It doesn't matter how "used to it" I am. It is just as bad as it was when I was a child, just have a better toolkit to hide it physically

I believe it. 5 long years. A forewarning, that nothing I openly say to almost anyone is worthy of being anything "vulnerable" to me. It is gibberish and means nothing to me, despite it being my life. The true terror that I encompass is something nobody will ever face, lucky for you all

An inviting presence is terrifying. Are you sure you want me to talk? Are you positive? Absolute with your decision to be acquaintances with me, and possibly more? I pointed out the hypocrisy of my surface level obsession with myself, and the shame I hold. I was told it was a result of loneliness

Sorry for the vagueness... This post is about BLANK.

I am so, so tired. I am so tired. I don't think anyone in history has had thanatophobia this badly. It leads to suicidal tendencies, which is completely backwards considering what the fear even is. It is just too strong. It is exhausting to be primally afraid of something so unavoidable

I am "doomed" in many ways. This is something I will have to live with until I BEGRUDGINGLY am no longer living. I will never have a day where my enjoyment of existing doesn't lead to fear. I am unstable despite my excellent composure

I *sometimes* yearn for an embrace, but I backpedal from that very quickly when I remember that I legitimately cannot feel warmth and see another body living without PANICKING. I can't see someone smile and laugh that is dear to me without getting that awful lump in my throat

I hate silence. I hate being in a stasis. I am electricity and I must surge through the world at all times, never ending energy. Rest is for the dead

My muscles keep tensing and shaking so bad as a response
I get this way with PTSD too
But it is just
Thanatophobia
Terrified of the world as a consequence

In any case, I am mourning the fact I will never be a woman let alone a beautiful one. Guhh.

Of course I also feel this way about men, too. I can often times be envious of beautiful men. Beauty in my definition is a little skewed, however. I do not mean "conventional attractiveness" when I say the word "beautiful"

Right now I wish I was a beautiful woman, though. That is not going to happen. My body is too ambiguous and not elegant in the slightest. I look a little childish, but not feminine at all. I am envious of beautiful women

I feel dysphoria in two ways: I am not a beautiful woman, and I am not a beautiful man. I personally deal with both, though the others deal with their own (Ex. Roxanne wishes to be a beautiful woman, Bradley wishes to be a grotesque man, etc)

Anyways. Feeling a bit dysphoric in a twisted way. Maybe I am best defined as being genderfluid despite the fact I do not hold a gender nor any idea of one...

They should not
Even if their blood clots
Leek from their bodies
As they begin to rot