((Thank you, friend! I'm feeling SO much better over all for having so much sleep. I always forget I need variable amounts of sleep sometimes! So I'm just "Omg, I'm awake!" ahaha!))

Why yes, Mr. Captcha. Do not look at the ears and slitted pupils. Those are perfectly normal human traits. What's this? A metal arm? Why, no. That's just a... Party prop! Yes!

Honestly it's wild that so much of the modern internet hasn't wisened up to *general* non-humans.

Though to be fair, most of the time, I just bring someone whose hand I can crush now, because holding someone's hand leads to it being less likely my bloodwork is going to result in more blood being drawn than just mine.

And, to be clear, despite the fact I go very strongly into fight mode when I refuse flight, the fact he's managed to get away with nothing worse than a smashed nose once is testament to his ability to handle this shit.

He also said I'm not even in the top 100 most challenging to treat patients.

Nah. Arm stuff. I've spent *way* too much on cool frames and goggles to give up my poor eyesight.

Also I think you have to do lasik awake and a procedure I'm awake for is just not an option. The last time I got bloodwork I freaked and tried to brain the guy.

Somehow we're still friends?

Also, a shoutout to Howl, because saying nothing about that part was a more effective way of getting me to realise I was being an asshole than mentioning it would have been, because the absence of comment stuck out like a sore thumb.

All of my pokemon mean a lot to me, but Rue is possibly the most die-hard companion, because she can read me in very real ways no others could, and she deserves to have that recognised, you know?

I'd also like to get over that worry of her evolving, too, so that, should Rue be choosing to stay a kirlia solely to help me, that she doesn't have to worry about me and can decide what form is more natural to her.

I... Have no idea how I'll work on it, but I'm gonna.

She actively *chooses* to remain by my side, even when I'm a dipshit and fail to recognise her agency on some things.

She's making a *much* more informed choice than I am. And I need to work on getting my head out of my ass.

Like, it's no doubt very, very true that Rue knows my personality more than I do - current wobbliness of self-image aside - because she can sense that shit. She can see all the nuances and details. She can see all that... And she still chooses to care for me. To stay with me.

I'm... Really not sure how, but, I really need to get it out of my head that the sacrificial habits of gardevoir are somehow biological imperatives... 'cause they're really not.

They're a decision to put their all into caring for someone whose true self they can see.

And like, being perfectly real here, and blunt, in case the implication isn't enough: Rue deserves better. She deserves for her act of care to be recognised as such. She deserves for her choice to be seen as *her* choice.

And I'm gonna do my best to do better.

She's choosing to stay a Kirlia for the time being because she cares about me, because she thinks it's the most beneficial option. To pretend I'm forcing her by simply, you know, being Anxious is implying her feelings matter less, that her choices aren't *real*.

And on a very real level, me insisting that I'm "forcing" her to stay a Kirlia, that I'm actively holding her back from... Doing something she could just do without my input at all... Well it kinda undermines the fact that she IS making a choice?

It's actually deeply illogical, and runs counter to how I consciously see Rue. Like. Rue is an equal. A peer. She's not just acting on some biological urge to bond with someone, she very purposely chose to stay with me, to stay my partner, and to look after me.

Like, the ralts line is just as intelligent as any human. Just as capable of self-actualisation, too. And apparently somewhere along the line I got it into my head that if Rue as a Gardevoir sacrificed herself for me, it would be me somehow forcing her to do so by... Existing I guess?