may 5th, 2025 —
186.5 lbs

alright update: his temp is at 95 now & im in nurse killa mode. 🩺

maybe im just meant to be alone (even in a room full of people i love) & screaming into the nothingness (yet also everythingness) that is the internet…

april 18th, 2025 —
187.3 lbs

im proud of him for losing weight but im also jealous… only a crazy bitch would be jealous of her own BF… sometimes i feel like i dont deserve to be his GF… or his future wife… im sensitive, traumatized, fat & ugly… i really don’t know what he sees in me… i wish i was skinnier & prettier…….

i havent applied anywhere yet…. & i dont have the motivation. honestly, im scared of ending up in a job i hate, quitting & losing unemployment altogether.

im just tired… i wish i could be a home maker & a mom… but i have fertility issues & my love doesnt make enough to support us fully yet.

3/3 📝

i gave myself a few days to be depressed & bed rot… & spend time in the sun when i had the energy … then went to the unemployment office on friday. the people were kind, which helped more than i expected—but it still felt weird being there. at least they didn’t make me feel like a burden.

2/3 📝

my toxic ex conditioned me to wake up when he did, stay up until he was ready for bed & made me feel guilty if i didnt. even tho my love isn’t like that, making myself stay up late or sacrificing sleep feels tied to the control my ex had over my time. it’s hard to separate the two.