Me [picks up rock]: hell yeah
May 16, 2024 at 10:30 PM
Me [picks up rock]: hell yeah
Smell my shirt, smells bad
May 16, 2024 at 8:42 PM
Smell my shirt, smells bad
Me [flailingly wildly in public pool, gasping for air]
Lifeguard [still sitting in his raised chair]: do you know how to swim?
Me [gulping water]: no lol
Lifeguard: lol
Lifeguard [still sitting in his raised chair]: do you know how to swim?
Me [gulping water]: no lol
Lifeguard: lol
May 15, 2024 at 4:16 PM
Me [flailingly wildly in public pool, gasping for air]
Lifeguard [still sitting in his raised chair]: do you know how to swim?
Me [gulping water]: no lol
Lifeguard: lol
Lifeguard [still sitting in his raised chair]: do you know how to swim?
Me [gulping water]: no lol
Lifeguard: lol
Me [driving car to go anywhere]: man this sucks
May 15, 2024 at 1:51 PM
Me [driving car to go anywhere]: man this sucks
Diddy Kong racing but it's just all the characters floating down a lazy river drinkin beers
May 14, 2024 at 10:49 PM
Diddy Kong racing but it's just all the characters floating down a lazy river drinkin beers
Me [stretching out at the park before a run]
Guy [walking his dog]: you shouldn't do that, you should do these other stetches that are better for you
Me [morphs into rattlesnake and chases guy]
Guy [walking his dog]: you shouldn't do that, you should do these other stetches that are better for you
Me [morphs into rattlesnake and chases guy]
May 14, 2024 at 5:34 PM
Me [stretching out at the park before a run]
Guy [walking his dog]: you shouldn't do that, you should do these other stetches that are better for you
Me [morphs into rattlesnake and chases guy]
Guy [walking his dog]: you shouldn't do that, you should do these other stetches that are better for you
Me [morphs into rattlesnake and chases guy]
Inventing a new way of pooping where you pop your head off and poop out your neck hole. It's a lot healthier, I'd imagine.
May 14, 2024 at 2:05 PM
Inventing a new way of pooping where you pop your head off and poop out your neck hole. It's a lot healthier, I'd imagine.
"Why would I get decaf, this coffee tastes like piss"
overheard at starbucks between two baristas
overheard at starbucks between two baristas
May 14, 2024 at 1:21 AM
"Why would I get decaf, this coffee tastes like piss"
overheard at starbucks between two baristas
overheard at starbucks between two baristas
"I really want to learn how to play violin," I say to myself half-consciously while grocery shopping and will never take any actions toward this goal whatsoever, but will repeat the statement again in 18 months adding in some regret about "imagine if I started when I thought about this last time."
May 14, 2024 at 12:24 AM
"I really want to learn how to play violin," I say to myself half-consciously while grocery shopping and will never take any actions toward this goal whatsoever, but will repeat the statement again in 18 months adding in some regret about "imagine if I started when I thought about this last time."
"squabbling" sounds like it should be a lot cooler than what it actually means, like it should be the name of some fucko nasty sea-bird that would mess with pirates on the open ocean.
"Aye, the squabblin' be peckin' at me leg 'n' shittin' everywhere"
come on, so good
"Aye, the squabblin' be peckin' at me leg 'n' shittin' everywhere"
come on, so good
May 13, 2024 at 12:12 PM
"squabbling" sounds like it should be a lot cooler than what it actually means, like it should be the name of some fucko nasty sea-bird that would mess with pirates on the open ocean.
"Aye, the squabblin' be peckin' at me leg 'n' shittin' everywhere"
come on, so good
"Aye, the squabblin' be peckin' at me leg 'n' shittin' everywhere"
come on, so good
"Ugh, what could've been," I say aloud with a sigh, mere moments before eating another half-frozen uncrustable pb&j.
May 13, 2024 at 9:41 AM
"Ugh, what could've been," I say aloud with a sigh, mere moments before eating another half-frozen uncrustable pb&j.
My resume is full of gaps so I just started putting stuff like:
Pa's farm in trouble, cows learned to drive harvesters (June 2023 to December 2023)
and let me tell you, I am still unemployed.
Pa's farm in trouble, cows learned to drive harvesters (June 2023 to December 2023)
and let me tell you, I am still unemployed.
May 13, 2024 at 3:43 AM
My resume is full of gaps so I just started putting stuff like:
Pa's farm in trouble, cows learned to drive harvesters (June 2023 to December 2023)
and let me tell you, I am still unemployed.
Pa's farm in trouble, cows learned to drive harvesters (June 2023 to December 2023)
and let me tell you, I am still unemployed.
Yeah, I'm into BASEBALL:
bees
apricots
slam dunks
electric slide
bees (they're awesome)
argentina
lobsters
letting go of metaphysical dread
bees
apricots
slam dunks
electric slide
bees (they're awesome)
argentina
lobsters
letting go of metaphysical dread
May 12, 2024 at 11:21 AM
Yeah, I'm into BASEBALL:
bees
apricots
slam dunks
electric slide
bees (they're awesome)
argentina
lobsters
letting go of metaphysical dread
bees
apricots
slam dunks
electric slide
bees (they're awesome)
argentina
lobsters
letting go of metaphysical dread
i live in an alternate reality where Blockbuster pivoted their business strategy before bankruptcy and now they're a chain of extremely successful yogurt shops.
also, unrelated, but everyone in this timeline is an anthropomorphic pig
also, unrelated, but everyone in this timeline is an anthropomorphic pig
May 12, 2024 at 10:58 AM
i live in an alternate reality where Blockbuster pivoted their business strategy before bankruptcy and now they're a chain of extremely successful yogurt shops.
also, unrelated, but everyone in this timeline is an anthropomorphic pig
also, unrelated, but everyone in this timeline is an anthropomorphic pig
[takes out notebook]
[writes down "egg shaped stereo"]
[finds notebook 8 years later and has existential crisis about how only one page has anything on it and it's fucking egg shaped stereo]
that's mindfulness, baby
[writes down "egg shaped stereo"]
[finds notebook 8 years later and has existential crisis about how only one page has anything on it and it's fucking egg shaped stereo]
that's mindfulness, baby
May 12, 2024 at 3:16 AM
[takes out notebook]
[writes down "egg shaped stereo"]
[finds notebook 8 years later and has existential crisis about how only one page has anything on it and it's fucking egg shaped stereo]
that's mindfulness, baby
[writes down "egg shaped stereo"]
[finds notebook 8 years later and has existential crisis about how only one page has anything on it and it's fucking egg shaped stereo]
that's mindfulness, baby
hey, that's Mr. Guy-Who-Adds-Cheese-To-All-His-Meals to you, pal!
May 12, 2024 at 1:25 AM
hey, that's Mr. Guy-Who-Adds-Cheese-To-All-His-Meals to you, pal!
[worker at garden center]: need any help?
[me, who has killed every plant i've owned for the past 20 years]: nope, all good
[me, who has killed every plant i've owned for the past 20 years]: nope, all good
May 11, 2024 at 7:40 PM
[worker at garden center]: need any help?
[me, who has killed every plant i've owned for the past 20 years]: nope, all good
[me, who has killed every plant i've owned for the past 20 years]: nope, all good
"That life is impermanent is what gives it meaning at all," I whisper quietly to myself with tears welling in my eyes as I stare at the bottom of my large fountain cup, only holding a few scattered drops of Baja Blast as turquoise reminders of better times.
May 11, 2024 at 11:34 AM
"That life is impermanent is what gives it meaning at all," I whisper quietly to myself with tears welling in my eyes as I stare at the bottom of my large fountain cup, only holding a few scattered drops of Baja Blast as turquoise reminders of better times.
Boy are you an unfrosted pop tart? Because 70-year-old jerry seinfeld wants to make a boring movie about you
Boy are you an unfrosted pop tart? Because you make me very sad
May 11, 2024 at 12:18 AM
Boy are you an unfrosted pop tart? Because 70-year-old jerry seinfeld wants to make a boring movie about you
[takes 12 b-12 vitamins at once]
ah, b gross
ah, b gross
May 10, 2024 at 4:07 AM
[takes 12 b-12 vitamins at once]
ah, b gross
ah, b gross
"No problem!" I screech through an all-teeth grin as the cashier passively apologizes for slicing off another of my fingers in the till while still failing to make correct change.
May 9, 2024 at 5:47 PM
"No problem!" I screech through an all-teeth grin as the cashier passively apologizes for slicing off another of my fingers in the till while still failing to make correct change.
i heck-yeah-brother'd when i should've no-way-Jose'd
May 9, 2024 at 11:46 AM
i heck-yeah-brother'd when i should've no-way-Jose'd
I get public alerts for my town texted to me; usually they're regular stuff like "Franklin Ave is closed" or "Electricity is out due to a downed tree" etc.
This morning at 4:00am an alert came through but all the text said was "Jimbo will eat your ass if he wants to, sir/madam."
This morning at 4:00am an alert came through but all the text said was "Jimbo will eat your ass if he wants to, sir/madam."
May 8, 2024 at 11:12 AM
I get public alerts for my town texted to me; usually they're regular stuff like "Franklin Ave is closed" or "Electricity is out due to a downed tree" etc.
This morning at 4:00am an alert came through but all the text said was "Jimbo will eat your ass if he wants to, sir/madam."
This morning at 4:00am an alert came through but all the text said was "Jimbo will eat your ass if he wants to, sir/madam."
"Another one, dad?" I ask as we walk to the back of his truck.
"Another one, son," he replies as he slides out the 8-foot-tall novelty toothbrush. I grab the other end and we walk it up the hill to the pile of the rest of them. "One day, this will all be yours," he says to me, tears in his eyes.
"Another one, son," he replies as he slides out the 8-foot-tall novelty toothbrush. I grab the other end and we walk it up the hill to the pile of the rest of them. "One day, this will all be yours," he says to me, tears in his eyes.
May 7, 2024 at 3:08 PM
"Another one, dad?" I ask as we walk to the back of his truck.
"Another one, son," he replies as he slides out the 8-foot-tall novelty toothbrush. I grab the other end and we walk it up the hill to the pile of the rest of them. "One day, this will all be yours," he says to me, tears in his eyes.
"Another one, son," he replies as he slides out the 8-foot-tall novelty toothbrush. I grab the other end and we walk it up the hill to the pile of the rest of them. "One day, this will all be yours," he says to me, tears in his eyes.
me [talking to 12 year old cousin]: no no, i'm not a boomer. i'm a millennial. my dad's a boomer.
cousin [doing something on his phone]
me: so like i was saying--
cousin [plays "Found Out About You" on phone]: okay, if you're not a boomer, don't jam out to this song
me [turning red, gasping]
cousin [doing something on his phone]
me: so like i was saying--
cousin [plays "Found Out About You" on phone]: okay, if you're not a boomer, don't jam out to this song
me [turning red, gasping]
May 7, 2024 at 11:05 AM
me [talking to 12 year old cousin]: no no, i'm not a boomer. i'm a millennial. my dad's a boomer.
cousin [doing something on his phone]
me: so like i was saying--
cousin [plays "Found Out About You" on phone]: okay, if you're not a boomer, don't jam out to this song
me [turning red, gasping]
cousin [doing something on his phone]
me: so like i was saying--
cousin [plays "Found Out About You" on phone]: okay, if you're not a boomer, don't jam out to this song
me [turning red, gasping]