This is the sum total of her investigation so far. More details to follow as she continues judging her neighbours, whilst peering from behind her curtain. I'm on the fence, but at least I got a cup of tea alongside a thrilling tale from this masterful Northern Sherlock. (8/8)

Thirdly, 'Mrs' looks like she "can't fight her way out of a paper bag" (subjective quantification from Mother) "I reckon I'd batter her, and I'm soft as shit", she explains. She then goes on to talk about the one time she waved at my Dad, and now thinks she's after him too. (7/8)

Secondly, the average duration of a " Karate Man rendezvous" is between 30mins-1hr (she uses Alexa to set a timer), and she knows the average Karate class length is between 1-2hrs. Again, simply not enough time to become proficient in the deadly martial art of Karate. (6/8)

She goes on to provide further details of why home Karate is implausible, hitting me with "facts". Including, but not limited to: Firstly, Going on Google to find out Karate mat sizes (competition size is 8m squared) Simply, not enough room... (5/8)

With skillful analysis, she concludes their home would be a mirror of hers and there simply wouldn't be enough room for "Judo throws" (Noted confusion between clearly distinct martial arts of Karate and Judo) Also, they had a "fucking massive sofa" delivered the other week. (4/8)

'Karate Man' only appears once the 'Mrs' Husband leaves for work. He pulls up in his Karate van (not a joke) The van has full on dojo and business details plastered all over the side. "So maybe she is learning Karate at home", I said. "Impossible", according to my Mother. (3/8)

The married couple who live next door, in a 2-bed park home, in very close proximity, have always been "odd folk" (Her words. FYI, she originally thought they were swingers) But now she deduces 'Mrs' might be having an affair with a character my Mother calls 'Karate Man'. (2/8)