Salmanzo
@shelteredguy.bsky.social
Bears fans are upset. Isn't this the part where some old Uncle shows up to tell everyone all sports are rigged?
January 19, 2026 at 4:52 AM
Bears fans are upset. Isn't this the part where some old Uncle shows up to tell everyone all sports are rigged?
Fairly certain my wife just pulled cake out from under the bed.
January 19, 2026 at 4:06 AM
Fairly certain my wife just pulled cake out from under the bed.
I went to the store today and the cashier was like "I just missed you". I was gonna be like excuse me, I don't think we ever met? But then I realized she was talking to her co-worker.
January 19, 2026 at 1:42 AM
I went to the store today and the cashier was like "I just missed you". I was gonna be like excuse me, I don't think we ever met? But then I realized she was talking to her co-worker.
I was out walking and I saw a Molly Maid car parked on the road. Inside, sitting in the driver's seat, I saw a shady looking man, I think he was drinking coffee? I'm gonna be honest with you all, I did think he was with Molly Maid.
January 17, 2026 at 1:21 PM
I was out walking and I saw a Molly Maid car parked on the road. Inside, sitting in the driver's seat, I saw a shady looking man, I think he was drinking coffee? I'm gonna be honest with you all, I did think he was with Molly Maid.
In the future, will AI be afraid of its jobs being taken by biologically enhanced humans?
January 15, 2026 at 12:15 AM
In the future, will AI be afraid of its jobs being taken by biologically enhanced humans?
From now on asking people "when are you getting married?" is considered sexual harassment. Same with "when are you having kids?"
January 14, 2026 at 5:32 AM
From now on asking people "when are you getting married?" is considered sexual harassment. Same with "when are you having kids?"
Me shopping online: I'll need to go in and see it in person.
Me shopping in person: let's actually just grab food, I can buy that online later.
Me shopping in person: let's actually just grab food, I can buy that online later.
January 12, 2026 at 4:50 AM
Me shopping online: I'll need to go in and see it in person.
Me shopping in person: let's actually just grab food, I can buy that online later.
Me shopping in person: let's actually just grab food, I can buy that online later.
No one hates the Bears more than someone who loves the Bears.
January 11, 2026 at 2:15 AM
No one hates the Bears more than someone who loves the Bears.
January is the Monday of months.
January 10, 2026 at 9:38 PM
January is the Monday of months.
Whenever a woman asks you a question, you have to assume that it's followed by "explain your answer, why or why not".
January 9, 2026 at 5:34 AM
Whenever a woman asks you a question, you have to assume that it's followed by "explain your answer, why or why not".
Sometimes when we go to an Asian restaurant, my wife eats with chopsticks but I still eat with a fork. BUT WE MOVE PAST OUR DIFFERENCES AND MAKE IT WORK!
January 9, 2026 at 3:34 AM
Sometimes when we go to an Asian restaurant, my wife eats with chopsticks but I still eat with a fork. BUT WE MOVE PAST OUR DIFFERENCES AND MAKE IT WORK!
I know Larry David says it's too late to say happy new year but I mean it's only been like a week. Like if you got a new shirt, then a week later it's still a new shirt.
January 8, 2026 at 5:33 AM
I know Larry David says it's too late to say happy new year but I mean it's only been like a week. Like if you got a new shirt, then a week later it's still a new shirt.
Homes need to have a separate thermostat for the bathroom. Gotta keep it a few degrees warmer than the rest of the house.
January 8, 2026 at 3:06 AM
Homes need to have a separate thermostat for the bathroom. Gotta keep it a few degrees warmer than the rest of the house.
Me babysitting*
Parents: we'll pick them up at 7:00.
Me at 7:01:
Parents: we'll pick them up at 7:00.
Me at 7:01:
January 7, 2026 at 3:27 AM
Me babysitting*
Parents: we'll pick them up at 7:00.
Me at 7:01:
Parents: we'll pick them up at 7:00.
Me at 7:01:
Social media makes women look like these soul sucking, gold digging, vampires but it's just not true. Most women are just looking for a nice guy. Yes, they're trapped in this culture which makes them look very materialistic but that's not who they are.
January 6, 2026 at 2:58 PM
Social media makes women look like these soul sucking, gold digging, vampires but it's just not true. Most women are just looking for a nice guy. Yes, they're trapped in this culture which makes them look very materialistic but that's not who they are.
What's next?
A show called Dresses?
The story of a young woman who has a photographic memory and she wants to be a lawyer. It's the tale of her struggle to be a lawyer and also a woman. Her mentor is a guy named Mike Ross.....
A show called Dresses?
The story of a young woman who has a photographic memory and she wants to be a lawyer. It's the tale of her struggle to be a lawyer and also a woman. Her mentor is a guy named Mike Ross.....
January 2, 2026 at 12:51 AM
What's next?
A show called Dresses?
The story of a young woman who has a photographic memory and she wants to be a lawyer. It's the tale of her struggle to be a lawyer and also a woman. Her mentor is a guy named Mike Ross.....
A show called Dresses?
The story of a young woman who has a photographic memory and she wants to be a lawyer. It's the tale of her struggle to be a lawyer and also a woman. Her mentor is a guy named Mike Ross.....
Vecna: I'm gonna to destroy the world
Will: omg what if he tells people I'm gay
Will: omg what if he tells people I'm gay
January 1, 2026 at 6:47 PM
Vecna: I'm gonna to destroy the world
Will: omg what if he tells people I'm gay
Will: omg what if he tells people I'm gay
Before you wanna be friends with me, you should know, I pronounce the "T" in Home Depot.
December 30, 2025 at 11:13 PM
Before you wanna be friends with me, you should know, I pronounce the "T" in Home Depot.
My favorite part of the holiday season is less weekday traffic.
December 30, 2025 at 4:52 PM
My favorite part of the holiday season is less weekday traffic.
Girl overthinking is different than guy overthinking.
Guy overthinking is like: what if, what if, what if.
Girl overthinking is like: why, why, why.
Guy overthinking is like: what if, what if, what if.
Girl overthinking is like: why, why, why.
December 29, 2025 at 4:54 PM
Girl overthinking is different than guy overthinking.
Guy overthinking is like: what if, what if, what if.
Girl overthinking is like: why, why, why.
Guy overthinking is like: what if, what if, what if.
Girl overthinking is like: why, why, why.
Why are women called homewreckers when technically the husband is the one who cheated and wrecked his own home?
December 29, 2025 at 5:34 AM
Why are women called homewreckers when technically the husband is the one who cheated and wrecked his own home?
There are still 3.5 days left to salvage this year!
December 28, 2025 at 5:15 PM
There are still 3.5 days left to salvage this year!
Stop trying to explain it to me, I get it, I just think you're incorrect.
December 28, 2025 at 6:24 AM
Stop trying to explain it to me, I get it, I just think you're incorrect.
Here's the the thing about stranger things ....
Will needs to stop crying, can't they just like relocate him to Florida or something so I don't have to watch him cry for 20 minutes an episode?
Will needs to stop crying, can't they just like relocate him to Florida or something so I don't have to watch him cry for 20 minutes an episode?
December 27, 2025 at 11:55 PM
Here's the the thing about stranger things ....
Will needs to stop crying, can't they just like relocate him to Florida or something so I don't have to watch him cry for 20 minutes an episode?
Will needs to stop crying, can't they just like relocate him to Florida or something so I don't have to watch him cry for 20 minutes an episode?
Can't wake up, my brain thinks it's Sunday.
December 26, 2025 at 2:09 PM
Can't wake up, my brain thinks it's Sunday.