Humphrey Archer
LightNews LightNews
banner
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
Humphrey Archer
@screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
8 followers 0 following 600 posts
60+ three-time immigrant, whose life in Africa, Australia, and America, work with industrial and medical quality & safety, and obsession with mortality data […]

[bridged from https://mastodon.social/@screwturn on the fediverse by https://fed.brid.gy/ ]
Posts Replies Media Videos
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
ok, I need to know more about who would wear these.
Tell me something about what this person is like and what they do for a living, and whether they like coffee or tea, wine or beer
photo of lower legs and shoes. Person is wearing white trousers, and the shoes are a black Mary Jane style but with chunky sloped heels, maybe 2" high, and the sole is a 1" or maybe a little more platform
November 20, 2025 at 4:13 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
Current #wip
Stuart was not a psychopath. You would not have thought so, if you judged him by his behavior at work, but he truly was not a psychopath. Stuart was, as writers of a previous generation might have tagged him, a mild man. He was merely a man who followed instructions as best as he could, and he had been instructed to cut costs at the New Bethlehem Hospital. His evil was his banality, and it would be the death of him.
November 14, 2025 at 4:29 AM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
Hey @alice @h3mmy I have a request.

What is your take on someone who wears what you see here, and what else are they wearing? Who are they? What sort of person? What are they into? What work do they do? Coffee or tea? Beer or wine? etc.
November 6, 2025 at 3:26 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
The correct setting shown here is:

1. New Year celebration
2. Christmas do
3. Halloween
4. May Day
5. Trans-inclusion week
6. Gothaday celebration
7. BDSM appreciation week
8. Wiccan celebration
9. ?
person in fishnet stocking standing facing camera in above-ankle shiny studded stiletto-heel boots, on a wooden floor. Stage left background are some miniature fluffy snowpeople, maybe a tiny tree, and a whit furry head with a red brimless wizard hat whit a white eight-pointed star emblem in front
November 4, 2025 at 3:33 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
My #book sales are "undetectable", and most months I barely earn enough to buy a burger.

There are many possible reasons for this parlous state:

- maybe my #writing is just boring or bad
- maybe I've just not found my market
- maybe doing no marketing or […]

[Original post on mastodon.social]
November 1, 2025 at 5:25 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
The weeks writing group prompt was "delayed messages"
"When Delay Becomes Death" As he parked the morgue truck at the all-night burger joint, the driver was unaware that in the jacket pocket of the body in the back, was a cellphone doing its duty, sending out all the messages that had been queued while it was out of tower range. "Hey guys, you won't believe it. I think that chick from the bar last night is also on the hiking trail. I don't think she recognized me. This should be fun! ;)" "It's definitely her! I'm going to follow her!" "This chick is nuts! She is seriously off the beaten track here" "I lost her! Oh well, heading back to the main path. I knew she was weird." "Getting dark, and I haven't found the main trail yet. No point in going further until light. Weather is fine, and I have a bivvy blanket and snacks." "It's two in the morning. Cold as heck. I thought I heard a noise." "Two-thirty. It's that weird chick. She is chanting out in the dark someplace. WTF?" "I went down to the creek to top up my water and get more firewood. While I was down there, she stole all my stuff! Fucking weird bitch." "Guys if you get this please send a rescue chopper she cut me I cant walk trying to crawl into the bushes to hide please send help please " "Hey guys, so nice meeting you yesterday. I am totally fine with you groping me. I LOVE that stuff. Billy seems tired. Bye! XXX"
October 29, 2025 at 10:09 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
Dick pic
Cartoon of frustrated looking Richard Nixon
October 26, 2025 at 8:13 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
My #writing from yesterday's #writinggroup

Three part prompt
1. "it's been trying to reach me again"
2. "I stay because you called me"
3. "You'll never throw me away"

For people with sight challenges, the text is here […]

[Original post on mastodon.social]
October 24, 2025 at 7:01 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
Hey @autolycos @mcnado

I'm doing a little writing thing called an abecedarian, and I was doing "causes of death"
Do you have any suggestions for the missing letters?
The Abecedarian of Death A is for Asphyxiation, because breath can be short B is for Black Death, and its buboes and blebs Cis for Cyanide, Cyanide, Cyanide, that stealer of air D is for Drowning, when the fluids take your life E is for Electrocution, and that grip on your heart F is for Falls, which garners us with gravity G is for Gangrene, the smelliest of rots H is for Hypothermia, when the world steals your heat I is for Infarction, the blockage of your blood J K is for Kambo, when you die from a frog L M is for Methanol, that blinds and pickles your brain N 0 is for Opioids, that P is for Positional Asphyxia, when lying is death fe} 3 Sis for Sepsis Tis for Tobacco, that carton of cancers u V is for Ventricular fibrillation, when you flutter to death w X Y is for Yentl syndrome, the silent stealer of hearts z
October 16, 2025 at 2:37 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
1. Is is likely a psychopath would self-identify like that
2. how much injury can I expect from freshly brewed coffee in a preheated insulated mug. Let's assume she splashes ~50-75 ml into his shoe
3. ditto injury from ~250 ml in the face
4. Assume she […]

[Original post on mastodon.social]
Brushed Stainless Steel thermos mug. Has a wider mouth than base, and an ergonomic black (plastic?) handle
October 10, 2025 at 7:12 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
#wordweavers 10/1. Tell us what you’re working on now. What’s special about the project?

I recently finished writing a novel tracing the life of a woman who has high-functioning psychopathy, and now swinging back to doing karmaic schadenfreude short stories […]

[Original post on mastodon.social]
The Screw Turns Volume 9 (233-216=17) Status: Building 217. GR: Ball Buster 218. GR: The Owner's Life 219. GR: Myrtle and Mr. Trucknuts 220. GR: On the Wheel of Fortune 221. GR: Erin & Drucilla, and Mr. Sweatyface 222. PW: Shannon 2 Physician 223. GR: The Trans Woman in the Restroom 224. GR: Newt and trouble in the Chute 225. GR: Norbert's Risky Days 226. PW: Shannon 3 Herself 227. GR: The Debater 228. GR: The Raid 229. GR: Beatrix 230. PW sent: The Flying Private Equity Man 231. PW sent: Marty and the Needle 232. PW sent: Ebeneezer Scrooge 233. PW sent: Lilith Dances with the Puca 234. GR writing: Sarah the synesthete 235. GR writing: The Baleful Eye of Boredom 236. GR writing: Jo the Joker 237. GR writing: Herman and the Traps 238. GR writing: The Skin 239. GR writing: Sarah and the Transgressors 240. GR writing: An unfortunate Event in the Kitchen 241. GR Planning: The Scissors 242. GR Planning: The Tower and the Twister 243. GR Planning: The Diagnosis 244. GR Planning: The Birthday 245. title 246. title
October 1, 2025 at 3:58 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
Ok, all my print titles are uploaded to IngramSpark and now waiting on cover art to be refreshed and uploaded.
At that point, it will be seeing what fields their clunky UI will have forgotten, and ordering proofs
IngramSpark dashboard showing all nine titles along with new ISBN numbers
September 16, 2025 at 4:03 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
Ok. AI

There was a professional photographer who did a Youtube on why he thinks Google's Nano Banana AI text-image is now as good as a professional photographer. He uses images of his own hotsauce as examples.

True enough, the LLM now gets writing correct […]

[Original post on mastodon.social]
Please create a 6x9 inch paperback cover at 300 dpi with the front page showing an image of a green-eyed young girl with her black hair in ponytails tied with purple ribbons, and a blank expression reminiscent of a psychopathic mask. The title in blood-red letters should read “The Book of Joy" and the subtitle should read “The Murderous Voyage of the Princess of Darkness" The spine should be 18.85 mm wide, and the back page should have the following text: “Joy Nuntio was never ordinary. As a child, she stared too long, felt too little, and learned too quickly that murder could be a solution. By the time others saw her as a “creepy little darling,” she was already quietly deciding who deserved to live — and who would not.” Eerie image of a Wednesday Adams lookalike pretty much as requested, surrounded by grey backdrop and black images of lifeless trees on the sides. The title is in a font that is dripping, and the subtitle is rendered correctly. All is really good, but the ISBN, back-cover text is pasted at the bottom of the front page
September 11, 2025 at 2:16 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
Just to illustrate something about being an author, and how prices have climbed and where that money goes.

If I set a price of $9.99 US on a book, 55% goes to the reseller - B&N, Amazon, or your local bookstore. Then about $4 gets taken off for printing, and […]

[Original post on mastodon.social]
Screenshot of my cost table for different regions, showing that most of the money goes to the reseller
September 9, 2025 at 3:22 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
Someone bought one of my books this month!
This is my first since migrating from Amazon to Kobo, and it is thrilling

Ok, so I'm not retiring in luxury anytime soon, but still ...
Kobo author's dashboard showing $4.19 in sales for the current month
August 28, 2025 at 2:41 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
Remainder of alt text
When his foot finally popped through the leg-hole, the elastic material gathered the piece of gravel, and propelled it in the manner of a catapult, and it hit him right on the bottom of his left testicle. Unfortunately, the localized impact on the epididymal tail duct caused a spasm in the pampiniform plexus of the venous network surrounding the testicle, and while blood continued to be forced in under pressure, there was simply none of it leaving. The entire scrotum soon resembled a prize purple aubergine that someone had lovingly polished for a showing. To complicate matters, the howling lad also experiend a cascade of vascular events culminating in a quite remarkable priapism. That is to say, he was carried into the local ER sporting an unusually large erection in addition to a taut and puce ballsack. The ER physician had never seen anything quite like it, and summoned help from the on-call urologist, who called a vascular surgeon and the clinical photographer. This is how Herbert became the star of a journal article, and earned the moniker of "ace" among the other scouts.
August 8, 2025 at 4:21 AM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
#amWriting about Herbert.
I probably need something to drink.
Herbert was not the kind of man who should ever go camping in the woods. Or drive a bus. Or operate machinery or power tools. Or anything, actually. He was accident-prone in a way and to a degree that defied understanding or explanation. At thirteen, Herbert had been with his fellows at a Scout camp, and had stepped on a piece of gravel after exiting the outdoor showers. This would not normally be noteworthy, but he then struggled to pull up his underpants because of some combination of wet legs, bad aim, and poor coordination. As he tugged on the slightly misaligned undies, his heel caught on the leg-hole, he stumbled, tugged harder, and began to topple. This too would not be very noteworthy. Who amongst us, indeed, has not staggered around a bathroom on one foot while the other was enmeshed in one's undies? This is, however, where the piece of gravel had an important role to play.
August 8, 2025 at 4:20 AM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
If you like stories with a bit of grim, a touch of macabre, and a lot of fatal misadventure and murder, you might like my "The Screw Turns" or "The Book of Joy" books.

You can read a chapter or two for free at Kobo

1. Navigate to […]

[Original post on mastodon.social]
Screenshot of the Humphrey Archer titles available "The First Book of Joy" is at the top, and currently priced at $5.99 for purchase for the novel "The Screw Turns" is a series of short story collections, and currently priced at $3.99 Detail page for "The First Book of Joy"
August 7, 2025 at 2:53 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
Three prompts from today's writing group

Prompt 1: Keys
Prompt 2: Synesthesia
Prompt 3: Eating
"The Key" My name is Joy, and I killed my father with Mom's styling shears when I was eight. I am good at picking locks, so, the key I want is not going to be for your typical mortice lock. I am very literally-minded, so the key isn't going to be to your heart, or to paradise, or anything like that. No, the key I want is the access code to that investment banker guy's Bitcoin wallet. He has a few million dollars-worth stashed away there, and he is not going to need that in the afterlife. By "afterlife", of course I mean a brass urn. I have a plan that will put him there, but first, I have a plan for his money. Would you like to help? "Synesthesia in the Pulp House." She didn't notice what his words meant, because his voice filled her mind with putrid swirls of bile-yellow. Finding meaning in that thick soup of color was hard, especially when it was hot, and humid on the gantry above the boiler that converted paper pulp into a porridge that could be sprayed into forms. Especially when you had to wear nose plugs, and a face guard, and gloves, and heavy rubber boots, and stiff coveralls. Here above the mixers there was a steady purple murmur of giant blades ploughing thick slop in the mixer vessels. The blue hum of electric motors flowed through the silver din of clanking hoists, and she found them all soothing and harmonious. But here he was with his yellow voice, intruding in her world and tearing the flow, and there was nothing to do but give him a shove, and watch a thin red scream drift up until the mixer got him and plunged his oily voice under the pulp. And then the purple rose again and flowed, and she was happy. ~fin~ Eating is dangerous, and food can kill. You might swallow a button battery, choke on a pretzel, or swig paraffin. But taste can be a clue - the almond flavor of cyanide, the bitter blast of strychnine, or the metallic essence of arsenic. Some are tasteless, and hide their violence in their transparency to the tongue - polonium, botulinum, and aflatoxin. But then there are the princelings of the poison world, the ones that taste like more - Ethylene glycol, lead acetate, and nitrobenzene. But the winner of all, is Le Grand Duc Mancenilliaire, the little apple of temptation. The fruit of the manchineel tree is sweet and fragrant and begs a bite, but will blister the mouth and throat, and stop the heart. Try my apple pie, my darling, and then au revoir, mon amour, adieu, adieu, adieu.
August 6, 2025 at 10:50 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
My transition from Amazon KDP to Kobo is going swimmingly so far
Kobo dashboard showing zero sales for day, week, month
July 28, 2025 at 3:31 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
From today's writing group.

Prompt was "a love letter from the afterlife" in the context of Andrea Gibson's death
"Slap the Widow, Stomp the Mouse" I saw you on that drenching day when the crowds that came for the beer and brats, sought shelter in the tents. When other people dashed for cover, you covered the books on the table opposite the fortune teller. I thought you were hot in bedraggled hair and squelching shoes, and I would have helped you, but I was dead. They let me out sometimes, and I try to find you. Is that creepy? Sometimes I can find a home for a time, mostly in crows. I get to watch you from the telephone lines, or a fence, or sometimes I hop up to you and you feed me. I would thank you, but of course, I'm dead. Once, when you played "Slap the Widow" with your friends, I was there. You came as a goth princess with squeaky shoes, your sister came as a corpse. They toasted you, and lined up, and you danced down their ranks and each slapped you - softly, kindly, and with love. I got too close, and you stepped on my little mouse body. I would have told you how fine you looked and how I miss you, but I was dead.
July 17, 2025 at 2:28 AM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
How my migration from KDP to Kobo is going so far
Author dashboard showing zero sales
July 15, 2025 at 3:00 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
Unpublished all my books on Amazon KDP

I no longer sell my writing through KDP

I now sell my eBooks through Kobo
https://www.kobo.com/us/en/author/humphrey-archer
July 10, 2025 at 3:40 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
Done!
All my fiction books are now migrated to Kobo

https://www.kobo.com/us/en/series/the-screw-turns

I wonder how many defects got included in the move
Kobo writer dashboard showing eight volumes of short story collections
July 8, 2025 at 6:16 PM
screwturn.mastodon.social.ap.brid.gy
Seven books completed their migration from Amazon to Kobo, and one to go.

All my short stories have already moved off Kindle, and my next two books nearing completion will go to Kobo directly
Kobo author dashboard view showing front covers of seven ebooks avaliable, and one in progress
July 8, 2025 at 4:32 AM