Suburbanista
@suburbanista.bsky.social
News and views from the Parking Lot Prairie. Our love for six lane arterial roads and replacing nature with parking is real, but the stories we share are satire.
As trucks and SUVs explode in size, safety experts urge action to protect kids. These Frisco moms are meeting the challenge.
"The tops of their heads don't even come up to the tires on these new SUVs! Only God can fix this. We ask the Lord to bless us with taller, sturdier children."
"The tops of their heads don't even come up to the tires on these new SUVs! Only God can fix this. We ask the Lord to bless us with taller, sturdier children."
December 2, 2025 at 1:22 AM
As trucks and SUVs explode in size, safety experts urge action to protect kids. These Frisco moms are meeting the challenge.
"The tops of their heads don't even come up to the tires on these new SUVs! Only God can fix this. We ask the Lord to bless us with taller, sturdier children."
"The tops of their heads don't even come up to the tires on these new SUVs! Only God can fix this. We ask the Lord to bless us with taller, sturdier children."
"When we started getting input from residents after committing the city to leaving DART, some pointed to our 'City of Excellence' motto. Like, 'Cities have transit!', and frankly, they have a point," a councilman told Suburbanista.
"We're listening! Rest assured that we'll choose a new motto soon."
"We're listening! Rest assured that we'll choose a new motto soon."
November 21, 2025 at 4:35 PM
"When we started getting input from residents after committing the city to leaving DART, some pointed to our 'City of Excellence' motto. Like, 'Cities have transit!', and frankly, they have a point," a councilman told Suburbanista.
"We're listening! Rest assured that we'll choose a new motto soon."
"We're listening! Rest assured that we'll choose a new motto soon."
As Plano weighs replacing DART with on-demand "microtransit" like Arlington’s Via, critics worry it may not feel the same.
“Having microtransit does not mean we can't satisfy our residents!” a council member said, adding, "Plano’s many lifted trucks could help compensate for having microtransit."
“Having microtransit does not mean we can't satisfy our residents!” a council member said, adding, "Plano’s many lifted trucks could help compensate for having microtransit."
November 16, 2025 at 2:59 PM
As Plano weighs replacing DART with on-demand "microtransit" like Arlington’s Via, critics worry it may not feel the same.
“Having microtransit does not mean we can't satisfy our residents!” a council member said, adding, "Plano’s many lifted trucks could help compensate for having microtransit."
“Having microtransit does not mean we can't satisfy our residents!” a council member said, adding, "Plano’s many lifted trucks could help compensate for having microtransit."
"Adults can do whatever they want," a councilmember told our reporter at the grand opening.
"But parents exposing literal children to the unqualified joy of trains is wrong. Kids don't know that public transit is unpopular and that nobody wants it. We have to teach them that."
"But parents exposing literal children to the unqualified joy of trains is wrong. Kids don't know that public transit is unpopular and that nobody wants it. We have to teach them that."
October 25, 2025 at 11:38 PM
"Adults can do whatever they want," a councilmember told our reporter at the grand opening.
"But parents exposing literal children to the unqualified joy of trains is wrong. Kids don't know that public transit is unpopular and that nobody wants it. We have to teach them that."
"But parents exposing literal children to the unqualified joy of trains is wrong. Kids don't know that public transit is unpopular and that nobody wants it. We have to teach them that."
"I agree with Mayor Jerry Jones that public transit will be bad for Arlington, and will bring undesirables in to our perfect suburb," an angry Arlington resident told Suburbanista.
"But cutting transit service to Arlington out of fear of car-centric people and culture is downright discriminatory!"
"But cutting transit service to Arlington out of fear of car-centric people and culture is downright discriminatory!"
October 16, 2025 at 3:48 PM
"I agree with Mayor Jerry Jones that public transit will be bad for Arlington, and will bring undesirables in to our perfect suburb," an angry Arlington resident told Suburbanista.
"But cutting transit service to Arlington out of fear of car-centric people and culture is downright discriminatory!"
"But cutting transit service to Arlington out of fear of car-centric people and culture is downright discriminatory!"
"Travel time from Plano's northern border to Downtown Dallas will be just ten minutes, with five minute headways and connections at multiple DART stations," a staffer told Suburbanista on condition of anonymity.
"We'll see how DART and those public transit advocates like THAT."
"We'll see how DART and those public transit advocates like THAT."
October 16, 2025 at 12:46 PM
"Travel time from Plano's northern border to Downtown Dallas will be just ten minutes, with five minute headways and connections at multiple DART stations," a staffer told Suburbanista on condition of anonymity.
"We'll see how DART and those public transit advocates like THAT."
"We'll see how DART and those public transit advocates like THAT."
🚨 PARENTAL WARNING 🚨
Multiple parent groups are finding this design showing up on their teens' phones and social media feeds. If you see this, TALK TO YOUR KIDS! Someone could be trying to get them to turn your neighborhood into the INNER CITY!
Multiple parent groups are finding this design showing up on their teens' phones and social media feeds. If you see this, TALK TO YOUR KIDS! Someone could be trying to get them to turn your neighborhood into the INNER CITY!
October 12, 2025 at 10:17 PM
🚨 PARENTAL WARNING 🚨
Multiple parent groups are finding this design showing up on their teens' phones and social media feeds. If you see this, TALK TO YOUR KIDS! Someone could be trying to get them to turn your neighborhood into the INNER CITY!
Multiple parent groups are finding this design showing up on their teens' phones and social media feeds. If you see this, TALK TO YOUR KIDS! Someone could be trying to get them to turn your neighborhood into the INNER CITY!
"I don't care if he gets around just fine on the trolley. I don't care if he's an oil baron worth $30 billion in 2025 money. If he doesn't have a car, he's just clearly not even trying," Emily told Suburbanista via a collection of journals found in a crawlspace at Old City Park.
October 6, 2025 at 4:55 PM
"I don't care if he gets around just fine on the trolley. I don't care if he's an oil baron worth $30 billion in 2025 money. If he doesn't have a car, he's just clearly not even trying," Emily told Suburbanista via a collection of journals found in a crawlspace at Old City Park.
North Texas highway commuter Greg Johnson tells Suburbanista that he'll participate in #WeekWithoutDriving when he's dead.
"Sure, a city where driving isn't necessary sounds nice, but people forget that North Texas' roads take hundreds of us to a city like that every year. It's called Heaven."
"Sure, a city where driving isn't necessary sounds nice, but people forget that North Texas' roads take hundreds of us to a city like that every year. It's called Heaven."
October 2, 2025 at 1:34 PM
North Texas highway commuter Greg Johnson tells Suburbanista that he'll participate in #WeekWithoutDriving when he's dead.
"Sure, a city where driving isn't necessary sounds nice, but people forget that North Texas' roads take hundreds of us to a city like that every year. It's called Heaven."
"Sure, a city where driving isn't necessary sounds nice, but people forget that North Texas' roads take hundreds of us to a city like that every year. It's called Heaven."
Investigators say the deceased cyclist failed to make eye contact with the motorist who hit him from behind in the bike lane.
"The cyclist hit the car from the front, causing a major annoyance for the driver and hundreds of dollars in damage to the front bumper," a source told Suburbanista.
"The cyclist hit the car from the front, causing a major annoyance for the driver and hundreds of dollars in damage to the front bumper," a source told Suburbanista.
October 1, 2025 at 11:16 PM
Investigators say the deceased cyclist failed to make eye contact with the motorist who hit him from behind in the bike lane.
"The cyclist hit the car from the front, causing a major annoyance for the driver and hundreds of dollars in damage to the front bumper," a source told Suburbanista.
"The cyclist hit the car from the front, causing a major annoyance for the driver and hundreds of dollars in damage to the front bumper," a source told Suburbanista.
"Habitat loss is the primary driver of car-human interactions, followed by the precipitous drop in children playing outside," car ecologist Jennifer Stevens told Suburbanista.
"If cars can't find their prey on the sidewalks or on a residential street, they're going to start looking elsewhere."
"If cars can't find their prey on the sidewalks or on a residential street, they're going to start looking elsewhere."
September 20, 2025 at 2:12 PM
"Habitat loss is the primary driver of car-human interactions, followed by the precipitous drop in children playing outside," car ecologist Jennifer Stevens told Suburbanista.
"If cars can't find their prey on the sidewalks or on a residential street, they're going to start looking elsewhere."
"If cars can't find their prey on the sidewalks or on a residential street, they're going to start looking elsewhere."
"It was cut short before it was even conceived!," one resident tearfully told Suburbanista.
"Those planning to ride this train when it opens on October 25th should be deported to the sun for mocking everything the freeway would have stood for. The hypothetical road is now with Christ in Valhalla."
"Those planning to ride this train when it opens on October 25th should be deported to the sun for mocking everything the freeway would have stood for. The hypothetical road is now with Christ in Valhalla."
September 16, 2025 at 2:00 PM
"It was cut short before it was even conceived!," one resident tearfully told Suburbanista.
"Those planning to ride this train when it opens on October 25th should be deported to the sun for mocking everything the freeway would have stood for. The hypothetical road is now with Christ in Valhalla."
"Those planning to ride this train when it opens on October 25th should be deported to the sun for mocking everything the freeway would have stood for. The hypothetical road is now with Christ in Valhalla."
"DallasBot, why can't the city implement traffic calming or narrow roadways to reduce speeding?"
"We're sorry, but the API limit has been reached for today."
"There is no API limit, is there?"
"There is not. Would you like me to write a poem about how Phoenix' roads are almost as bad?"
"We're sorry, but the API limit has been reached for today."
"There is no API limit, is there?"
"There is not. Would you like me to write a poem about how Phoenix' roads are almost as bad?"
September 4, 2025 at 1:11 PM
"DallasBot, why can't the city implement traffic calming or narrow roadways to reduce speeding?"
"We're sorry, but the API limit has been reached for today."
"There is no API limit, is there?"
"There is not. Would you like me to write a poem about how Phoenix' roads are almost as bad?"
"We're sorry, but the API limit has been reached for today."
"There is no API limit, is there?"
"There is not. Would you like me to write a poem about how Phoenix' roads are almost as bad?"
This historical photo of the University of Plano is bittersweet.
Today's compulsory driving advocates stand on the shoulders of giants who studied at the Fina School of Parking Lot Engineering and the Enco Mobil College of Defunding Public Transit.
Plano used to *believe* in cars. What happened?
Today's compulsory driving advocates stand on the shoulders of giants who studied at the Fina School of Parking Lot Engineering and the Enco Mobil College of Defunding Public Transit.
Plano used to *believe* in cars. What happened?
August 31, 2025 at 3:51 AM
This historical photo of the University of Plano is bittersweet.
Today's compulsory driving advocates stand on the shoulders of giants who studied at the Fina School of Parking Lot Engineering and the Enco Mobil College of Defunding Public Transit.
Plano used to *believe* in cars. What happened?
Today's compulsory driving advocates stand on the shoulders of giants who studied at the Fina School of Parking Lot Engineering and the Enco Mobil College of Defunding Public Transit.
Plano used to *believe* in cars. What happened?
"There are so few places where a car can just be a car," a Plano city official told Suburbanista.
"As cars get smarter with the advent of AI, they're going to need places to bond and form communities with other motor vehicles. It's important we get that infrastructure in place now."
"As cars get smarter with the advent of AI, they're going to need places to bond and form communities with other motor vehicles. It's important we get that infrastructure in place now."
August 26, 2025 at 3:14 PM
"There are so few places where a car can just be a car," a Plano city official told Suburbanista.
"As cars get smarter with the advent of AI, they're going to need places to bond and form communities with other motor vehicles. It's important we get that infrastructure in place now."
"As cars get smarter with the advent of AI, they're going to need places to bond and form communities with other motor vehicles. It's important we get that infrastructure in place now."
Residents say the city's "2500 by 2500" plan to build a half mile of sidewalk by the year 2500 dishonors the memory of Dallas pioneer Preston Hillcrest of the Royal Forest Clearing Company, who believed barren landscapes and sedentary lifestyles could stop criminals via depression and heart disease.
August 14, 2025 at 2:37 PM
Residents say the city's "2500 by 2500" plan to build a half mile of sidewalk by the year 2500 dishonors the memory of Dallas pioneer Preston Hillcrest of the Royal Forest Clearing Company, who believed barren landscapes and sedentary lifestyles could stop criminals via depression and heart disease.
An official speaking anonymously told Suburbanista that Plano city leaders may call off future legislative attacks in exchange for a 300% DART funding cut and a dinosaur plushie.
July 30, 2025 at 1:25 PM
An official speaking anonymously told Suburbanista that Plano city leaders may call off future legislative attacks in exchange for a 300% DART funding cut and a dinosaur plushie.
The City of Plano accepted the coveted City of Excellence award from Pave the Earth, an industry group that represents parking lot paving and striping companies around the world.
“Plano isn’t fighting a war on walking. The war is over, and Plano has won. The City of Excellence inspires us all.”
“Plano isn’t fighting a war on walking. The war is over, and Plano has won. The City of Excellence inspires us all.”
July 29, 2025 at 7:06 PM
The City of Plano accepted the coveted City of Excellence award from Pave the Earth, an industry group that represents parking lot paving and striping companies around the world.
“Plano isn’t fighting a war on walking. The war is over, and Plano has won. The City of Excellence inspires us all.”
“Plano isn’t fighting a war on walking. The war is over, and Plano has won. The City of Excellence inspires us all.”
Even if /r/Plano won’t have us, we’re committed to bringing Pulitzer-worthy shitposts to the people of Plano and its beautiful suburbs— even Dallas.
Car dependency dies in the darkness, but Suburbanista will continue to shine bright like a 10,000 watt LED floodlight in your favorite parking lot. 💜
Car dependency dies in the darkness, but Suburbanista will continue to shine bright like a 10,000 watt LED floodlight in your favorite parking lot. 💜
July 26, 2025 at 12:00 AM
Even if /r/Plano won’t have us, we’re committed to bringing Pulitzer-worthy shitposts to the people of Plano and its beautiful suburbs— even Dallas.
Car dependency dies in the darkness, but Suburbanista will continue to shine bright like a 10,000 watt LED floodlight in your favorite parking lot. 💜
Car dependency dies in the darkness, but Suburbanista will continue to shine bright like a 10,000 watt LED floodlight in your favorite parking lot. 💜
“Planners have been trying to solve traffic for ages, but sometimes you need a blank slate to see things from a new perspective,” Mr. Williams told Suburbanista.
When asked if it was possible to re-enable public transit in the game, he laughed.
“If you were my student, I’d send you home for that.”
When asked if it was possible to re-enable public transit in the game, he laughed.
“If you were my student, I’d send you home for that.”
July 25, 2025 at 1:22 PM
“Planners have been trying to solve traffic for ages, but sometimes you need a blank slate to see things from a new perspective,” Mr. Williams told Suburbanista.
When asked if it was possible to re-enable public transit in the game, he laughed.
“If you were my student, I’d send you home for that.”
When asked if it was possible to re-enable public transit in the game, he laughed.
“If you were my student, I’d send you home for that.”
“I’m not a passenger princess. I’m a gasoline goddess,” Ms. Erickson told Suburbanista.
“If a man won’t burn at least four gallons of that Exxon love potion to come see me, he’s a scrub. Having a truck or SUV isn’t enough; I need a man who will put in the miles.”
“If a man won’t burn at least four gallons of that Exxon love potion to come see me, he’s a scrub. Having a truck or SUV isn’t enough; I need a man who will put in the miles.”
July 24, 2025 at 3:35 PM
“I’m not a passenger princess. I’m a gasoline goddess,” Ms. Erickson told Suburbanista.
“If a man won’t burn at least four gallons of that Exxon love potion to come see me, he’s a scrub. Having a truck or SUV isn’t enough; I need a man who will put in the miles.”
“If a man won’t burn at least four gallons of that Exxon love potion to come see me, he’s a scrub. Having a truck or SUV isn’t enough; I need a man who will put in the miles.”
“Nobody understands pedestrian dignity like Dallas,” a city transportation official told Suburbanista.
“It’s not possible to reduce fatalities without potentially slowing traffic, but we can honor pedestrians killed on our roads with a legacy of facilitating right turns for generations to come.
“It’s not possible to reduce fatalities without potentially slowing traffic, but we can honor pedestrians killed on our roads with a legacy of facilitating right turns for generations to come.
July 17, 2025 at 4:22 PM
“Nobody understands pedestrian dignity like Dallas,” a city transportation official told Suburbanista.
“It’s not possible to reduce fatalities without potentially slowing traffic, but we can honor pedestrians killed on our roads with a legacy of facilitating right turns for generations to come.
“It’s not possible to reduce fatalities without potentially slowing traffic, but we can honor pedestrians killed on our roads with a legacy of facilitating right turns for generations to come.
Arlington residents held a peaceful demonstration earlier today as rumors spread of plans to build an Applebee’s near the site of a former concrete batch plant.
“These pie in the sky utopian city planning ideas sound great until it’s your abandoned industrial park in the crosshairs. We say no!”
“These pie in the sky utopian city planning ideas sound great until it’s your abandoned industrial park in the crosshairs. We say no!”
July 3, 2025 at 7:42 PM
Arlington residents held a peaceful demonstration earlier today as rumors spread of plans to build an Applebee’s near the site of a former concrete batch plant.
“These pie in the sky utopian city planning ideas sound great until it’s your abandoned industrial park in the crosshairs. We say no!”
“These pie in the sky utopian city planning ideas sound great until it’s your abandoned industrial park in the crosshairs. We say no!”
