I have done so much work on myself but it didn't really click until recently. It's a weird form of acceptance in a way, where the way they abandoned me when I was small, created a loop of self-abandonment just to feel accepted. It IS a different kind of fuck-up.
We can do better for ourselves ❤️

How, then, to know what love is, if it was never present?

Oh, great answer, actually - I didn't think about it that way at all! I appreciate your perspective, and tolerance of my questions.

I remember my divorce was a need for peace. Once in my new place, I crashed completely. Became a long needed healing journey. Give yourself grace in the rough moments 🫶

I ask because I've lived my whole life with purpose. Held Study circles talking about trauma. Lectures. Have had a "secret" shelter in my home, helping people from similar backgrounds.
The way I've done it has excluded myself so I gather that's the difference? It shows me I'm not done healing. 😅

I get it. Why give up happiness though? The right to feel free?

Ah, I see. Thank you for clarifying. Yeah, it was a hard pill to swallow because I was on a mission back then to know everything.
Not having that today.
I just want to feel free. Safe. At peace.

Didn't mean to annoy or disappoint you. I have an active cPTSD spiraling plus ADHD. I'm overexplaining. I truly meant no disrespect. 🙏

I get it. Harshly enough.. It's not about changing the past. 🫶
I know I get stuck on that. Sometimes I feel robbed of my life, my years, my dreams, ambitions. I finally worked with acceptance (radical acceptance) and grief... Have you worked with that?

Do you want the whole picture? I don't have all the pieces but as one therapist said many years ago; Do I really need to know ALL the details in order to move forward towards healing, or are all the things I DO know, enough?

At some point, I realized, knowing more details don't help me.

I want to be over this.

I don't know if it's courage. It's most certainly survival and I'm unsure what life is like without it. I thought I was outside survival since 2020.
I've worked to find the pieces now found. Took another hell again, a loss of relation (again), another burnout, another dangerous time physically.

I'm sorry you went through that. Sincerely. Must be super hard for you! I think it does create a different kind of struggle to overcome, because society has a harder time supporting men in these situations. It is getting better though, but it's slow. Too slow for the men waiting to breathe.

Do you have support on your journey?

It's not until now all the pieces are put into place, for real.

I was continuously abused (sexually/physically/ emotionally) until I ran away at 16, and after that it was relationships with narcissists and/or violent men. Abused. Assaulted. Forced.(Obviously not in the beginning). I'm textbook empath, I know.
Sadly, I've worked 30 years to heal myself

I totally understand! I was 3 when it started so I also only remember terror - very detailed (although I don't have flashbacks as I used to). Everything else outside of the abuse is blank and what I remember is often stories told by others or from photos. New memories don't get stored equally