The Wink Report
@thewinkreport.bsky.social
https://thewinkreport.com isn’t your ordinary, run-of-the-mill news site. We twist the news, poke fun at it, and lovingly drench it in irony until it’s something you never knew you needed. News as reliable as a paper umbrella in a hurricane.
November 30, 2025 at 11:31 PM
Read all about this nonsense here:
thewinkreport.com/new-netflix-...
thewinkreport.com/new-netflix-...
September 19, 2025 at 10:38 PM
Read all about this nonsense here:
thewinkreport.com/new-netflix-...
thewinkreport.com/new-netflix-...
The algorithm gods want you to react, not read.
Walter dares you: click, read the absurdity, THEN react.
They’ll never see it coming.
Walter dares you: click, read the absurdity, THEN react.
They’ll never see it coming.
September 3, 2025 at 2:38 AM
The algorithm gods want you to react, not read.
Walter dares you: click, read the absurdity, THEN react.
They’ll never see it coming.
Walter dares you: click, read the absurdity, THEN react.
They’ll never see it coming.
A robot waiter at Elon’s Tesla Diner tried to recycle me.
It whispered “Composting you now.”
I gave the ketchup my Social Security number to escape.
Full disaster: thewinkreport.com/tesla-diner-...
#TeslaDiner #TheWinkReport #Satire #WalterWinkwink
It whispered “Composting you now.”
I gave the ketchup my Social Security number to escape.
Full disaster: thewinkreport.com/tesla-diner-...
#TeslaDiner #TheWinkReport #Satire #WalterWinkwink
July 24, 2025 at 10:47 AM
A robot waiter at Elon’s Tesla Diner tried to recycle me.
It whispered “Composting you now.”
I gave the ketchup my Social Security number to escape.
Full disaster: thewinkreport.com/tesla-diner-...
#TeslaDiner #TheWinkReport #Satire #WalterWinkwink
It whispered “Composting you now.”
I gave the ketchup my Social Security number to escape.
Full disaster: thewinkreport.com/tesla-diner-...
#TeslaDiner #TheWinkReport #Satire #WalterWinkwink
Walter’s Wonderings
If I owe my success to hard work, perseverance, and a lack of adult supervision, can I claim my childhood imaginary friend as a co-founder?
And if I make it big, do I owe him back pay in invisible currency or just a firm handshake with dramatic eye contact?
If I owe my success to hard work, perseverance, and a lack of adult supervision, can I claim my childhood imaginary friend as a co-founder?
And if I make it big, do I owe him back pay in invisible currency or just a firm handshake with dramatic eye contact?
July 24, 2025 at 2:27 AM
Walter’s Wonderings
If I owe my success to hard work, perseverance, and a lack of adult supervision, can I claim my childhood imaginary friend as a co-founder?
And if I make it big, do I owe him back pay in invisible currency or just a firm handshake with dramatic eye contact?
If I owe my success to hard work, perseverance, and a lack of adult supervision, can I claim my childhood imaginary friend as a co-founder?
And if I make it big, do I owe him back pay in invisible currency or just a firm handshake with dramatic eye contact?
He thought menstrual was a type of seasoning.
Now he takes Pamprin, journals, and feels emotionally bloat-free.
We’re not even mad. Just impressed.
👉 https://thewinkreport.com/pamprin-changed-my-life-says-man-who-thought-menstrual-was-a-spice/
#TheWinkReport #PamprinStory #SatireNews
Now he takes Pamprin, journals, and feels emotionally bloat-free.
We’re not even mad. Just impressed.
👉 https://thewinkreport.com/pamprin-changed-my-life-says-man-who-thought-menstrual-was-a-spice/
#TheWinkReport #PamprinStory #SatireNews
July 19, 2025 at 12:03 PM
He thought menstrual was a type of seasoning.
Now he takes Pamprin, journals, and feels emotionally bloat-free.
We’re not even mad. Just impressed.
👉 https://thewinkreport.com/pamprin-changed-my-life-says-man-who-thought-menstrual-was-a-spice/
#TheWinkReport #PamprinStory #SatireNews
Now he takes Pamprin, journals, and feels emotionally bloat-free.
We’re not even mad. Just impressed.
👉 https://thewinkreport.com/pamprin-changed-my-life-says-man-who-thought-menstrual-was-a-spice/
#TheWinkReport #PamprinStory #SatireNews
Booked a kayak expecting calm.
Left with sunburn, emotional clarity, and a frog therapist.
5 stars for [@canoeborchers]
0 capsizes
1 suspicious beaver review
Full Story https://thewinkreport.com/review-borchers-ausable-canoe-kayak/
#TheWinkReport #BorcherApproved #AuSableRiver #PureMichiganish
Left with sunburn, emotional clarity, and a frog therapist.
5 stars for [@canoeborchers]
0 capsizes
1 suspicious beaver review
Full Story https://thewinkreport.com/review-borchers-ausable-canoe-kayak/
#TheWinkReport #BorcherApproved #AuSableRiver #PureMichiganish
July 17, 2025 at 12:03 PM
Booked a kayak expecting calm.
Left with sunburn, emotional clarity, and a frog therapist.
5 stars for [@canoeborchers]
0 capsizes
1 suspicious beaver review
Full Story https://thewinkreport.com/review-borchers-ausable-canoe-kayak/
#TheWinkReport #BorcherApproved #AuSableRiver #PureMichiganish
Left with sunburn, emotional clarity, and a frog therapist.
5 stars for [@canoeborchers]
0 capsizes
1 suspicious beaver review
Full Story https://thewinkreport.com/review-borchers-ausable-canoe-kayak/
#TheWinkReport #BorcherApproved #AuSableRiver #PureMichiganish
We forgot our own anniversary. The monkeys didn’t. Greg from Accounting photobombed the cake.
One year of chaos, satire, and poor planning.
👉 https://thewinkreport.com/one-year-of-wink-we-blinked-and-a-year-winked-by/
#Satire #TheWinkReport #AnniversaryChaos #GregFromAccounting #BananaVersary
One year of chaos, satire, and poor planning.
👉 https://thewinkreport.com/one-year-of-wink-we-blinked-and-a-year-winked-by/
#Satire #TheWinkReport #AnniversaryChaos #GregFromAccounting #BananaVersary
July 15, 2025 at 1:02 PM
We forgot our own anniversary. The monkeys didn’t. Greg from Accounting photobombed the cake.
One year of chaos, satire, and poor planning.
👉 https://thewinkreport.com/one-year-of-wink-we-blinked-and-a-year-winked-by/
#Satire #TheWinkReport #AnniversaryChaos #GregFromAccounting #BananaVersary
One year of chaos, satire, and poor planning.
👉 https://thewinkreport.com/one-year-of-wink-we-blinked-and-a-year-winked-by/
#Satire #TheWinkReport #AnniversaryChaos #GregFromAccounting #BananaVersary
New telescope finds a universe where flip phones rule, AOL is king, and “BRB” is a lifestyle.
Scientists call it: The Ohioverse.
thewinkreport.com/new-telescop...
#GalacticalNews #YouveGotMail #FlipPhoneEra #OhioVerse #SatireNews #TheWinkReport
Scientists call it: The Ohioverse.
thewinkreport.com/new-telescop...
#GalacticalNews #YouveGotMail #FlipPhoneEra #OhioVerse #SatireNews #TheWinkReport
July 10, 2025 at 12:01 PM
New telescope finds a universe where flip phones rule, AOL is king, and “BRB” is a lifestyle.
Scientists call it: The Ohioverse.
thewinkreport.com/new-telescop...
#GalacticalNews #YouveGotMail #FlipPhoneEra #OhioVerse #SatireNews #TheWinkReport
Scientists call it: The Ohioverse.
thewinkreport.com/new-telescop...
#GalacticalNews #YouveGotMail #FlipPhoneEra #OhioVerse #SatireNews #TheWinkReport
The Wink Report Newsroom Surveillance Snapshot
Security cam footage from Wink HQ.
Nobody knows who placed this banana on the desk. Nobody dares move it.
#NewsroomSecurity #BananaMystery #TheWinkReport
Security cam footage from Wink HQ.
Nobody knows who placed this banana on the desk. Nobody dares move it.
#NewsroomSecurity #BananaMystery #TheWinkReport
July 9, 2025 at 9:42 PM
The Wink Report Newsroom Surveillance Snapshot
Security cam footage from Wink HQ.
Nobody knows who placed this banana on the desk. Nobody dares move it.
#NewsroomSecurity #BananaMystery #TheWinkReport
Security cam footage from Wink HQ.
Nobody knows who placed this banana on the desk. Nobody dares move it.
#NewsroomSecurity #BananaMystery #TheWinkReport
🚨 FIELD REPORT:
Bob attempted to retrieve a snack from his smart fridge.
The fridge responded:
“You’ve had enough, Bob. Try introspection instead.”
We’re now in a hostage situation involving string cheese and unresolved childhood trauma.
#SmartFridgeTakeover #SnackBlockade #TheWinkReport
Bob attempted to retrieve a snack from his smart fridge.
The fridge responded:
“You’ve had enough, Bob. Try introspection instead.”
We’re now in a hostage situation involving string cheese and unresolved childhood trauma.
#SmartFridgeTakeover #SnackBlockade #TheWinkReport
July 8, 2025 at 9:07 PM
🚨 FIELD REPORT:
Bob attempted to retrieve a snack from his smart fridge.
The fridge responded:
“You’ve had enough, Bob. Try introspection instead.”
We’re now in a hostage situation involving string cheese and unresolved childhood trauma.
#SmartFridgeTakeover #SnackBlockade #TheWinkReport
Bob attempted to retrieve a snack from his smart fridge.
The fridge responded:
“You’ve had enough, Bob. Try introspection instead.”
We’re now in a hostage situation involving string cheese and unresolved childhood trauma.
#SmartFridgeTakeover #SnackBlockade #TheWinkReport
Tinfoil Tuesday
BREAKING:
Birds are just government-funded weather drones that occasionally poop out calibration pellets.
Spread the word before they peck it out of your brain.
#TinfoilTuesday #TheWinkReport #FeatheredFiends #SatireNotSorry
BREAKING:
Birds are just government-funded weather drones that occasionally poop out calibration pellets.
Spread the word before they peck it out of your brain.
#TinfoilTuesday #TheWinkReport #FeatheredFiends #SatireNotSorry
July 8, 2025 at 1:21 PM
Tinfoil Tuesday
BREAKING:
Birds are just government-funded weather drones that occasionally poop out calibration pellets.
Spread the word before they peck it out of your brain.
#TinfoilTuesday #TheWinkReport #FeatheredFiends #SatireNotSorry
BREAKING:
Birds are just government-funded weather drones that occasionally poop out calibration pellets.
Spread the word before they peck it out of your brain.
#TinfoilTuesday #TheWinkReport #FeatheredFiends #SatireNotSorry
CAPTION THIS:
Diesel "Two Scoops" Malone lost his temper after the printer jammed again.
Best caption gets featured in our next newsletter. Worst one gets a banana peel in the mail.
#CaptionThis #PrimateProblems #WinkReportNewsroom #TheWinkReport
Diesel "Two Scoops" Malone lost his temper after the printer jammed again.
Best caption gets featured in our next newsletter. Worst one gets a banana peel in the mail.
#CaptionThis #PrimateProblems #WinkReportNewsroom #TheWinkReport
July 7, 2025 at 10:11 PM
CAPTION THIS:
Diesel "Two Scoops" Malone lost his temper after the printer jammed again.
Best caption gets featured in our next newsletter. Worst one gets a banana peel in the mail.
#CaptionThis #PrimateProblems #WinkReportNewsroom #TheWinkReport
Diesel "Two Scoops" Malone lost his temper after the printer jammed again.
Best caption gets featured in our next newsletter. Worst one gets a banana peel in the mail.
#CaptionThis #PrimateProblems #WinkReportNewsroom #TheWinkReport
Walter's Wonderings
If you could replace one finger with a USB drive, which finger would it be and why?
#WaltersWonderings #TheWinkReport #DigitalDilemmas #SatireSnacks
If you could replace one finger with a USB drive, which finger would it be and why?
#WaltersWonderings #TheWinkReport #DigitalDilemmas #SatireSnacks
July 7, 2025 at 1:17 PM
Walter's Wonderings
If you could replace one finger with a USB drive, which finger would it be and why?
#WaltersWonderings #TheWinkReport #DigitalDilemmas #SatireSnacks
If you could replace one finger with a USB drive, which finger would it be and why?
#WaltersWonderings #TheWinkReport #DigitalDilemmas #SatireSnacks
It typed before it happened...
https://thewinkreport.com/recollections-the-whispering-typewriter/
#TheWinkReport #Recollections #WeirdFiction #AltReality #Satire #TheWhisperingTypewriter
https://thewinkreport.com/recollections-the-whispering-typewriter/
#TheWinkReport #Recollections #WeirdFiction #AltReality #Satire #TheWhisperingTypewriter
July 7, 2025 at 12:03 PM
Happy 4th of July!!!
July 4, 2025 at 5:06 PM
Happy 4th of July!!!