E. Balm Swirled
@sheawhitaker.bsky.social
Falling apart most of the time
My primitive brain: we should have a day to just fuck off and eat
Conscious brain: dude, thanksgiving JUST happened
Primitive brain: that’s some old shit I’m hungry now
Conscious brain: dude, thanksgiving JUST happened
Primitive brain: that’s some old shit I’m hungry now
November 30, 2025 at 8:30 PM
My primitive brain: we should have a day to just fuck off and eat
Conscious brain: dude, thanksgiving JUST happened
Primitive brain: that’s some old shit I’m hungry now
Conscious brain: dude, thanksgiving JUST happened
Primitive brain: that’s some old shit I’m hungry now
…sort ofh indeed
November 30, 2025 at 8:18 PM
…sort ofh indeed
Oh hell yes! They finally came out with the unrated version of this that’s PG-13 so my kids can watch it
November 24, 2025 at 4:05 AM
Oh hell yes! They finally came out with the unrated version of this that’s PG-13 so my kids can watch it
Look out celebs, the ass might get humiliated out of you
November 18, 2025 at 3:02 PM
Look out celebs, the ass might get humiliated out of you
“Hi, I’m the guy that said everyone is leaving a city I don’t live in because it’s a cesspool and a war zone due to the socialist policies of the mayor. Well I’m here today to endorse that same mayor because I’m concerned that city I don’t live in will become a cesspool and war zone.”
November 4, 2025 at 9:04 PM
“Hi, I’m the guy that said everyone is leaving a city I don’t live in because it’s a cesspool and a war zone due to the socialist policies of the mayor. Well I’m here today to endorse that same mayor because I’m concerned that city I don’t live in will become a cesspool and war zone.”
I’m beta testing the new GTA and it’s realistic as hell. I’m in self-driving mode and it feels exactly like I’m just sitting here on my phone.
October 25, 2025 at 5:25 PM
I’m beta testing the new GTA and it’s realistic as hell. I’m in self-driving mode and it feels exactly like I’m just sitting here on my phone.
Be careful what you name your child because it will shape what they eventually become. Look no further than Gary Oldman.
October 25, 2025 at 5:11 PM
Be careful what you name your child because it will shape what they eventually become. Look no further than Gary Oldman.
Without looking it up to see if it exists suggest, here’s a kickass idea: A full sized, 80’s era boombox that’s loud as shit and instead of cassettes you put your phone in a little door while it displays video of a Maxell XL II labeled “Last Dragon soundtrack.” Will NOT charge your phone.
October 20, 2025 at 12:20 AM
Without looking it up to see if it exists suggest, here’s a kickass idea: A full sized, 80’s era boombox that’s loud as shit and instead of cassettes you put your phone in a little door while it displays video of a Maxell XL II labeled “Last Dragon soundtrack.” Will NOT charge your phone.
Hey mom, these… these are… Halloween decorations?
“Oh yes, a nice young man named Nick Mullen was selling them door to door.”
“Oh yes, a nice young man named Nick Mullen was selling them door to door.”
October 19, 2025 at 11:57 PM
Hey mom, these… these are… Halloween decorations?
“Oh yes, a nice young man named Nick Mullen was selling them door to door.”
“Oh yes, a nice young man named Nick Mullen was selling them door to door.”
Just heard a 50-something year old man ask for a cup of beer. Fuckin’ millennials.
October 18, 2025 at 2:49 AM
Just heard a 50-something year old man ask for a cup of beer. Fuckin’ millennials.
What’s something funny I could post on here?
October 18, 2025 at 2:28 AM
What’s something funny I could post on here?
I’m not blocking anything because I want one of those low budget news channels to have to show a post in which I claim I can prove the president’s dick is just a cardboard cutout
October 18, 2025 at 12:23 AM
I’m not blocking anything because I want one of those low budget news channels to have to show a post in which I claim I can prove the president’s dick is just a cardboard cutout
See soy boys, fill up on that lady sauce and your bones will break to death
A grain bin filled with soybeans collapsed in Iroquois County, Illinois, taking out power lines but causing no injuries.
October 18, 2025 at 12:12 AM
See soy boys, fill up on that lady sauce and your bones will break to death
I was on a bit of a tool buying streak when I was catching deals on clearance items or bogo promotions but post tariffs the sale price is what the normal price was last year. I guess it’s a small price to pay to bring jobs to the next impoverished country near shipping lanes.
October 15, 2025 at 6:07 PM
I was on a bit of a tool buying streak when I was catching deals on clearance items or bogo promotions but post tariffs the sale price is what the normal price was last year. I guess it’s a small price to pay to bring jobs to the next impoverished country near shipping lanes.
Look out dipshits, my posts are about to be championship level!
October 12, 2025 at 10:46 PM
Look out dipshits, my posts are about to be championship level!
It’s pretty unfair to point fingers at all the comics that participated in an event you disagree with when you have no idea what it’s like to finally be rich enough to call up your bros from high school and give them an honest answer to how much it would take for you to suck a dick.
October 2, 2025 at 8:57 PM
It’s pretty unfair to point fingers at all the comics that participated in an event you disagree with when you have no idea what it’s like to finally be rich enough to call up your bros from high school and give them an honest answer to how much it would take for you to suck a dick.
Leno: “Here’th thomethin, have you theen thith new commerthial for the medical devithe that promitheth to make you thtronger while you thleep?”
Audience: “Noooo! We only watch streaming services!”
Leno: “Well thith ith on YouTube.”
Audience: “It must be specific to your algorithm!”
Audience: “Noooo! We only watch streaming services!”
Leno: “Well thith ith on YouTube.”
Audience: “It must be specific to your algorithm!”
October 2, 2025 at 8:48 PM
Leno: “Here’th thomethin, have you theen thith new commerthial for the medical devithe that promitheth to make you thtronger while you thleep?”
Audience: “Noooo! We only watch streaming services!”
Leno: “Well thith ith on YouTube.”
Audience: “It must be specific to your algorithm!”
Audience: “Noooo! We only watch streaming services!”
Leno: “Well thith ith on YouTube.”
Audience: “It must be specific to your algorithm!”
Remember when everyone freaked out about car size drones over Jersey then the troops flew a helicopter into a plane and everyone was like “fuck them drones.”
September 28, 2025 at 6:47 PM
Remember when everyone freaked out about car size drones over Jersey then the troops flew a helicopter into a plane and everyone was like “fuck them drones.”
Comic as guest on podcast: “Oh man, people are the worst. Ever have to sit on a long flight next to some stupid idiot? I just sit in my hotel room because the only bar in town is full of shitty mouth breathers.”
Comic promoting their new podcast: “I’m a curious person. I find people fascinating.”
Comic promoting their new podcast: “I’m a curious person. I find people fascinating.”
September 26, 2025 at 6:46 PM
Comic as guest on podcast: “Oh man, people are the worst. Ever have to sit on a long flight next to some stupid idiot? I just sit in my hotel room because the only bar in town is full of shitty mouth breathers.”
Comic promoting their new podcast: “I’m a curious person. I find people fascinating.”
Comic promoting their new podcast: “I’m a curious person. I find people fascinating.”
It’s nice to finally have a president that actually cares about our health. We should all walk up escalators with bigass ankle weights.
September 25, 2025 at 1:42 PM
It’s nice to finally have a president that actually cares about our health. We should all walk up escalators with bigass ankle weights.
I feel like we should start pointing out the hypocrisy of the current administration. Also we should note anything that is technically illegal so everyone will know and get mad about it. Once that happens the REAL police will swoop in and arrest them for the crime of being wrong about everything.
September 18, 2025 at 1:34 AM
I feel like we should start pointing out the hypocrisy of the current administration. Also we should note anything that is technically illegal so everyone will know and get mad about it. Once that happens the REAL police will swoop in and arrest them for the crime of being wrong about everything.
Superduper long covid side effects include thinking it’s cool to let some doofus broadcast from his bonus room with a certificate of achievement in the background while speaking as an expert
September 16, 2025 at 11:24 PM
Superduper long covid side effects include thinking it’s cool to let some doofus broadcast from his bonus room with a certificate of achievement in the background while speaking as an expert
Pour one out.
September 16, 2025 at 11:11 PM
Pour one out.
Everyone please stop texting me I’m already on page three of a Cocaine Capybara script.
Pilot dies after plane carrying nearly 200kg of SpaceX-branded cocaine crashes in remote Brazil
Pilot dies after plane carrying 180kg of SpaceX-branded cocaine crashes in Brazil
www.independent.co.uk
September 16, 2025 at 10:25 PM
Everyone please stop texting me I’m already on page three of a Cocaine Capybara script.
“A what? A podcaster?”
- Herman Cain’s family
- Herman Cain’s family
September 16, 2025 at 12:38 AM
“A what? A podcaster?”
- Herman Cain’s family
- Herman Cain’s family