The first random compliments from strangers happened after I got money and courage to start dressing in the kind of clothes I like. Still rare, but at least it now happens. And it's nice! But also... Is that what women usually experience?

I feel like whatever tangled mess I and our relationship is is unrecoverable. It was what it was. I'll continue to play by myself, as I do.

I'm forced to be the first pancake and watch from the sidelines, cheer for the younger sisters (to no fault of their own) for a life I wish I had a chance on having. The completely different memories of the past, the difference in support. I'm glad my mom is getting better at it. At the same time...

My childhood was torn in arguments over who did what and how much did I cost to who. Trying to dissect my dad from memories, I'm sure he loved me as his daughter in his own way but at the same time didn't really want a child. It's odd mix of mixed signals.

"maybe in time you'll forgive me" I won't. I can't. I'm slowly replacing what you ruined, but why would I ever let you in my house again.

I dunno would it hurt less if I wasn't as aware of you treated the other one, and I will never know, all I know is that you built a foundation requires constant maintenance and affects the building above it.