i’m like if bobby from company wasn’t going on lots of dates with beautiful women. i’m just a single guy whose friends are all married or in long term relationships

reverse paul be like
The mood is wrong
The spirit’s down
We’re gone today
And its not enough
Complexly having a terrible Fourth of July

blue beer, cold jean, dirt truck, big road… american friday night!

i like watching the mavericks and spending the first quarter going “hey, we could win this, we’re not doing too bad!” and the subsequent 3 quarters going “it’s not going well”

i’m putting all my goofs on bsky now while all my doomer shit goes on twitter like my very own portrait of dorian gray

“join [insert account] on Meta AI!” fuck you. go fuck yourself

i love when an app gives me a popup that says “loving this app? please give us a rating on the app store” no. you are instagram. figure it out

basketball player: where are all my basketballs

guy that is suspiciously shaped like a guy that’s eaten 15 basketballs: whoa i don’t know… that’s crazy… what? your basketballs? gone?

werewolf: there should be more full moons

subway takes guy: 100% disagree

*flirting with mrs claus*

“so, uh, is there a Mr. Claus?”

“Yeah”

the Democratic Party spends each election cycle courting the right, and every time they lose they create a fictional leftist version of the Democratic Party and claim that’s the version that just lost.