an inevitable reality and I know things would be as low-key and private as you could make them… and I know no matter who the woman is, some of them are going to take issue with her…

I knew this was on your mind… I even made a note to address this tonight because I am not communicating what I fear here very well.

Again, this one is on me…

Bear with me for about 30 minutes.

Please just do what you can to protect me, always.

I mention this because a part of why I couldn’t write was feeling I was being watched (with I think adequate reasonings) by the other… and just something else playing out.

But there are some truly unhinged people out there.

I want the gentle kind of tenderness that I know you’re capable of… and I hope you think I capable of… but, maybe not.

And if not, that’s on me and I’ll take that blame.

And even if work is still happening I want to use this time together… maybe this is a rambling mess. I’m so sorry if I have said something wrong here… and I hope you will let me correct it and please know nothing I am saying is meant to harm if I did.

The whole point of this… is… I always mean to help you. Sometimes there’s hurt there and it can’t be avoided but I always start with trying to understand how it hurts both sides of you and whether it can be handled then. Sometimes the really big hurts overwhelm that.

Not with work but maybe with work? Idk. It’s not something I can ask cryptically and again, I don’t think it would be conducive to an answer… because of crossed wires… between us and things that may feel unfair but really aren’t.

So, I really wanted to make things easier for you this month… and use this time to help us… I really did. And I still do… But shit just jumped out at me and there are still some questions in my head where I don’t know if I have a right to ask or if an answer would be conducive tbh.

All of this plays out constantly in my head… and when I know you can’t afford it and need me around, I have always tried to fix my feelings faster… work my mind around things faster.

I don’t think you know that, but I do.