First bloom coming soon on my newly planted Ketchup-and-Mustard #roses 😍

One day I will remember to ask myself BEFORE I paint my nails if I need to go to the bathroom. Today is not that day.

In the year of our lord 2025, why have the people who make the plastic utensil and napkin packets not figured out a way to stop the napkin from becoming infused by the pepper packet?

Put me in a clean white shirt and then send me straight into an empty, sterile room where there is absolutely nothing that could possibly stain my white shirt, and I will still emerge from the room with a coffee stain on the shirt.

"Can you two wrestle somewhere else, please?"

[Cats fly out of the liquor shelf on my coffee bar and zoom across the house]

I’m done dating humans. I’ve got a better idea—

I'm going to make a dating app called Unhinge where you can and should get reported and banned for not being weird enough.

I don't see any way this could go wrong.

When you see someone say "HIPPA," there's an excellent chance it'll be in the context of wild misunderstanding of how HIPAA works.

Me, after I clean the perpetual clutter off my kitchen table: this is great, I'm going to keep it nice and clear all the time!

Me, two weeks later: oh no

Playtime with Norman and Freddo

I've reached an "I need new pants" stage of weight loss and I'm only mad at it because my favorite jeans don't appear to be stocked anymore, so I can't buy a smaller pair.

No shade to the pumpkin spice lovers, but dirty chai is the ultimate #fall flavor and we should be embracing it more.

Ron Purrgundy loves Fall.