Ted Heller
@thellernyc.bsky.social
Poetaster, chanteuse, Old World artisan, raconteur, flambeur, roustabout, God's gift to womankind, deity-loathing atheist, your worst nightmare become flesh, and ultimately the Conscience of America.
Sometimes I get this weird feeling that Trump just might not like women so much.
November 18, 2025 at 11:05 PM
Sometimes I get this weird feeling that Trump just might not like women so much.
That eerie tinny noise you hear tonight is Dag Hammarskjöld's ashes trembling in his urn.
October 9, 2025 at 9:28 PM
That eerie tinny noise you hear tonight is Dag Hammarskjöld's ashes trembling in his urn.
Breaking news: US Navy Jet Kills Santiago, Hemingway's Famed Old Man, Off Venezuelan Coast
October 3, 2025 at 11:58 PM
Breaking news: US Navy Jet Kills Santiago, Hemingway's Famed Old Man, Off Venezuelan Coast
"Hey, it's great to be here in Riyadh, folks. I just flew in from New York and boy, are my arms decapitated!"
October 3, 2025 at 4:43 PM
"Hey, it's great to be here in Riyadh, folks. I just flew in from New York and boy, are my arms decapitated!"
Breaking news: Hyphen-Challenged President Sending Troops to War Ravaged Portland
September 27, 2025 at 3:28 PM
Breaking news: Hyphen-Challenged President Sending Troops to War Ravaged Portland
"Oh, did I say the Rapture would be on 9/23/2025? I meant 9/23/3025!"
September 23, 2025 at 8:40 PM
"Oh, did I say the Rapture would be on 9/23/2025? I meant 9/23/3025!"
My thoughts and prayers are with the United Nations translators during this very tough time.
September 23, 2025 at 3:00 PM
My thoughts and prayers are with the United Nations translators during this very tough time.
"So I'll take these two. How much?"
September 18, 2025 at 5:09 PM
"So I'll take these two. How much?"
"First they came for Joey Bishop and I said nothing. Then they came for Rick Dees... "
September 17, 2025 at 11:11 PM
"First they came for Joey Bishop and I said nothing. Then they came for Rick Dees... "
Overheard, Charles Grassley on hot mic talking about Kash Patel to an aide: "Yo, is bro never buggin' out?"
September 16, 2025 at 5:13 PM
Overheard, Charles Grassley on hot mic talking about Kash Patel to an aide: "Yo, is bro never buggin' out?"
My laff-a-minute essay, "What if Lee Harvey Oswald Had Been on TikTok," was just rejected by Shouts & Murmurs, Cracked, Life in These United States, and Guns & Ammo Magazine.
September 15, 2025 at 7:11 PM
My laff-a-minute essay, "What if Lee Harvey Oswald Had Been on TikTok," was just rejected by Shouts & Murmurs, Cracked, Life in These United States, and Guns & Ammo Magazine.
To answer your question: No, I'm not watching the Emmys. Why not? Camp Runamuck. That's why not.
September 15, 2025 at 12:50 AM
To answer your question: No, I'm not watching the Emmys. Why not? Camp Runamuck. That's why not.
What we as a nation and as a people(s) need to do is sit down and for once have an honest conversation about never sitting down and having an honest conversation again.
September 14, 2025 at 4:03 PM
What we as a nation and as a people(s) need to do is sit down and for once have an honest conversation about never sitting down and having an honest conversation again.
Dixie Technical College is the new Oberlin.
September 12, 2025 at 9:49 PM
Dixie Technical College is the new Oberlin.
I long fondly, if not foolishly, for those halcyon days of about 11:27 AM this morning when I'd never heard the word "groyper."
September 12, 2025 at 8:03 PM
I long fondly, if not foolishly, for those halcyon days of about 11:27 AM this morning when I'd never heard the word "groyper."
Breaking news: Dak Prescott has been writing Trump's Truth Social posts...
September 10, 2025 at 4:46 PM
Breaking news: Dak Prescott has been writing Trump's Truth Social posts...
Overheard in the Barnes & Noble kids section: "Mommy, Mommy, I want an Epstein Birthday Book, too!"
September 9, 2025 at 6:29 PM
Overheard in the Barnes & Noble kids section: "Mommy, Mommy, I want an Epstein Birthday Book, too!"
The NFL and the American Ayahuasca Association have instructed their TV partners to “refrain from showcasing any disruptions or reactions” when Aaron Rodgers appears on the field during Sunday's Jets-Steelers game.
September 7, 2025 at 3:37 PM
The NFL and the American Ayahuasca Association have instructed their TV partners to “refrain from showcasing any disruptions or reactions” when Aaron Rodgers appears on the field during Sunday's Jets-Steelers game.
He might be onto something.
September 5, 2025 at 7:46 PM
He might be onto something.
To answer your question, yes, I AM socioculturally ready for some football but psychosexually, I am just not.
September 4, 2025 at 11:35 PM
To answer your question, yes, I AM socioculturally ready for some football but psychosexually, I am just not.
RFK Jr. = "If Suede Could Talk"
September 4, 2025 at 5:50 PM
RFK Jr. = "If Suede Could Talk"
This is what you get when you hire Billy Joe McAllister as a senior White House aide...
www.instagram.com/reel/DOEIddg...
www.instagram.com/reel/DOEIddg...
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September 2, 2025 at 4:47 PM
This is what you get when you hire Billy Joe McAllister as a senior White House aide...
www.instagram.com/reel/DOEIddg...
www.instagram.com/reel/DOEIddg...
Jordon Hudson: I'm leaving you.
Belichick: Uh-huh.
Jordon Hudson: I'm seeing someone else.
Belichick: Uh-huh.
Jordon Hudson: It's Nick Sabin. We're lovers.
Belichick: Uh.
Belichick: Uh-huh.
Jordon Hudson: I'm seeing someone else.
Belichick: Uh-huh.
Jordon Hudson: It's Nick Sabin. We're lovers.
Belichick: Uh.
September 2, 2025 at 12:35 PM
Jordon Hudson: I'm leaving you.
Belichick: Uh-huh.
Jordon Hudson: I'm seeing someone else.
Belichick: Uh-huh.
Jordon Hudson: It's Nick Sabin. We're lovers.
Belichick: Uh.
Belichick: Uh-huh.
Jordon Hudson: I'm seeing someone else.
Belichick: Uh-huh.
Jordon Hudson: It's Nick Sabin. We're lovers.
Belichick: Uh.