Josie
@thelazyvampire.bsky.social
I am The Josie and this is my bluesky. Sometimes I make myself laugh.
My 7 year old neighbor came over today and was trying to get me to come outside with her and I was all "I'm trying to eat my waffles here." and she was all "YOU'RE ALWAYS EATING WAFFLES!" and you know what guys, I am. I am always eating waffles. Not my fault she always shows up during my waffle time
a woman in a hospital gown is holding a waffle
ALT: a woman in a hospital gown is holding a waffle
media.tenor.com
January 16, 2026 at 7:57 AM
My 7 year old neighbor came over today and was trying to get me to come outside with her and I was all "I'm trying to eat my waffles here." and she was all "YOU'RE ALWAYS EATING WAFFLES!" and you know what guys, I am. I am always eating waffles. Not my fault she always shows up during my waffle time
When you have to go sit outside in the stupid sun for your stupid mental health
a stuffed penguin is sitting on a wooden chair in a room .
ALT: a stuffed penguin is sitting on a wooden chair in a room .
media.tenor.com
January 13, 2026 at 12:15 AM
When you have to go sit outside in the stupid sun for your stupid mental health
A message to all service providers, if I can sign up for your service through the internet I should be able to cancel it that way as well. Phone call only cancellation should be illegal. Please update your goddamn systems to reflect the times.
January 1, 2026 at 11:22 PM
A message to all service providers, if I can sign up for your service through the internet I should be able to cancel it that way as well. Phone call only cancellation should be illegal. Please update your goddamn systems to reflect the times.
Forever grateful that of all the cats I've had in my life, not a single one of them has ever tried to destroy a Christmas tree.
December 6, 2025 at 5:23 AM
Forever grateful that of all the cats I've had in my life, not a single one of them has ever tried to destroy a Christmas tree.
Don't like that TCM has movies from the 90s now. It ain't right I tells ya.
a nurse says it ain 't right while talking to a patient
ALT: a nurse says it ain 't right while talking to a patient
media.tenor.com
November 24, 2025 at 5:14 AM
Don't like that TCM has movies from the 90s now. It ain't right I tells ya.
Don't let my baggy pants and youthful stride fool you guys, I'm literally 37.
November 8, 2025 at 5:00 AM
Don't let my baggy pants and youthful stride fool you guys, I'm literally 37.
I've never felt more old than when my 7 year old neighbor told me her parents ages. Like what do you mean I'm several years older than them YOU SHUT YOUR DIRTY LYING MOUTH. I refuse to be older than anyone's parents. What do you mean I graduated from school TWENTY YEARS AGO. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
November 8, 2025 at 4:59 AM
I've never felt more old than when my 7 year old neighbor told me her parents ages. Like what do you mean I'm several years older than them YOU SHUT YOUR DIRTY LYING MOUTH. I refuse to be older than anyone's parents. What do you mean I graduated from school TWENTY YEARS AGO. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
Not me browsing the home depot website to stare longingly at their assortment of single tub kitchen sinks like some sort of grown up.
November 6, 2025 at 9:38 AM
Not me browsing the home depot website to stare longingly at their assortment of single tub kitchen sinks like some sort of grown up.
You never remember how many clocks are in your house until you have to turn them all back an hour. WHY DO WE HAVE SO MANY
November 2, 2025 at 10:11 AM
You never remember how many clocks are in your house until you have to turn them all back an hour. WHY DO WE HAVE SO MANY
With every political text I receive I shall kill one hostage. #leavemealone
October 30, 2025 at 11:25 PM
With every political text I receive I shall kill one hostage. #leavemealone
I am fuckin READY for Kirby Air Riders
a video game character is jumping for joy
ALT: a video game character is jumping for joy
media.tenor.com
October 25, 2025 at 7:28 AM
I am fuckin READY for Kirby Air Riders
I've bitten through 2 night guards 2 nights in a row, surely that doesn't mean anything...
October 23, 2025 at 2:43 AM
I've bitten through 2 night guards 2 nights in a row, surely that doesn't mean anything...
When I was rewatching Lost recently, every time they would bury someone they buried them in one of their airplane blankets and it bugged me every damn time. Like, they're stranded on a deserted island and they keep burying people in what few blankets they happen to have. Don't they kinda need those?
October 1, 2025 at 8:49 AM
When I was rewatching Lost recently, every time they would bury someone they buried them in one of their airplane blankets and it bugged me every damn time. Like, they're stranded on a deserted island and they keep burying people in what few blankets they happen to have. Don't they kinda need those?
The fact that halloween decorations are already on clearance before October even starts is COMPLETELY INSANE. You now have to think months in advance when planning for any holiday now. I hate capitalism. #thisissomebullshit
October 1, 2025 at 8:44 AM
The fact that halloween decorations are already on clearance before October even starts is COMPLETELY INSANE. You now have to think months in advance when planning for any holiday now. I hate capitalism. #thisissomebullshit
*watches a little Columbo before bed. As a treat.* #gettheirasscolumbo
September 27, 2025 at 9:54 AM
*watches a little Columbo before bed. As a treat.* #gettheirasscolumbo
Yesterday at my eye appointment the doctor lumped me in with "people around their 40s" and first of all HOW DARE YOU. Second of all SHIT HE'S RIGHT DEAR GOD WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN. At least my eyes still work well. Being the only one in my family who can still see without glasses makes me feel special
August 10, 2025 at 2:53 AM
Yesterday at my eye appointment the doctor lumped me in with "people around their 40s" and first of all HOW DARE YOU. Second of all SHIT HE'S RIGHT DEAR GOD WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN. At least my eyes still work well. Being the only one in my family who can still see without glasses makes me feel special
Getting really into watching whatever random old Jean-Claude Van Damme movies happen to be playing on Pluto tv while I'm flipping through their channels lately. Every character I've seen him play so far has what I can only describe as resting confusion face. It mesmerizes me.
a man with a name tag that says joe
ALT: a man with a name tag that says joe
media.tenor.com
July 29, 2025 at 8:02 AM
Getting really into watching whatever random old Jean-Claude Van Damme movies happen to be playing on Pluto tv while I'm flipping through their channels lately. Every character I've seen him play so far has what I can only describe as resting confusion face. It mesmerizes me.
Google just suddenly got rid of my ublock extension and I completely forgot what my social media sites looked like without all the extra crap on them I had meticulously removed throughout the years. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN. SWEET JESUS WHY.
July 11, 2025 at 9:40 AM
Google just suddenly got rid of my ublock extension and I completely forgot what my social media sites looked like without all the extra crap on them I had meticulously removed throughout the years. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN. SWEET JESUS WHY.
Why whenever I try to make an appointment anywhere do they ALWAYS start off with their earliest time, and no matter how many times I ask for their LATEST possible time it takes like 4 trys to get them to admit they have anything past 3pm. What is your last appointment time of the day GIVE IT TO ME
a woman in a purple shirt screams with her mouth wide open
ALT: a woman in a purple shirt screams with her mouth wide open
media.tenor.com
July 10, 2025 at 1:26 AM
Why whenever I try to make an appointment anywhere do they ALWAYS start off with their earliest time, and no matter how many times I ask for their LATEST possible time it takes like 4 trys to get them to admit they have anything past 3pm. What is your last appointment time of the day GIVE IT TO ME
For the past month or so I've seen at least 1 or 2 different cockroaches in our kitchen, and I'm not even bothered by it. Every time I see one I'm just like hey dude whats up. Why are they not freaking me out? Why am I perfectly fine living with kitchen cockroaches now? How lazy have I become?!
June 29, 2025 at 8:26 AM
For the past month or so I've seen at least 1 or 2 different cockroaches in our kitchen, and I'm not even bothered by it. Every time I see one I'm just like hey dude whats up. Why are they not freaking me out? Why am I perfectly fine living with kitchen cockroaches now? How lazy have I become?!
It is so hard unlearning to eat fast as hell. I had 36 good years til my stomach started punishing me for it. I DONT WANT TO GO SLOW MAN.
a picture of sonic the hedgehog with the words gotta go fast below him
ALT: a picture of sonic the hedgehog with the words gotta go fast below him
media.tenor.com
June 28, 2025 at 3:30 AM
It is so hard unlearning to eat fast as hell. I had 36 good years til my stomach started punishing me for it. I DONT WANT TO GO SLOW MAN.
My stomach: "PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD START EATING SLOWER. I CAN'T PROCESS FOOD LIKE I USED TO ANYMORE. GIRL I BEG OF YOU. YOU'RE NOT YOUNG ANYMORE."
My brain: "HAHAHAHA FUCK YOU I DO WHAT I WANT."
Me on the toilet an hour later: "PLEASE GOD KILL ME NOW."
My brain: "HAHAHAHA FUCK YOU I DO WHAT I WANT."
Me on the toilet an hour later: "PLEASE GOD KILL ME NOW."
June 28, 2025 at 3:19 AM
My stomach: "PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD START EATING SLOWER. I CAN'T PROCESS FOOD LIKE I USED TO ANYMORE. GIRL I BEG OF YOU. YOU'RE NOT YOUNG ANYMORE."
My brain: "HAHAHAHA FUCK YOU I DO WHAT I WANT."
Me on the toilet an hour later: "PLEASE GOD KILL ME NOW."
My brain: "HAHAHAHA FUCK YOU I DO WHAT I WANT."
Me on the toilet an hour later: "PLEASE GOD KILL ME NOW."
Do you have to wear a bra in prison?
June 18, 2025 at 5:40 AM
Do you have to wear a bra in prison?
Someone took my email address and signed me up for literally EVERYTHING. Got like 300 emails in 20 minutes. Wtf dude. Also, they went into my bestbuy account and bought $500 worth of stuff. Luckily I am fast as hell and canceled them immediately. FUCK YOU WHOEVER YOU ARE. Get outta my shit.
April 14, 2025 at 10:17 PM
Someone took my email address and signed me up for literally EVERYTHING. Got like 300 emails in 20 minutes. Wtf dude. Also, they went into my bestbuy account and bought $500 worth of stuff. Luckily I am fast as hell and canceled them immediately. FUCK YOU WHOEVER YOU ARE. Get outta my shit.
Sorry for the rant. I'm just so sick of streamings neverending onslaught of in your face ads bullshit.
March 27, 2025 at 10:05 AM
Sorry for the rant. I'm just so sick of streamings neverending onslaught of in your face ads bullshit.