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Shelby Owen-Johnson
@shelbyoj.bsky.social
· Dec 31
My New Year’s resolution is to build powerful haunches that never tire as I traverse vast expanses of challenging terrain.
Influenza has taken up far too many of my between periods days.
January 13, 2026 at 11:45 PM
Influenza has taken up far too many of my between periods days.
I pronounce Dilbert the French way.
January 13, 2026 at 9:45 PM
I pronounce Dilbert the French way.
I have the attachment style one might expect of an individual who was run down and bitten by a swan at age 5.
January 12, 2026 at 11:59 PM
I have the attachment style one might expect of an individual who was run down and bitten by a swan at age 5.
It turns out winter is also a drag.
Summer is real drag for cozy hoes. I’m trying to lurk beneath my layers. I’m trying to disappear within my voluminous garments.
January 12, 2026 at 6:18 PM
It turns out winter is also a drag.
Afterpay is so wild because it’s like saving up for a big purchase except backwards
January 9, 2026 at 7:14 AM
Afterpay is so wild because it’s like saving up for a big purchase except backwards
Reposted by Shelby Owen-Johnson
Scorpio: That pattern you've been noticing is real and it's the key to understanding everything. Of course you'll need to gather a lot more data, so it's imperative that you neglect all relationships and responsibilities. You must focus on the pattern.
January 4, 2026 at 6:06 PM
Scorpio: That pattern you've been noticing is real and it's the key to understanding everything. Of course you'll need to gather a lot more data, so it's imperative that you neglect all relationships and responsibilities. You must focus on the pattern.
New Years Rockin Eve feels fascist to me, idk
January 1, 2026 at 5:24 AM
New Years Rockin Eve feels fascist to me, idk
Instead of a ball drop, I’m counting down to 2026 watching Lost until it disappears from Netflix at midnight.
January 1, 2026 at 5:23 AM
Instead of a ball drop, I’m counting down to 2026 watching Lost until it disappears from Netflix at midnight.
I have never seen an ugly public transit rider.
December 18, 2025 at 11:06 PM
I have never seen an ugly public transit rider.
I have never seen an ugly USPS letter carrier.
December 18, 2025 at 11:06 PM
I have never seen an ugly USPS letter carrier.
Special Agent John Doggett is the stepfather whose presence in my life I deeply resent.
December 18, 2025 at 7:03 PM
Special Agent John Doggett is the stepfather whose presence in my life I deeply resent.
Block an influencer today
December 18, 2025 at 2:38 PM
Block an influencer today
Wisdom teeth are the foreskin of the mouth.
December 16, 2025 at 4:40 PM
Wisdom teeth are the foreskin of the mouth.
Baddies of Twin Peaks, beware! Lorelai Gilmore will become stepmom to your daughter.
December 14, 2025 at 12:09 AM
Baddies of Twin Peaks, beware! Lorelai Gilmore will become stepmom to your daughter.
Due to an unfortunate typo I am now the ward of evil spirits.
December 11, 2025 at 1:49 AM
Due to an unfortunate typo I am now the ward of evil spirits.
A fun video game i like to play is “hide distracting items” on recipe blogs.
December 9, 2025 at 9:53 PM
A fun video game i like to play is “hide distracting items” on recipe blogs.
Errand is a word with overwhelming First Name Energy
December 6, 2025 at 2:12 AM
Errand is a word with overwhelming First Name Energy
Eggnog Targaryen
December 3, 2025 at 5:37 AM
Eggnog Targaryen
I have turned 40 and now find myself yearning for binocular ownership and bird knowledge.
December 1, 2025 at 10:11 PM
I have turned 40 and now find myself yearning for binocular ownership and bird knowledge.
Burned myself on my oven and now I’m experiencing war flashbacks to when I served on the frontlines of the On The Border tortilla machine in 2002.
December 1, 2025 at 10:07 PM
Burned myself on my oven and now I’m experiencing war flashbacks to when I served on the frontlines of the On The Border tortilla machine in 2002.
Living in an apartment building is crazy because you realize most people regularly engage in prolonged shouting at their families, partners, and cohabitants.
November 12, 2025 at 1:48 AM
Living in an apartment building is crazy because you realize most people regularly engage in prolonged shouting at their families, partners, and cohabitants.
If ships are she/her then why do they have boy names 🙁
November 10, 2025 at 5:05 PM
If ships are she/her then why do they have boy names 🙁
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my hyperfixating on the demise of SS Edmund Fitzgerald
November 10, 2025 at 4:18 PM
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my hyperfixating on the demise of SS Edmund Fitzgerald
Menstruating for the full moon as my foremothers intended
November 5, 2025 at 11:38 PM
Menstruating for the full moon as my foremothers intended