You know what would be an epic movie? Tellitubies vs Barny: A fight to the death

Man, there was a thunder storm last night and HOLY SHIT! It tore the tin roofing off of my house completely and took out the power. It was quite shocking

Christmas is officially over. Next up, the holiday where you stay up till midnight drinking and promising yourself youll do shit we all know we wont ever actually do for more than a week

Its christmas season! Time for my playlist to be nothing but christmas music till April! Mariah Carry's special attack

When we are sad, why do we listen to sad music to get even more sad? Wouldnt we want be blasting happy music to try to lighten the mood?

Do I look good with glasses or no? I look like a high school movie nerd

Politics are stupid to me. I dont know why people get so mad about it. If I wanted to watch old people yell at each other I would host a family reunion or watch one of the seven million housewives shows

Yo, what do you do if you have to take a piss on the side of the road or in the woods and someone starts chasing you while your mid-piss? Do you just piss on them? If your a man do you just dick slap them? Look them in the eyes and go "Ooohh, kinky" and then run?

This is my fatass cat. He likes to snuggle

I am now excepting noods. Please send any spare Ramen you have right this way

I could easily beat Pennywise. Just walk up to him and go "Hey albino Megamind! Give Walter White back his forehead wrinkles! I fucked your mother in your bed! Tim Curry did it better! Your such a pussy that you only hunt kids! Pedo! Wannabe Freddy Kruger!" and then he melts and rip his heart out.

It's christmas season, make sure to check under your beds for Mariah Carry

Goddamn, theyre taking this dude to Arkum asylum! He aint ever escaping!

I just watched the trailer for Superman and it looks amazing. Absolutely badass. But more importantly OH MY GOD THAT DOG IS FUCKING ADORABLE! Cant wait to watch it

Thank god for auto-correct or it would look like these were written by a three year old. Now I'm just waiting for the day that I go to auto-correct something and it just goes "Fuck-you"

Thumb drives never looked this good! With new shockingly good flavors!

I lost $100 on the Tyson vs Paul fight. I cant believe Mike Tyson lost to a guy who stole his outfit from one of the Beetles closets and drove up to the ring in the bad guy from the first Cars movie! Definitely staged. Probably for Mikes safety but still!

Did you know that male and female cardinals look way different? The ladies are a tan color and the dudes are bright red. So in other words, we were all very very wrong. 🏳️‍🌈 Merry Christmas everybody!