The Police statement said, "we don't know why the victim was assaulted with an abacus, which broke during the attack. It doesn't add up."

I'd forgotten this but in May 2003 I was at Wembley Arena to see Peter Gabriel on his Growing Up tour. He was supported by gospel group The Blind Boys of Alabama.

We were awed into silence. Someone nearby said, "God, they're brilliant" and I said "I know. They did my nan's conservatory."

I know I'm not often worth a response, but can anyone actually see my posts? A quick reply will reassure me. Thank you, chums.

"Alcatraz ready for Sinner."

Autocorrect sometimes nails it.

Fred Dibnah and Wolverine had a child, and called it Guy Martin.

Here's one.

I thought a bottle bank was where you deposited adrenaline.

I'm delighted that, to my knowledge, nobody has referred to our heroic champion dart boy as, "Ladolf Littler".

That'd be awful as he'd have to change his haircut.

I've long been ostracised for saying Sir David Attenborough has played the long-con and has never ventured further than Bracknell.

Now he's jumped the shark with a platter of shite about some "blue-faced, golden-coated snow monkey".

But even here, my victory is hollow.

metro.co.uk/2019/10/19/d...

Poor Olympian Charlotte Dujardin won't be able to compete in horsey events until July after whipping the granny out of one.

But I get a criminal record for injuring a farmer with a crossbow? The Judge declared him, "outstanding in his field", which led to the entire court cracking up.

Yes, I thought of "Wallace & Vomit". Yes, I know about 30,000 people beat me to it.

So I offer "Wallace Simps On" and "Gregg's Bad Taste". If anyone uses these from now on, remember they're mine.

And I'd like to add "Starmer Chameleon" for when he changes colour/eats a fly two feet away etc.

As a seasoned child-owner, I think Australia banning social media for the U16s might have opened a catering-sized Pandora's bucket of earthworms.

Clive James said something like, "Australia isn't a country of prisoners; it's a country of prison officers."

(PS. Buy shares in VPNs.)

I'm new to this platform have sent a few replies, none of which seem to have appeared.

a) is this my fault?

b) or is your cabal of elitist narcissists deliberately stopping me because they know I drowned a hedgehog when I was nine?