Reported!

Newsflash: it doesn’t. Y’all peaked in the group chat, and we’re just living rent-free in your recycled bitterness.

“Follow the directions,” Hart concluded, sighing into a pile of post-appointment spreadsheets. “It’s not a personality test. It’s not a suggestion. It’s not performance art. It’s literally the difference between a good night and a story we’re all still recovering from.”

clients who threaten bad reviews if their demands aren’t met are the most likely candidates for lifetime bans and permanent residency on every provider blacklist. Early findings? Shockingly… yes. Turns out, tantrums are not a good look, no matter how much you call it assertiveness.

“It’s like discovering water is wet,” said Hart. “We’ve spent years perfecting our craft, curating our spaces, and setting clear expectations. And yet, time and again, some clients act as though deposits are suggestions and consent is optional.”

In related news, scientists are exploring whether

•100% of providers collectively agreed that the remaining 13% could have been avoided entirely if clients had simply acknowledged the bolded, highlighted, italicized instructions already provided on their website.

Experts are calling the results “shocking, revelatory, and, frankly, overdue.”

experience.

•87% of clients who ignored directions found themselves unable to book a reputable provider at all, or had her leave early the moment they asked, “So… what’s on the menu?” as if reading the website was optional and she existed to fulfill every fantasy instantly.

Participants in the study were asked to rate their experiences after appointments ranging from “Exhilarating, ten out of ten” to “Why did I think ignoring instructions was charming?” Among the highlights:

•92% of clients who actually read and followed directions reported a seamless, enjoyable

of someone who has survived eighteen consecutive texts asking for rates, availability, incall, and the infamous ‘you up?’ “It turns out that actually reading the FAQ, respecting deposit policies, and honoring boundaries dramatically increases the chances of a good experience. Shocking, I know.”

and follow instructions consistently report having the “best experiences” and, shockingly, are less likely to be blocked, ghosted, or publicly shamed on social media.

“We were absolutely floored,” said Dr. Penelope Hart, lead author of the study, pushing up her glasses with the weary precision