Doesn't help that this means that I will have to stay at my parents' place. Where I have to constantly boymode and pretend to be their son and notice how every joy immediately gets removed again.

I want to take cute pics of myself too, look into the mirror and not see a brick, pose for photos where I don't have to hide the lower part of my face

But I guess that is too much to ask for

If not for the damn jawline, I could have so much less dysphoria.

And I can't even get it changed rn, cause that stuff is expensive and I can't get a goddamn job.

I am just stuck in a non stop storm of dysphoric with no way out or hope that something will come.

Not good enough.

No matter what I do, what I try, I am just not good enough.

And with nearing my 4th year, I am dreading that that's it. That it will be a failed transition, with barely any changes if at all.

That all my hopes were for naught.

The only effects I feel felt like despite hrt.

Like laser for my beard, growing out my hair and getting a fitting cut, eyebrow shaping.

But hrt? No real effect that I could notice.

I always feel lacking.

I don't have the right style or appearance or attitude or whatever.
Nothing that makes people swoon for me.
Just invisible, how I always been my entire life.

I just want to feel special. Successful. Like I achieved something that others are proud of me.

I want to feel appreciated.

Not good enough.

No matter what I do, what I try, I am just not good enough.

I just want one success, one actual nice thing. That I can feel like actually achieving something. That I am someone.

Transition/HRT? Failed.
Getting a job? Failed.
Good master degree? Failed.

I wish I could just wither away at some point.

Now my dad also pressures me in doing a doctor. Once again I feel like he is the experiment, or rather blueprint, and I am supposed to follow his example and do what he did, just better.

Welp, seems like I am worse. I am just nobody. A disappointment. Black sheep of the family.

And yes, there is technically the option of am open relationship/poly, but
a) I don't like poly/OR (for myself)
b) I am demisexual. I don't want some random woman/enby, I WANT THEM. They are the person I love, I yearn for, who gives me comfort like no other. And I need that for sexual attraction.

But I also know that I refuse to bring it up, they already have too much on their plate and I don't want to add to it

And being confrontational and bringing this up with their people pleasing tendencies will make me feel like I am forcing them to smth

But I also know that I will sadly never get them

Or at least, in the foreseeable future...