Jimmy Valmer
@standupjimmy.bsky.social
Aspiring standup comedian born with cerebral palsy. Comedy can be the best therapy very much. Wow, what a terrific audience!
Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new car?
Neither has he.
Neither has he.
November 14, 2025 at 5:47 PM
Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new car?
Neither has he.
Neither has he.
Dating Red was the biggest mistake of my life.
November 14, 2025 at 1:09 PM
Dating Red was the biggest mistake of my life.
I can’t believe I let myself get hyped up to a gold digger.
November 14, 2025 at 1:54 AM
I can’t believe I let myself get hyped up to a gold digger.
I can’t blame Butters for doing what he did. This wouldn’t have happened if Red didn’t put his life in danger. I have no sympathy for that lying bitch.
November 14, 2025 at 1:49 AM
I can’t blame Butters for doing what he did. This wouldn’t have happened if Red didn’t put his life in danger. I have no sympathy for that lying bitch.
[sings “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” in Klingon]
November 13, 2025 at 9:56 PM
[sings “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” in Klingon]
[rapping] 🎶 This morning I woke up on a mission, out the window screaming “fuck the competition!” 🎶
November 12, 2025 at 2:06 PM
[rapping] 🎶 This morning I woke up on a mission, out the window screaming “fuck the competition!” 🎶
There’s something up my ass!
November 11, 2025 at 10:19 PM
There’s something up my ass!
P-p-please be okay, Butters. Please. 🙏🥺
November 11, 2025 at 1:27 AM
P-p-please be okay, Butters. Please. 🙏🥺
I wanna get a job cleaning mirrors. It’s just something I can see myself doing.
November 9, 2025 at 12:35 AM
I wanna get a job cleaning mirrors. It’s just something I can see myself doing.
What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef jerky.
Beef jerky.
November 9, 2025 at 12:21 AM
What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef jerky.
Beef jerky.
What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber, perverts!
A cucumber, perverts!
November 8, 2025 at 10:23 AM
What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber, perverts!
A cucumber, perverts!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 🤣🤣🤣
November 5, 2025 at 8:26 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 🤣🤣🤣
Did you hear about the guy with five penises?
His underpants fit like a glove.
His underpants fit like a glove.
November 4, 2025 at 1:33 PM
Did you hear about the guy with five penises?
His underpants fit like a glove.
His underpants fit like a glove.
🎶 Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat 🎶
October 31, 2025 at 12:23 PM
🎶 Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat 🎶
Unlikely lines in movies:
“Nicolas Flamel is smoking weed! The Sorcerer stoned!”
“Nicolas Flamel is smoking weed! The Sorcerer stoned!”
October 29, 2025 at 10:59 PM
Unlikely lines in movies:
“Nicolas Flamel is smoking weed! The Sorcerer stoned!”
“Nicolas Flamel is smoking weed! The Sorcerer stoned!”
Finkle dinkle fuckle duckle.
October 28, 2025 at 9:27 PM
Finkle dinkle fuckle duckle.
What’s the difference between PC Principal and a phone?
When my phone dies, I’ll actually give a fuck.
When my phone dies, I’ll actually give a fuck.
October 28, 2025 at 7:38 PM
What’s the difference between PC Principal and a phone?
When my phone dies, I’ll actually give a fuck.
When my phone dies, I’ll actually give a fuck.
I think I’ll come back as Dannii Minogue and get myself a job as a topless go-go dancer in a bar full of mirrors!
October 27, 2025 at 7:18 PM
I think I’ll come back as Dannii Minogue and get myself a job as a topless go-go dancer in a bar full of mirrors!
A gnat has just bitten Rik on the cock, and he’s like “That was my first ever blowjob!” 🤣🤣🤣
October 26, 2025 at 3:15 PM
A gnat has just bitten Rik on the cock, and he’s like “That was my first ever blowjob!” 🤣🤣🤣
Butters is a damn good actor!
October 25, 2025 at 11:39 PM
Butters is a damn good actor!
I’m a bastard! And a shit! A bastard and a shit!
October 25, 2025 at 9:54 AM
I’m a bastard! And a shit! A bastard and a shit!
I love you, Nancy. I love you, Butters. I love you, Clyde. I love you, Andy. I love you, Timmy.
October 25, 2025 at 1:01 AM
I love you, Nancy. I love you, Butters. I love you, Clyde. I love you, Andy. I love you, Timmy.
This crispy duck is delicious.
October 18, 2025 at 11:13 PM
This crispy duck is delicious.