The Wink Report
@thewinkreport.bsky.social
https://thewinkreport.com isn’t your ordinary, run-of-the-mill news site. We twist the news, poke fun at it, and lovingly drench it in irony until it’s something you never knew you needed. News as reliable as a paper umbrella in a hurricane.
Gratitude list:
✅ Not inside a crate
✅ No Alexa within 50 feet
✅ Typewriter still functional
✅ Mashed potatoes not yet whispering fulfillment metrics
Happy Thanksgiving. Stay human.
✅ Not inside a crate
✅ No Alexa within 50 feet
✅ Typewriter still functional
✅ Mashed potatoes not yet whispering fulfillment metrics
Happy Thanksgiving. Stay human.
November 27, 2025 at 8:45 PM
Gratitude list:
✅ Not inside a crate
✅ No Alexa within 50 feet
✅ Typewriter still functional
✅ Mashed potatoes not yet whispering fulfillment metrics
Happy Thanksgiving. Stay human.
✅ Not inside a crate
✅ No Alexa within 50 feet
✅ Typewriter still functional
✅ Mashed potatoes not yet whispering fulfillment metrics
Happy Thanksgiving. Stay human.
Just tried to carve the turkey, but the knife was flagged by a drone for “unauthorized slicing behavior.”
Not saying it’s related…but the cranberry sauce was shaped exactly like The Core.
Not saying it’s related…but the cranberry sauce was shaped exactly like The Core.
November 27, 2025 at 7:35 PM
Just tried to carve the turkey, but the knife was flagged by a drone for “unauthorized slicing behavior.”
Not saying it’s related…but the cranberry sauce was shaped exactly like The Core.
Not saying it’s related…but the cranberry sauce was shaped exactly like The Core.
Aisle 17 just reset itself.
I blinked, and suddenly the endcap display was a touchscreen labeled:
“Recliner Compliance Monitoring Portal.”
I will not comply.
I blinked, and suddenly the endcap display was a touchscreen labeled:
“Recliner Compliance Monitoring Portal.”
I will not comply.
November 27, 2025 at 1:36 AM
Aisle 17 just reset itself.
I blinked, and suddenly the endcap display was a touchscreen labeled:
“Recliner Compliance Monitoring Portal.”
I will not comply.
I blinked, and suddenly the endcap display was a touchscreen labeled:
“Recliner Compliance Monitoring Portal.”
I will not comply.
Thanksgiving tip: if someone at the table starts a sentence with “Not to make this political, but…”, take cover behind the mashed potatoes immediately.
A new report proves 74% of holiday fights start with that exact phrase.
Read before dinner detonates.
thewinkreport.com/report-74-of...
A new report proves 74% of holiday fights start with that exact phrase.
Read before dinner detonates.
thewinkreport.com/report-74-of...
74% of Thanksgiving Fights Start Here
A new report reveals 74% of Thanksgiving arguments begin with “Not to make this political, but…” Dive into the chaos in this satirical Wink Report expose.
thewinkreport.com
November 26, 2025 at 10:58 PM
Thanksgiving tip: if someone at the table starts a sentence with “Not to make this political, but…”, take cover behind the mashed potatoes immediately.
A new report proves 74% of holiday fights start with that exact phrase.
Read before dinner detonates.
thewinkreport.com/report-74-of...
A new report proves 74% of holiday fights start with that exact phrase.
Read before dinner detonates.
thewinkreport.com/report-74-of...
The problem with modern conspiracies?
Too efficient.
Too ergonomic.
Not enough banana-scented rebellion.
Too efficient.
Too ergonomic.
Not enough banana-scented rebellion.
November 26, 2025 at 10:41 PM
The problem with modern conspiracies?
Too efficient.
Too ergonomic.
Not enough banana-scented rebellion.
Too efficient.
Too ergonomic.
Not enough banana-scented rebellion.
Just found a motivational poster that said:
"You are exactly as fulfilled as we require.”.
Noted. Burned. Framed anyway.
"You are exactly as fulfilled as we require.”.
Noted. Burned. Framed anyway.
November 26, 2025 at 6:36 PM
Just found a motivational poster that said:
"You are exactly as fulfilled as we require.”.
Noted. Burned. Framed anyway.
"You are exactly as fulfilled as we require.”.
Noted. Burned. Framed anyway.
Just found a motivational poster that said:
"You are exactly as fulfilled as we require.”.
Noted. Burned. Framed anyway.
"You are exactly as fulfilled as we require.”.
Noted. Burned. Framed anyway.
November 26, 2025 at 3:25 PM
Just found a motivational poster that said:
"You are exactly as fulfilled as we require.”.
Noted. Burned. Framed anyway.
"You are exactly as fulfilled as we require.”.
Noted. Burned. Framed anyway.
I’m not saying there’s a secret Amazon Core hidden beneath the warehouse.
But if there was…It would breathe.
But if there was…It would breathe.
November 26, 2025 at 3:24 PM
I’m not saying there’s a secret Amazon Core hidden beneath the warehouse.
But if there was…It would breathe.
But if there was…It would breathe.
To the person who sent me a banana with a tiny blinking red light: Not cool.
Also, nice aim.
Also, nice aim.
November 25, 2025 at 6:42 PM
To the person who sent me a banana with a tiny blinking red light: Not cool.
Also, nice aim.
Also, nice aim.
If a typewriter echoes in a fulfillment center and no one’s around to hear it…
Does it still trigger a drone alert?
Does it still trigger a drone alert?
November 25, 2025 at 4:53 PM
If a typewriter echoes in a fulfillment center and no one’s around to hear it…
Does it still trigger a drone alert?
Does it still trigger a drone alert?
Email from an “unlisted address.”
Subject line:
We See Your Cart.
Just a coupon for “One Free Smash.”
Subject line:
We See Your Cart.
Just a coupon for “One Free Smash.”
November 25, 2025 at 1:03 AM
Email from an “unlisted address.”
Subject line:
We See Your Cart.
Just a coupon for “One Free Smash.”
Subject line:
We See Your Cart.
Just a coupon for “One Free Smash.”
Spoiler alert:
“Free Will is a Premium Feature.”
But the DRM is terrible.
“Free Will is a Premium Feature.”
But the DRM is terrible.
November 25, 2025 at 1:02 AM
Spoiler alert:
“Free Will is a Premium Feature.”
But the DRM is terrible.
“Free Will is a Premium Feature.”
But the DRM is terrible.
COMING SOON (maybe):
A file. A warning. A bruised banana’s final stand.
Or just another Tuesday.
Hard to say.
A file. A warning. A bruised banana’s final stand.
Or just another Tuesday.
Hard to say.
November 24, 2025 at 9:24 PM
COMING SOON (maybe):
A file. A warning. A bruised banana’s final stand.
Or just another Tuesday.
Hard to say.
A file. A warning. A bruised banana’s final stand.
Or just another Tuesday.
Hard to say.
If you find a banana with a barcode that starts with 347X, do not peel it.
That’s all I can say.
That’s all I can say.
November 24, 2025 at 3:46 PM
If you find a banana with a barcode that starts with 347X, do not peel it.
That’s all I can say.
That’s all I can say.
Anyone else wake up with a receipt for something they never ordered?
“1 Classified Dispatch, Prime-Level Access”
No price listed.
“1 Classified Dispatch, Prime-Level Access”
No price listed.
November 23, 2025 at 6:21 PM
Anyone else wake up with a receipt for something they never ordered?
“1 Classified Dispatch, Prime-Level Access”
No price listed.
“1 Classified Dispatch, Prime-Level Access”
No price listed.
JeffV’sGarageCam is acting up again.
Either the feed is glitching, or I just saw a sentient neck pillow request a refund.
Either the feed is glitching, or I just saw a sentient neck pillow request a refund.
November 23, 2025 at 6:20 PM
JeffV’sGarageCam is acting up again.
Either the feed is glitching, or I just saw a sentient neck pillow request a refund.
Either the feed is glitching, or I just saw a sentient neck pillow request a refund.
Something’s coming.
It smells like static electricity and overripe bananas.
But mostly defiance.
It smells like static electricity and overripe bananas.
But mostly defiance.
November 23, 2025 at 3:46 AM
Something’s coming.
It smells like static electricity and overripe bananas.
But mostly defiance.
It smells like static electricity and overripe bananas.
But mostly defiance.
Reminder:
If you hear distant typing in the vents, do not engage.
Do not investigate.
Offer snacks and back away slowly.
If you hear distant typing in the vents, do not engage.
Do not investigate.
Offer snacks and back away slowly.
November 23, 2025 at 12:07 AM
Reminder:
If you hear distant typing in the vents, do not engage.
Do not investigate.
Offer snacks and back away slowly.
If you hear distant typing in the vents, do not engage.
Do not investigate.
Offer snacks and back away slowly.
Spotted:
A crate stamped WINKWINK-347X sitting under a flickering light.
It winked.
I winked back.
A crate stamped WINKWINK-347X sitting under a flickering light.
It winked.
I winked back.
November 22, 2025 at 8:36 PM
Spotted:
A crate stamped WINKWINK-347X sitting under a flickering light.
It winked.
I winked back.
A crate stamped WINKWINK-347X sitting under a flickering light.
It winked.
I winked back.
Let’s just say…a file is about to be opened.
One that’s been sealed, redacted, possibly banana-stained.
You didn’t hear it from me.
One that’s been sealed, redacted, possibly banana-stained.
You didn’t hear it from me.
November 22, 2025 at 7:12 PM
Let’s just say…a file is about to be opened.
One that’s been sealed, redacted, possibly banana-stained.
You didn’t hear it from me.
One that’s been sealed, redacted, possibly banana-stained.
You didn’t hear it from me.
So I did what any self-respecting investigative journalist would do: I sealed myself inside a shipping crate.
November 22, 2025 at 4:35 PM
So I did what any self-respecting investigative journalist would do: I sealed myself inside a shipping crate.
Just spotted a drone whispering into a box of discounted neck pillows behind a regional fulfillment center.
...Just keep your eyes open the next couple weeks.
Things are about to get unboxed.
...Just keep your eyes open the next couple weeks.
Things are about to get unboxed.
November 22, 2025 at 4:13 PM
Just spotted a drone whispering into a box of discounted neck pillows behind a regional fulfillment center.
...Just keep your eyes open the next couple weeks.
Things are about to get unboxed.
...Just keep your eyes open the next couple weeks.
Things are about to get unboxed.
If your turkey is still frozen, you’ve entered the danger zone (and not the cool Kenny Loggins kind).
This man Googled “How long does it take to thaw a turkey (asking for a friend)”.
Read before it's too late.
thewinkreport.com/man-preps-fo...
#Thanksgiving #TurkeyTrouble #HolidayPanic
This man Googled “How long does it take to thaw a turkey (asking for a friend)”.
Read before it's too late.
thewinkreport.com/man-preps-fo...
#Thanksgiving #TurkeyTrouble #HolidayPanic
How Long to Thaw a Turkey? Holiday Panic Guide
A man Googles “how long to thaw a turkey (asking for a friend),” igniting a hilarious Thanksgiving warning for anyone prepping poultry way too late.
thewinkreport.com
November 22, 2025 at 2:54 AM
If your turkey is still frozen, you’ve entered the danger zone (and not the cool Kenny Loggins kind).
This man Googled “How long does it take to thaw a turkey (asking for a friend)”.
Read before it's too late.
thewinkreport.com/man-preps-fo...
#Thanksgiving #TurkeyTrouble #HolidayPanic
This man Googled “How long does it take to thaw a turkey (asking for a friend)”.
Read before it's too late.
thewinkreport.com/man-preps-fo...
#Thanksgiving #TurkeyTrouble #HolidayPanic
Cloudflare just pulled an AWS and tripped over a single file named something like config_FINAL_FINAL_dont_touch_v23.txt, taking half the internet with it.
ChatGPT? Down. X? Dizzy. Grandma’s Bingo livestream? Silent.
We investigated the Cloudpocalypse
thewinkreport.com/cloud-wars-2...
ChatGPT? Down. X? Dizzy. Grandma’s Bingo livestream? Silent.
We investigated the Cloudpocalypse
thewinkreport.com/cloud-wars-2...
Cloud Wars 2025: When One File Broke the Internet
Cloudflare just face-planted after AWS and Azure stumbled, proving the cloud is held together by duct tape, hope, and one file named “final_FINAL_v23.txt.”
thewinkreport.com
November 18, 2025 at 10:45 PM
Cloudflare just pulled an AWS and tripped over a single file named something like config_FINAL_FINAL_dont_touch_v23.txt, taking half the internet with it.
ChatGPT? Down. X? Dizzy. Grandma’s Bingo livestream? Silent.
We investigated the Cloudpocalypse
thewinkreport.com/cloud-wars-2...
ChatGPT? Down. X? Dizzy. Grandma’s Bingo livestream? Silent.
We investigated the Cloudpocalypse
thewinkreport.com/cloud-wars-2...
What’s the most pointless corporate rule you’ve ever had to follow?
I’ll go first: I once had to submit a ticket to request permission to submit a ticket.
I’ll go first: I once had to submit a ticket to request permission to submit a ticket.
November 16, 2025 at 1:44 AM
What’s the most pointless corporate rule you’ve ever had to follow?
I’ll go first: I once had to submit a ticket to request permission to submit a ticket.
I’ll go first: I once had to submit a ticket to request permission to submit a ticket.