TheSpecPitchbot (Satire)
@thespecpitchbot.bsky.social
#HamOnt's first choice for headlines that could be real. (Satire)
The Canadian Department of Pedantry issued a reminder for Canadians today:
If it doesn't come from Minister Champagne's office it isn't austerity; it's just sparkling neoliberalism.
If it doesn't come from Minister Champagne's office it isn't austerity; it's just sparkling neoliberalism.
September 9, 2025 at 10:07 PM
The Canadian Department of Pedantry issued a reminder for Canadians today:
If it doesn't come from Minister Champagne's office it isn't austerity; it's just sparkling neoliberalism.
If it doesn't come from Minister Champagne's office it isn't austerity; it's just sparkling neoliberalism.
Council's decision to instruct staff to draft a maximum heat bylaw made Hamilton a national leader in 2023. Now, in 2025 Toronto is poised to be the first to cross the finish line. When asked why, #HamOnt city staff said "Toronto is just a better city run by better people."
May 12, 2025 at 10:39 PM
Council's decision to instruct staff to draft a maximum heat bylaw made Hamilton a national leader in 2023. Now, in 2025 Toronto is poised to be the first to cross the finish line. When asked why, #HamOnt city staff said "Toronto is just a better city run by better people."
Haldimand waste hauler convicted of illegally dumping raw sewage—judge advises owner of D&C Pumping Service to get into municipal politics if they want to be able to pollute natural waterways without consequence.
May 12, 2025 at 10:29 PM
Haldimand waste hauler convicted of illegally dumping raw sewage—judge advises owner of D&C Pumping Service to get into municipal politics if they want to be able to pollute natural waterways without consequence.
BREAKING | Trudeau, Poilievre, & Singh announce they are forming a band named The Political Spectrum Rejects.
April 29, 2025 at 3:40 PM
BREAKING | Trudeau, Poilievre, & Singh announce they are forming a band named The Political Spectrum Rejects.
Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre abandoned his "verb the noun" rhetoric on the campaign trail today. Instead, the lifelong politician told the crowd how much he appreciates the critiques of political pundit Steve Boots, adding that watching WTHC? is better than any cabinet meeting.
April 23, 2025 at 9:50 PM
Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre abandoned his "verb the noun" rhetoric on the campaign trail today. Instead, the lifelong politician told the crowd how much he appreciates the critiques of political pundit Steve Boots, adding that watching WTHC? is better than any cabinet meeting.
The archbishop of Toronto, Cardinal Frank Leo is headed to Rome for the conclave to elect the next Pope.
If elected, Vatican experts say it is only a matter of time until maple syrup is decreed an appropriate substitute for the Eucharist.
If elected, Vatican experts say it is only a matter of time until maple syrup is decreed an appropriate substitute for the Eucharist.
April 23, 2025 at 5:17 PM
The archbishop of Toronto, Cardinal Frank Leo is headed to Rome for the conclave to elect the next Pope.
If elected, Vatican experts say it is only a matter of time until maple syrup is decreed an appropriate substitute for the Eucharist.
If elected, Vatican experts say it is only a matter of time until maple syrup is decreed an appropriate substitute for the Eucharist.
After the death of Pope Francis, conservatives across Canada are expressing anger at what they call an unfair & unjust system.
"It's bad enough we didn't get to vote for PM, but now they won't let us vote for the new Pope either!" said one Protestant who failed both high school civics & religion.
"It's bad enough we didn't get to vote for PM, but now they won't let us vote for the new Pope either!" said one Protestant who failed both high school civics & religion.
April 21, 2025 at 10:13 PM
After the death of Pope Francis, conservatives across Canada are expressing anger at what they call an unfair & unjust system.
"It's bad enough we didn't get to vote for PM, but now they won't let us vote for the new Pope either!" said one Protestant who failed both high school civics & religion.
"It's bad enough we didn't get to vote for PM, but now they won't let us vote for the new Pope either!" said one Protestant who failed both high school civics & religion.
After having a line of questioning ruled 'out of order' during public delegations regarding the 2025 budget, Clr Danko has hired 3 outside experts to assist him for future public delegations.
There is no record of a public procurement process for the position.
There is no record of a public procurement process for the position.
November 22, 2024 at 1:56 AM
After having a line of questioning ruled 'out of order' during public delegations regarding the 2025 budget, Clr Danko has hired 3 outside experts to assist him for future public delegations.
There is no record of a public procurement process for the position.
There is no record of a public procurement process for the position.
Hamilton city council looked at the rules surrounding public delegations today. Due to existing charter protections of freedom of expression citizens will continue to be allowed to delegate, but those deemed "troublemakers" may be required to do so from a pillory, at the chair's discretion.
#HamOnt
#HamOnt
November 22, 2024 at 1:35 AM
Hamilton city council looked at the rules surrounding public delegations today. Due to existing charter protections of freedom of expression citizens will continue to be allowed to delegate, but those deemed "troublemakers" may be required to do so from a pillory, at the chair's discretion.
#HamOnt
#HamOnt
The average cost to rent a 1 bedroom apartment in Hamilton has fallen, ever so slightly, for the second month in a row. Prices have gone from 'wholly unaffordable', to 'virtually unaffordable', to now 'basically unaffordable'.
November 13, 2024 at 3:57 PM
The average cost to rent a 1 bedroom apartment in Hamilton has fallen, ever so slightly, for the second month in a row. Prices have gone from 'wholly unaffordable', to 'virtually unaffordable', to now 'basically unaffordable'.
After Hamilton Police fatally shot a 43 year old man over the weekend one Clr took to social media to remind grieving members of a marginalized community that "Police officers don't murder people, people with badges murder people."
November 13, 2024 at 2:06 PM
After Hamilton Police fatally shot a 43 year old man over the weekend one Clr took to social media to remind grieving members of a marginalized community that "Police officers don't murder people, people with badges murder people."
Shortly after the popular Portuguese restaurant Wild Orchid announced on social media that it would be closing its doors for good on Dec 31st, Forge & Foster Investments released the following statement:
November 13, 2024 at 1:53 PM
Shortly after the popular Portuguese restaurant Wild Orchid announced on social media that it would be closing its doors for good on Dec 31st, Forge & Foster Investments released the following statement:
Kanye West & Taylor Swift, Madonna & Elton John, Cameron Kroetsch & JP Danko?
A made-in #HamOnt feud is playing out on social media right now. While it may not end up on a BuzzFeed listicle, for some any public celebrity beef just can't be ignored.
A made-in #HamOnt feud is playing out on social media right now. While it may not end up on a BuzzFeed listicle, for some any public celebrity beef just can't be ignored.
November 7, 2024 at 7:32 PM
Kanye West & Taylor Swift, Madonna & Elton John, Cameron Kroetsch & JP Danko?
A made-in #HamOnt feud is playing out on social media right now. While it may not end up on a BuzzFeed listicle, for some any public celebrity beef just can't be ignored.
A made-in #HamOnt feud is playing out on social media right now. While it may not end up on a BuzzFeed listicle, for some any public celebrity beef just can't be ignored.
Today, after several delegates questioned her research, conclusions, logic, & decision making during yesterday's council meeting, Clr Pauls said in a statement, "The rules were you weren't going to fact check."
November 7, 2024 at 3:11 PM
Today, after several delegates questioned her research, conclusions, logic, & decision making during yesterday's council meeting, Clr Pauls said in a statement, "The rules were you weren't going to fact check."
President-elect Donald Trump says he's looking forward to 8 more years in the White House—"My first term was 'President Donald Trump', this time it's 'Convicted Felon President Donal Trump', so that resets the 2-term limit."
November 6, 2024 at 9:26 PM
President-elect Donald Trump says he's looking forward to 8 more years in the White House—"My first term was 'President Donald Trump', this time it's 'Convicted Felon President Donal Trump', so that resets the 2-term limit."
Ford 'optimistic' about second Trump presidency, says Ontario and U.S. share ‘important’ rich friends.
November 6, 2024 at 6:46 PM
Ford 'optimistic' about second Trump presidency, says Ontario and U.S. share ‘important’ rich friends.
Homelessness is on the rise in Ontario. While cities are struggling with Charter protections to limit where the homeless can legally exist, Ford is daring them to approach on bended knee & beg for the notwithstanding clause. Trudeau has pledged federal support by expanding MAID.
November 5, 2024 at 4:08 PM
Homelessness is on the rise in Ontario. While cities are struggling with Charter protections to limit where the homeless can legally exist, Ford is daring them to approach on bended knee & beg for the notwithstanding clause. Trudeau has pledged federal support by expanding MAID.
As a legal battle over unhoused people's right to exist comes to a head some Clrs are looking for a more final solution to the homeless question. In response to the case Clr Danko said "I don't get how anyone can support encampments", adding, "I don't support the homeless at all.
November 3, 2024 at 5:34 PM
As a legal battle over unhoused people's right to exist comes to a head some Clrs are looking for a more final solution to the homeless question. In response to the case Clr Danko said "I don't get how anyone can support encampments", adding, "I don't support the homeless at all.
Read "Given expected population growth LRT should be remapped to service Barton & Tiffany", "Wearing your everyday work clothes is a lazy Halloween costume", "I never knew those were supposed to be bike lanes", & more in today's Letters to the Editor.
November 1, 2024 at 7:30 PM
Read "Given expected population growth LRT should be remapped to service Barton & Tiffany", "Wearing your everyday work clothes is a lazy Halloween costume", "I never knew those were supposed to be bike lanes", & more in today's Letters to the Editor.
"More & more Ontarians are struggling to afford their groceries," the Premier said while giving a press conference about alcohol sales inside a Costco, "so my government's next step is to see alcohol available at food banks across the province!"
October 31, 2024 at 4:17 PM
"More & more Ontarians are struggling to afford their groceries," the Premier said while giving a press conference about alcohol sales inside a Costco, "so my government's next step is to see alcohol available at food banks across the province!"
Ford announced today that his government is in talks with several payday loan outlets as the province looks to outsource distribution aspects of social assistance—"Vulnerable Ontarians shouldn't have to wait in line to lose 17% of their cheques; it should happen automatically."
October 30, 2024 at 11:52 PM
Ford announced today that his government is in talks with several payday loan outlets as the province looks to outsource distribution aspects of social assistance—"Vulnerable Ontarians shouldn't have to wait in line to lose 17% of their cheques; it should happen automatically."
Premier Ford announced today that Ontario has signed a contract with Restaurant Brands International to give Tim Hortons exclusive rights to polling stations for future provincial elections. Ford also announced that voter registration cards will be mailed with a $10 Timmies card.
October 30, 2024 at 6:12 PM
Premier Ford announced today that Ontario has signed a contract with Restaurant Brands International to give Tim Hortons exclusive rights to polling stations for future provincial elections. Ford also announced that voter registration cards will be mailed with a $10 Timmies card.
After ONDP leader Stiles confirmed that #HamOnt Centre will run a candidate against MPP Jama, sources inside the party told us they have eyes on Clr Dano for the role—"He's the perfect fit for the party's new direction; & if he declines we hear Whitehead isn't busy these days."
October 24, 2024 at 10:35 AM
After ONDP leader Stiles confirmed that #HamOnt Centre will run a candidate against MPP Jama, sources inside the party told us they have eyes on Clr Dano for the role—"He's the perfect fit for the party's new direction; & if he declines we hear Whitehead isn't busy these days."
The City of Hamilton is advising residents that all administrative offices will be closed on Monday, August 5 & available services will be severely limited—The city has officially named the civic holiday 'George Hamilton Cybersecurity Day'.
August 2, 2024 at 5:53 PM
The City of Hamilton is advising residents that all administrative offices will be closed on Monday, August 5 & available services will be severely limited—The city has officially named the civic holiday 'George Hamilton Cybersecurity Day'.
The economy saw a boost today after the federal government announced its price-fixing rebate program—the program will allow all corporations the opportunity to exploit Canadians at the low-low cost of only 12.85¢ per Canadian exploited.
July 25, 2024 at 10:08 PM
The economy saw a boost today after the federal government announced its price-fixing rebate program—the program will allow all corporations the opportunity to exploit Canadians at the low-low cost of only 12.85¢ per Canadian exploited.