thank youuu, it's nice to see you again :) i remember you from my notes

i'll eventually find somewhere to rebuild, an art gallery of some kind, or maybe i won't. maybe i'll let it fade on purpose, who knows.

somehow though, my other work than my edits has been doing better-- my new album is my best performing easily, i don't know how to juxtapose those two things and not get a little distraught at the fact that sacrificing my future gained me a bit of the present. oh well!

oh i see it's mostly ai art and shit on here. i'm from the tumblr old web editing community sorry. but if you recognize me... hiiiiii

i was supposed to have like 3-4 albums this year but tbqh it's gonna be a miracle if i actually finish one. like lmfao i'm retreating back into myself creatively. everyone got their commodity-ified girl content last year and this year is just me fucking reeling from how much of a mistake it was.

who tell me to shut up or take whatever they give me or say gross shit at me. like do you see the fucking problem here. i have edit ideas but i don't feel like my audience even fucking deserves my art at this point, i'm fucking exhausted with them and with my platform in general.

and like of course, again, no matter how much it's directly said To The Audience that *vocal* support is what matters and not just silently reblogging shit, no one gives a fuck and it's like ok? i have a bunch of invisible ghosts who support me and then i have a bunch of tangible real people

it's really hard to feel any sort of motivation or passion for the space it puts me in like. ok so even when i do keep my mouth shut, people still feel entitled to be rude or vile to me at every turn, and when i actually fight back i get an endless horde of dudebros trying to make me back down.

my last addendum for this is that i hope trans women on the internet in general just... take care of themselves, and avoid expending themselves on platforms that fundamentally just want to chew them up and spit them back out all used up. we will find community that is genuinely healing for us.

i'm probably just gonna let the queue run out silently and focus on myself until i feel well enough to actually interact with that platform again because jfc. i keep forgetting that such a large audience is going to be inherently hostile to my true self because of who i am, and it kills me.

to be honest also, my irl abuse ramped up concurrently again alongside this happening (the same alter who handled our irl confrontations was the one who really lit the fire on our posts lmfao.) and i just am so like... i am recoiling, i am recoiling hard.

i can't bring myself to open the blog rn.

and i'm still rather upset at the way the silent majority worked, such that basically 99% of the comments i saw or received were arguing and negativity, even though the positive reception outweighed it. like fucking get off your asses and vocally support us for once in your lives, please.

the pervasive, endless tone of "punching up" at me, a severely traumatized, socially isolated trans woman. like the unspoken perpetual treatment that us speaking up at all is "sending our followers to attack people" as if our interaction rate is not like. a double digits number of people at MOST.

like collectively, it might be a better idea for us to simply turn it into a space for our public-facing self posts altogether and rack up clout for our correct opinions and endless charm and wit (said lightheartedly) but also... people talk about me on there like i'm an established celebrity.

i'll never ever forget the like. looming accusation that i'm parasocial with my audience on here by... constantly getting in arguments or completely checking out of the blog altogether, with no healthy middleground as the blog as too unstable for me to be personal on, even if i wanted to.

like even when we did only post art and not speak much, people were still just as rude and offputting and outright hostile, people violated our boundaries more and respected us less. it's a lose-lose.

like i know you can say that on some level it's "our fault" for not just shutting up and posting art and nothing else (which is an insane thing to ask anyone to do, but i see the strategic reasoning) but also like... some of this is so disproportionate and unwarranted.