woke up from that and fell back asleep and i guess kept the universe bc my entire family was in a bunker and one of the kids was infected so i pushed him away from me with explosions from my hands. my family shunned me after

my sister wanted to be a performer, so i bought her an abandoned circus. but then a zombie apocalypse came. we escaped into a cave where there was a drag queen flying around and singing high school musical songs

i stopped a lighting storm with witchcraft by using harry potter merch left to me by my grandma and tiktok dance moves

wrong twice. she confused freddie mercury with freddy krueger, who’s the killer in nightmare on elm street 😭😭😭

rest in peace pluto. i’ll never have a fish as sassy and you where :(

at a party my younger friends threw, i watched one of my friends get drunk for the first time and he was bein all adorable with his wife n shit and i said that “he’s like a puppy”

he flushed red so fast and started stuttering and everyone started laughing. his wife had to explain to me what i did🫠

at a gay club with my friends, i loudly told my friend he needed to “stretch that btch out”

he and many others whipped their heads around to look at me with a shocked face and i was very confused as to why.

i was referring to his back. his back hurt. i was telling him to stretch his back out.

“no you tell her right now.” *gestures to walkie*

“…. the walkies are only to be used for time restricted tasks. but i’ll let her know when she comes up here”

“let her know now.”

*slowly reaches for my walkie* “they said they’re very upset and came from canada for them.”

manager: “….okay???”

“do you have any more pb cups in the back?”

*repeats question over the walkie*

manager on walkie: “no we are all out of stock on those.”

*relays back to customers*

“you tell her we are very upset. we came all the way from Canada for those pb cups.”

“i’m sorry ab that. i’ll let her know.”

lady tried to use her card. machine asks for pin. she stares at me. i stare back. then she says “i don’t know my pin”

me: “do you have another form of payment?”

“no.”

“well if it’s asking for a pin, there’s nothing i can do on my end to skip it.”

“you need to talk to a manger about this.”

got my wife flowers for sweetest day and she has been bringing them with her to every room she goes in. she has not let them out of her sight.

in conclusion, i mistook a sushi roll for a single sushi piece. i wanted about 6 pieces of sushi. we had sushi for lunch for most of the week

honestly tho it’s so cute that she didn’t say anything besides “okay sure” when i asked for an absurd amount of sushi. 🥹🥰💕 love her

“um… babe? why aren’t you sitting down to eat?”

“wdym those are yours”

“huh?? why would you make so many for me?”

“you asked for 6 rolls, so i’m making you 6 rolls wdym”

“….. but this is 3x as many?”

“…..”