The Cistemic Review
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thecistemicreview.bsky.social
The Cistemic Review
@thecistemicreview.bsky.social
Parody news desk run by a badger and duckling. Winner of the Calder Memorial Trophy.

Random generator used to create characters. Any names or descriptions of people, living or dead, are all purely coincidental.
Continues: "...rather it's the trans person who should be forcefully segregated and treated like a diseased freak.

They obviously haven't actually done anything tangibly wrong, but I have 4,000 social media memes on my phone that say hypothetically they could, so I'm completely justified."
October 21, 2025 at 10:11 AM
In a statement, the plantiff said "no, I don't want to voluntarily segregate myself from normal people spaces.

Do you know how degrading and humiliating it would be to use a third space away from normal people...?"
October 21, 2025 at 10:11 AM
In an ongoing court case in Wycliffe upon Shadwell, it has been revealed that an employee who objected to the mere existence of a trans coworker on the basis of being radicalised by social media, was offered a space by their employer where they could be "safe" from their harmless colleague.
October 21, 2025 at 10:11 AM
It's not clear yet if people will accept their sexuality being forcefully changed against their will by the government - though the deafening silence by the general population as trans people have an integral part of their humanity stripped away and redefined suggests they will without question.
June 16, 2025 at 3:57 PM
A government spokesperson said today "Given the reality of trans people, it is not possible to know for certain if that person you fancied on the train this morning is trans or not. It is therefore safer to assume that you're all bisexual now."
June 16, 2025 at 3:57 PM
"I've been in a same-sex relationship for two decades now" says Sarah from York. "But now my girlfriend has been arbitrarily designated a "man" at the behest a far-right hate group, so now I'm told that I'm not a lesbian anymore...?"
June 16, 2025 at 3:57 PM
"I thought I was a straight woman" said Marian from Edinburgh "I found a man attractive, but then I found that he'd had a needless legal sex-change forced upon him against his will by the government. So I guess I'm bisexual now...?"
June 16, 2025 at 3:57 PM
The recent Supreme Court decision, to forcefully recategorise an arbitrary number of women who look like women and have breasts and a vagina as men, and forcefully recategorise an arbitrary number of men who look like men and have a penis and no breasts are women, people's sexuality are now unclear.
June 16, 2025 at 3:57 PM
The effort by the government to appease far-right special interest groups' rampant transphobia has made not just your gender identity the sole properly of the government, but also your sexual identity. And that identity is always "bisexual".
June 16, 2025 at 3:57 PM
"But we have to be realistic, that if we're to make the lives of trans people totally unbearable and unworkable for no rational reason, changes must be made to the law that will make everybody's lives unbearable and unworkable. We're confident that's a sacrifice that everybody is willing to make."
May 30, 2025 at 10:32 AM
"We're aware that expecting people to provide a passport at public toilets to prove their birth sex seemed utterly deranged." said I've spokesperson. "Not least because trans people can have their passports updated to their correct gender marker, but because nobody carries their passport to the pub"
May 30, 2025 at 10:32 AM
When asked if similar laws would be applied to protect actual trans people; "We can’t rush these things. We will of course need to have at least a ten year consultation period, a non-binding parliamentary vote and see if we can find anybody else to object. Then we can think about looking into it."
February 24, 2025 at 1:53 PM
“It’s important to keep your bigotry to the correct category. It’s simply not the British way to apply bigotry intended for a minority group to someone outside that minority group. So please be completely certain the person is trans before you start."
February 24, 2025 at 1:53 PM
“As a result, we have implemented emergency measures to impose a 12 month mandatory custodial sentence for claiming that someone’s trans when they’re not, followed up by a 48 month minimum for any actual harm committed in the name of cis-on-cis transphobia.”
February 24, 2025 at 1:53 PM
“However, it's come to our attention that some members of the public are starting to face scrutiny, bigotry and even physical violence for being trans. But upon investigation it's turned out that some of these people are not actually transgender, and thus completely undeserving of these attacks.”
February 24, 2025 at 1:53 PM
“Thanks to a coordinated campaign of anti-trans rhetoric and lies spread about the trans community, we have seen a year-on-year increase in hate speech and hate crimes directed towards transgender individuals.”
February 24, 2025 at 1:53 PM
A statement prepared by the Labour government highlighted plans to roll out new transphobia protections for cisgender individuals.
February 24, 2025 at 1:53 PM
"The windscreen has been smashed by 16 cardboard-paper composite rods into a pattern resembling the man... my hero... Elon Musk himself. Such quality. You won't find this on the streets, I assure you!"
February 23, 2025 at 9:13 PM
"I had the seats pre-soaked in urine. It only takes a couple of weeks to get used to the smell. Kinda rubs off on your clothes, though."

"Tyres are pre-slashed in four places, so it's basically just the rims at this point. Nice. Nice." "Best not get into any accidents like that!" He chuckles wryly.
February 23, 2025 at 9:13 PM