The Cistemic Review
@thecistemicreview.bsky.social
Parody news desk run by a badger and duckling. Winner of the Calder Memorial Trophy.
Random generator used to create characters. Any names or descriptions of people, living or dead, are all purely coincidental.
Random generator used to create characters. Any names or descriptions of people, living or dead, are all purely coincidental.
BREAKING:
ANTI-LGBT EXTREMIST GETS ANGRY AT OPTIONALLY DOING THE THING THEY DEMAND OF LGBT PEOPLE
ANTI-LGBT EXTREMIST GETS ANGRY AT OPTIONALLY DOING THE THING THEY DEMAND OF LGBT PEOPLE
October 21, 2025 at 10:11 AM
BREAKING:
ANTI-LGBT EXTREMIST GETS ANGRY AT OPTIONALLY DOING THE THING THEY DEMAND OF LGBT PEOPLE
ANTI-LGBT EXTREMIST GETS ANGRY AT OPTIONALLY DOING THE THING THEY DEMAND OF LGBT PEOPLE
Fruit and Veg vendor arrested by police for supporting Palestine Action, speaks out:
"I was just selling watermelons wtf?!"
"I was just selling watermelons wtf?!"
July 19, 2025 at 9:17 PM
Fruit and Veg vendor arrested by police for supporting Palestine Action, speaks out:
"I was just selling watermelons wtf?!"
"I was just selling watermelons wtf?!"
British Government:
EVERYBODY'S BISEXUAL NOW!
EVERYBODY'S BISEXUAL NOW!
June 16, 2025 at 3:57 PM
British Government:
EVERYBODY'S BISEXUAL NOW!
EVERYBODY'S BISEXUAL NOW!
"Master Race" somehow continues to the most underwhelming bunch of roasters in human history.
June 10, 2025 at 2:04 PM
"Master Race" somehow continues to the most underwhelming bunch of roasters in human history.
BRITISH PASSPORTS TO INCLUDE MUGSHOT OF YOUR GENITALIA
A spokesperson for the Labour party today announced plans to change passport regulations to align with newly proposed public toilet control booths, to be stationed at all public restrooms.
A spokesperson for the Labour party today announced plans to change passport regulations to align with newly proposed public toilet control booths, to be stationed at all public restrooms.
May 30, 2025 at 10:32 AM
BRITISH PASSPORTS TO INCLUDE MUGSHOT OF YOUR GENITALIA
A spokesperson for the Labour party today announced plans to change passport regulations to align with newly proposed public toilet control booths, to be stationed at all public restrooms.
A spokesperson for the Labour party today announced plans to change passport regulations to align with newly proposed public toilet control booths, to be stationed at all public restrooms.
“Bullying and harassing someone for being trans is totally unacceptable, if they’re actually cisgender” - British Government
February 24, 2025 at 1:53 PM
“Bullying and harassing someone for being trans is totally unacceptable, if they’re actually cisgender” - British Government
Man orders "pre-vandalised" Cybertruck from the factory to save time having it vandalised later.
February 23, 2025 at 9:13 PM
Man orders "pre-vandalised" Cybertruck from the factory to save time having it vandalised later.
"I know all the anti-trans arguments of years gone by turned out to be complete horse shit... but I'm still going to angrily demand you debunk these fresh ones - in front of me - in real time - in a way I can understand - using 300 characters or less" says middle class man on social media
February 23, 2025 at 7:03 PM
"I know all the anti-trans arguments of years gone by turned out to be complete horse shit... but I'm still going to angrily demand you debunk these fresh ones - in front of me - in real time - in a way I can understand - using 300 characters or less" says middle class man on social media
🚨 JUST IN 🚨
Guardian exclusive.
“I think I saw a trans person” – British plane crash survivors speak of their ordeal.
Guardian exclusive.
“I think I saw a trans person” – British plane crash survivors speak of their ordeal.
February 22, 2025 at 10:57 PM
🚨 JUST IN 🚨
Guardian exclusive.
“I think I saw a trans person” – British plane crash survivors speak of their ordeal.
Guardian exclusive.
“I think I saw a trans person” – British plane crash survivors speak of their ordeal.
📰 EXCLUSIVE 📰
Prime Minister Keir Starmer invites Donald Trump to the UK, to attend traditional fascist appeasement ceremony.
Prime Minister Keir Starmer invites Donald Trump to the UK, to attend traditional fascist appeasement ceremony.
February 22, 2025 at 9:32 PM
📰 EXCLUSIVE 📰
Prime Minister Keir Starmer invites Donald Trump to the UK, to attend traditional fascist appeasement ceremony.
Prime Minister Keir Starmer invites Donald Trump to the UK, to attend traditional fascist appeasement ceremony.
“Donald Trump is NOT a Gender Critical Feminist” - claims Gender Critical Feminist who completely agrees with all his Gender Critical policies.
February 22, 2025 at 1:17 PM
“Donald Trump is NOT a Gender Critical Feminist” - claims Gender Critical Feminist who completely agrees with all his Gender Critical policies.
🚨 ALERT 🚨
JK Thatcher breaks loose; rampages West London!
JK Thatcher breaks loose; rampages West London!
February 22, 2025 at 10:53 AM
🚨 ALERT 🚨
JK Thatcher breaks loose; rampages West London!
JK Thatcher breaks loose; rampages West London!
JUST IN - Man who claims “trans community’s demands are unreasonable” can’t actually seem to list any of them.
February 19, 2025 at 7:47 PM
JUST IN - Man who claims “trans community’s demands are unreasonable” can’t actually seem to list any of them.
If you say “independent and evidence-based” twenty-six times into a mirror, Dr Hillary Cass will appear and take away your healthcare – a report.
February 18, 2025 at 8:31 PM
If you say “independent and evidence-based” twenty-six times into a mirror, Dr Hillary Cass will appear and take away your healthcare – a report.
EXCLUSIVE - People asked to imagine big, burly, bearded men using women’s spaces, in lieu of big, burly, bearded men using women’s spaces.
February 18, 2025 at 2:38 PM
EXCLUSIVE - People asked to imagine big, burly, bearded men using women’s spaces, in lieu of big, burly, bearded men using women’s spaces.
🚨BREAKING🚨
Billionaire unavailable for comment after a trans thing happened!
Billionaire unavailable for comment after a trans thing happened!
February 18, 2025 at 12:41 PM
🚨BREAKING🚨
Billionaire unavailable for comment after a trans thing happened!
Billionaire unavailable for comment after a trans thing happened!