most of the scary stuff is done now

it's so bad i'm on the edge of throwing up

i'm insanely anxious rn if you can't tell

on reflection, much of me shying away from the spiritual aspects was me not being interested in why i'm like this, and that seemed to be most of what critters were looking for in it.

much more interested in what i am/my place in the world which is what drives my spiritual beliefs now.

she loved it because she didn't need to hold back. now anytime i show up she wants to playfight, but then she realizes that i'm soft and squishy and she stops because she has to hold back.

she loves playfighting, but she is also hyperaware of how strong she is and anxious about hurting people.

when she was a puppy, it snowed, and the husky part of her turned her into a little gremlin who refused to come inside. i went out in my winter coat and we playfought to tire her out.

id much rather someone tell me to fuck off than resign themselves to me inflicting myself on them.