I’ve been so good at like keeping a sleep schedule like I'm supposed to and I'm finally remembering to eat like a normal person and I'm so upset that now because of a show I'm not able to stay asleep and I'm so tired and I wanna cry

I just wanna be able to stay asleep for more than an hour please…

I'm in such a bad place because the place I was going to move has fallen through but I've also already set up everything here to be gone in a couple months so I'm just kinda screwed and have no idea what to do

I feel so cheated and strange because I'm not any less depressed but I DO want to live

the fact it is not even 7pm for me yet feels so unfair

I need this day to be over so bad

I may post this on main because I feel like it could be helpful, in fact I've switched between both accounts about 5 times and typed a version of this trying to decide where to put it

but I wanna walk you through a 5 minute experience I just had that explains my brain pretty well I think

I feel so incredibly stressed about just being social

like I feel so drained and like being on bsky is stressing me out like crazy

I squint my eyes and put my hand over the screen when I open the app to avoid seeing the timeline before I can click on my notifications tab

I still want to die more than anything and I didn't lie when I said I felt better but I also didn't stop feeling bad

I'm still exhausted, I still want to die in January so I just don't have to do anything anymore, so I'm not disappointing to myself or anyone else and I'm a sad story instead

I'm feeling like genuinely a lot better than I was for a few days which is like good but frustrating for me bpvosneng

because literally all I did was just talk to people about it and I feel better and it’s like when I also feel horribly depressed and then sleep like a normal person and it works

I'm in bed and my head hurts and I'm trying so hard to believe in “you just have to do tomorrow, you don't have to do the next 60 years at once, just do tomorrow”

but I don't even want to do tomorrow

I'm feeling better I think but I'm still so freaked out and scared of just everything

part of what makes it all so much more frustrating and angering is that I am angry

me wanting to die, me deciding to die, it isn't like I'm happy about it

I'm angry, I'm furious, I'm screaming at the top of my lungs because I DON’T want to die

I just don't see anything getting better

Everyone should be making AMVs always

I've got to move in like 4 months because of personal reasons, which is a pretty good ways out but I've decided I'm just gonna not

I've thought about suicide every day since I was 7 and there's really no exaggeration in that

and I think I'm just done with kinda everything

I'm moving “soon”

soon is 6 months away but I'm a woman who is constantly saying we’re all dying soon because when it comes it always feels like it went by so fast so everything is soon

and it’s a little exciting to be moving as far from my hometown as I am but also it sucks?

I'm going to bed

I'm tired, my head hurts, I've been crying for an hour, and I just really don't know what to do

I know I shouldn't say all of this out in the open like I am but I don't have anywhere else to say it

I left twitter because like obviously you should leave twitter but that means I also left my little online diary priv account that I liked to scream into

and I've been so bottled up for so long

like 00 believes in violence as part of the path to peace

in order to get there you have to cut through the bad and kill the evil but then once there you have to be able to put down the sword

you have slash through to the future but then also peace cannot be KEPT through force

okay so like I made a thread the other night about my thoughts on 00 where I said that I both believed 00 was a show arguing the importance of stand your ground laws and also that that was equally disingenuous of me to say

I deleted it because I felt mean

but I do think I was like right on now lol

there's like a chance I post this on main tomorrow but I do not think there has ever been a more load bearing single word in all of fiction

I've been so incredibly depressed recently and I just kinda don't know what to do

my irl life is kinda falling apart and I'm just so scared I'm not gonna make it…

m'quve and char