I literally recorded a video about where I'm at and how I'm feeling so I don't forget when I get out of this place! I have videos and notes of things I been going through but I never looked at them. I need to look at all the evidence of why I can't go back like why I have to focus with intention!

If I could do it different I would've focused on future me.

situations it's crazy. 🤦🏿‍♀️I literally don't see anything but that, the fact that I have to get through and I guess an end. Not that I don't day dream about my the life I want (now), have desires but it's just a disconnect between what's actually here and the rest.

It's really a fact that I do better when it's just me. I just don't be having the right job to sustain it.

Like one thing I'm definitely doing for my family when I got it like that is a family vacation or paying for this Christmas trip to the cabins that they been tryna do for years 🤦🏿‍♀️.

I miss me when I'm on that. But I just gotta find a way to be able to see it. Cause I know when I'm the best version of me. I just... get too caught up.

I'm not with the feeling of having to convince people to see me, like me, etc. cause I don't even do that in real life.

In summary if I could do anything at all to afford being alive like just let me write. I don't mind being at home, alone, not talking to anybody 24/7. I just want to create the realities I wish to see 😭.

But I'm just going to be grateful because I bought groceries yesterday and get to eat cupcakes tomorrow. Thank you God!