I rambled a lot more on Tumblr but the TL;DR version is that I don't want to only be associated with nostalgic fan art I've done and instead do more OC stuff to surpass that and be associated with my own creations first and foremost.

I want to make a form for regular commissions at some point, but if you want something more specific, those are also still informally open here-> xandriii.carrd.co#commissions

I'm open to feedback on whether $5 a month is too high or low for my membership tier as well. This is my first time doing anything like this and I don't want to price gouge for lack of a better word, but also don't want to undersell myself.

The link for your convenience --> ko-fi.com/xandriart

and time and be patient because I know my own experience, and I know how long it takes me to finally come around and I would also want that same grace, because I fear that people secretly start to hate me just because it takes me so long and I'm usually absent for so long. 🙁

believe in what you're making and know there's an audience for it out there, but just feel devalued instead. I've felt that a lot.

For me on a personal level, I try to be of the mind that as long as you put it out there, the people who are meant to find it will. I just want to give people grace

everything keeps piling up and I'm watching it all slip from me while I can barely get dressed to go to work, or think about my own projects.

Maybe it's just a "me" problem. I'm also not in the business of telling people how to feel, and I think it's normal and valid to be disappointed when you

and barely have the reserves left to become engrossed in things, even if they'd like to.

I follow so many cool artists and friends, but I barely have the time or energy to keep up with what they're doing and I feel terrible about it. I want to catch up eventually, it just feels like-

That we're not allowed to be happy or healthy, only survive enough to keep suffering and watch ourselves and everything we love die. Only to watch the train keep barreling towards us.

I'll be okay. I just really don't like my life right now.

stupid like this, but I did it. I only wish that I could re-learn how to draw freely as much as I used to. I feel so stiff and unsure.

Sometimes when I think about how things have gone, it truly feels like me and my family are cursed, for lack of a better word.

I'm not where I want to be, but at this point, even being able to doodle or practice at all is a feat and I think it's kind of incredible that a work wouldn't even exist otherwise, but I did it and it's something I made. I barely have the time to even do something small and

I can't save anything because it all goes to keeping my family afloat and surviving another day. I should be grateful because I know it could be worse, and it has been worse before.

One thing I can say is that my circumstances have shifted my perspective on my own self-expectations.

even bringing my sketch book to work with me. I can't say that it hasn't helped a bit, it has, but even then I don't always have the time when I'm being rushed. I feel like I'm only working to uphold the status quo, and not for the life that I actually want to live.

but being able to sit down and pour time into any skill/creative endeavor is a gift. It's amazing to be able to do it at all, because you don't know how easily it can be taken away.

I keep trying to find workarounds that would enable me to have more time and draw where I can,

I miss my cat. And now I'm sick, and still having to work.

To anyone else who pursues art of any kind- please don't take it for granted. I know that's easy to do, and you might even feel dissatisfied with where you currently are,

eating all my time and energy, ruling my life. One that took away my last moments with my cat, and all the time I could've spent with him prior.

I'm tired. I'm overworked. My body is sore. My hands don't feel the same. The nerves in my hands and fingers pinch sometimes.

Haven't had much time to do it at all though. I'm struggling to even picture what kind of artist I want to be anymore because it feels like everything is being drained out of me, and I feel numb.

I'm thankful for my job. But I'm also tired of working one that is destroying my body,

and don't wait to get them checked by a vet, even if there doesn't seem to be a problem yet.

I love you, Bear.

I'm always going to think that he deserved better. I wish I could've done so much more for him. I wish that my job hadn't taken me away from him so much. For any other pet parents out there, the only takeaway I can give you is to appreciate your babies and spend as much time as possible with them,