Rolling up to the gig with my petal board (I love flowers and don’t know how gear works)
December 18, 2025 at 10:00 PM
Rolling up to the gig with my petal board (I love flowers and don’t know how gear works)
I’m so lucky I was blessed with a name that’s gender neutral AND moanable
December 11, 2025 at 6:10 AM
I’m so lucky I was blessed with a name that’s gender neutral AND moanable
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Lick a man’s neck and he’ll moan a little
December 10, 2025 at 6:42 PM
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Lick a man’s neck and he’ll moan a little
I got divorced cause my only real commitment is to the bit
December 3, 2025 at 9:01 AM
I got divorced cause my only real commitment is to the bit
Idk why they call it dry humping, I’m literally wet the whole time
December 3, 2025 at 8:57 AM
Idk why they call it dry humping, I’m literally wet the whole time
I’ve been realizing I have more free will than ever before. 2026 is gonna be my year of Liberated William
December 3, 2025 at 7:02 AM
I’ve been realizing I have more free will than ever before. 2026 is gonna be my year of Liberated William
Identical twins are just one guy who’s two guys
November 21, 2025 at 6:10 AM
Identical twins are just one guy who’s two guys
Apparently there’s a secret menu item at Waffle House called the “back rub” and it’s where they rub your back
November 21, 2025 at 6:08 AM
Apparently there’s a secret menu item at Waffle House called the “back rub” and it’s where they rub your back
Hoping to go camping with my outdoorsy baddie so we can roleplay mosquitoes (sucking each other off by a campfire)
November 18, 2025 at 7:00 PM
Hoping to go camping with my outdoorsy baddie so we can roleplay mosquitoes (sucking each other off by a campfire)
If you’re the last guy my dms are open
Every friend group got the funny guy, the gamer, the loner, the chill one, the ghoul, and the guy with a praise kink who needs to be lovingly dominated
November 3, 2025 at 5:20 PM
If you’re the last guy my dms are open
Every friend group got the funny guy, the gamer, the loner, the chill one, the ghoul, and the guy with a praise kink who needs to be lovingly dominated
November 3, 2025 at 5:19 PM
Every friend group got the funny guy, the gamer, the loner, the chill one, the ghoul, and the guy with a praise kink who needs to be lovingly dominated
just letting everyone know I got to use this line irl last week and it killed
me (to the other girl in the threesome): is this guy bothering you
October 21, 2025 at 7:12 PM
just letting everyone know I got to use this line irl last week and it killed
I hate when I put spinach in a pot of soup and it immediately disappears. Where are you going baby
October 21, 2025 at 2:38 AM
I hate when I put spinach in a pot of soup and it immediately disappears. Where are you going baby
PG never have I ever is so much more fun. What do you mean you’ve never eaten a strawberry
October 19, 2025 at 4:56 PM
PG never have I ever is so much more fun. What do you mean you’ve never eaten a strawberry
The year is 2032. I tweet about boobs and donald trump commands his twinky eunuch to remotely detonate my IUD
I fear the government will use my tweets to figure out when I’m ovulating
October 9, 2025 at 6:49 AM
The year is 2032. I tweet about boobs and donald trump commands his twinky eunuch to remotely detonate my IUD
I fear the government will use my tweets to figure out when I’m ovulating
October 9, 2025 at 6:45 AM
I fear the government will use my tweets to figure out when I’m ovulating
Vanilla sex is not quite enough but spicy sex is a little too much for me. is there such thing as nutmeg sex. Brown sugar cinnamon sex perhaps
October 9, 2025 at 6:41 AM
Vanilla sex is not quite enough but spicy sex is a little too much for me. is there such thing as nutmeg sex. Brown sugar cinnamon sex perhaps
my hookup: I’m into degradation
me, throwing tomatoes: boooooo 🍅
me, throwing tomatoes: boooooo 🍅
October 6, 2025 at 5:22 AM
my hookup: I’m into degradation
me, throwing tomatoes: boooooo 🍅
me, throwing tomatoes: boooooo 🍅
me (to the other girl in the threesome): is this guy bothering you
October 6, 2025 at 5:17 AM
me (to the other girl in the threesome): is this guy bothering you
Set my tinder to butches only, call that a masc mandate
October 5, 2025 at 5:20 AM
Set my tinder to butches only, call that a masc mandate
You know the orgasm is good when you start moaning in Romanian
October 3, 2025 at 2:22 AM
You know the orgasm is good when you start moaning in Romanian
The best part of a new relationship is the thrill of the chase 😉 This girl is running fast as fuck though
September 12, 2025 at 5:13 AM
The best part of a new relationship is the thrill of the chase 😉 This girl is running fast as fuck though
The WOKE LEFT is ruining the sanctity of MARRIAGE. Marriage should ONLY consist of ONE MAN, One WOMAN, and ME. We are IN LOVE
September 12, 2025 at 5:09 AM
The WOKE LEFT is ruining the sanctity of MARRIAGE. Marriage should ONLY consist of ONE MAN, One WOMAN, and ME. We are IN LOVE
New drink: the Chicago handjob. GHB, Malört, and Mountain Dew code red
September 10, 2025 at 12:49 AM
New drink: the Chicago handjob. GHB, Malört, and Mountain Dew code red
My toiler flush now. Big moves 💪🏻🔥💯
September 4, 2025 at 9:30 PM
My toiler flush now. Big moves 💪🏻🔥💯