This is highly irregular counselor but go off I guess
August 28, 2024 at 10:40 PM
This is highly irregular counselor but go off I guess
Reposted by Jon
Considering adding color to my plumage along with an auspicious dancing manner to attract females of my species.
August 23, 2024 at 9:14 PM
Considering adding color to my plumage along with an auspicious dancing manner to attract females of my species.
[doofus goon] Sayyyyyy, ain't you bodies da ones what used to be saints?
August 26, 2024 at 2:04 AM
[doofus goon] Sayyyyyy, ain't you bodies da ones what used to be saints?
[touring NASA and raising my hand to tell the tour guide every time I already knew something because I heard about it on the news]
August 19, 2024 at 8:50 PM
[touring NASA and raising my hand to tell the tour guide every time I already knew something because I heard about it on the news]
Oh, I should "touch grass?" OK I'm going outside. I'm touching it now. I still hate it out here, what next?
July 29, 2024 at 12:45 AM
Oh, I should "touch grass?" OK I'm going outside. I'm touching it now. I still hate it out here, what next?
THERAPIST: It sounds like it frustrates you when your boyfriend won't stop doing the Austin Powers voice, because you feel patronized
PATIENT: [deciding not to explain their boyfriend *is* Austin Powers] Ohh. Yeah. You are right I bet.
PATIENT: [deciding not to explain their boyfriend *is* Austin Powers] Ohh. Yeah. You are right I bet.
July 24, 2024 at 1:48 AM
THERAPIST: It sounds like it frustrates you when your boyfriend won't stop doing the Austin Powers voice, because you feel patronized
PATIENT: [deciding not to explain their boyfriend *is* Austin Powers] Ohh. Yeah. You are right I bet.
PATIENT: [deciding not to explain their boyfriend *is* Austin Powers] Ohh. Yeah. You are right I bet.
"Oooooooooooooohhhhh." - [realizing Jadakiss and Jay Duplass are two different people]
July 15, 2024 at 3:29 AM
"Oooooooooooooohhhhh." - [realizing Jadakiss and Jay Duplass are two different people]
Dr. Quinn, are you trying to medice me?
July 7, 2024 at 2:51 AM
Dr. Quinn, are you trying to medice me?
I am more scared of the mighty skunk than any other beast
July 3, 2024 at 9:28 PM
I am more scared of the mighty skunk than any other beast
[Reading the About section on Criterion's website] Nobody can accuse these guys of not treasuring films
June 24, 2024 at 3:03 AM
[Reading the About section on Criterion's website] Nobody can accuse these guys of not treasuring films
[Leaving restroom] It's like a ministry of ungentlemanly warfare in there
June 20, 2024 at 2:00 AM
[Leaving restroom] It's like a ministry of ungentlemanly warfare in there
Reposted by Jon
My new car has a rear camera, the resolution is impressive, you can really see the terror in people’s faces.
June 13, 2024 at 4:20 PM
My new car has a rear camera, the resolution is impressive, you can really see the terror in people’s faces.
[Jiminy Glick voice] I saw the TV gloooooow
June 15, 2024 at 3:00 PM
[Jiminy Glick voice] I saw the TV gloooooow
It's weird how Subway smells like disgusting sandwiches but Subway in Wal-Mart smells like the rotting death of a mutant beast that never should have been allowed to live
June 12, 2024 at 1:57 AM
It's weird how Subway smells like disgusting sandwiches but Subway in Wal-Mart smells like the rotting death of a mutant beast that never should have been allowed to live
Sure, I'll sing the national anthem at a sporting event. I'll sing it loud and proud. Just one catch--I'm singing it for the entire duration of every replay review.
June 11, 2024 at 12:44 AM
Sure, I'll sing the national anthem at a sporting event. I'll sing it loud and proud. Just one catch--I'm singing it for the entire duration of every replay review.
[Hearing "exoskeletons"] You're saying eggs of skeletons?
June 9, 2024 at 1:04 AM
[Hearing "exoskeletons"] You're saying eggs of skeletons?
[Stranded with a broken down rental car in a tractor supply company parking lot in clarion pennsylvania googling "which restaurants near me have the most michelin stars"]
May 31, 2024 at 7:55 PM
[Stranded with a broken down rental car in a tractor supply company parking lot in clarion pennsylvania googling "which restaurants near me have the most michelin stars"]
Reposted by Jon
Yet to hear a factoid that does not share all the same distinguishing features of a fact
May 20, 2024 at 1:53 AM
Yet to hear a factoid that does not share all the same distinguishing features of a fact
Animal buyproduct? With what money?? Animal try coming back after get job!
May 18, 2024 at 10:24 PM
Animal buyproduct? With what money?? Animal try coming back after get job!
Aside from that Mr. Lincoln, how would you rate your experience Responses submitted with a valid email address will be entered into a drawing for a $50 gift card
May 18, 2024 at 8:06 PM
Aside from that Mr. Lincoln, how would you rate your experience Responses submitted with a valid email address will be entered into a drawing for a $50 gift card
COMEDIAN: You ever wonder why they call them "air bags?"
HECKLER: They are air filled bags
COMEDIAN: Hey, whoa, do I come down to the car factory where you work and tell you how to ummmm
HECKLER: Build cars
HECKLER: They are air filled bags
COMEDIAN: Hey, whoa, do I come down to the car factory where you work and tell you how to ummmm
HECKLER: Build cars
May 12, 2024 at 2:23 AM
COMEDIAN: You ever wonder why they call them "air bags?"
HECKLER: They are air filled bags
COMEDIAN: Hey, whoa, do I come down to the car factory where you work and tell you how to ummmm
HECKLER: Build cars
HECKLER: They are air filled bags
COMEDIAN: Hey, whoa, do I come down to the car factory where you work and tell you how to ummmm
HECKLER: Build cars
I love shopping in places where haggling is expected, I have a perfect technique. I never haggle the price. You want $25? Perfect. Sold.
What I *will* haggle is the item. My opening offer is a 2015 Jetta.
What I *will* haggle is the item. My opening offer is a 2015 Jetta.
May 10, 2024 at 8:53 PM
I love shopping in places where haggling is expected, I have a perfect technique. I never haggle the price. You want $25? Perfect. Sold.
What I *will* haggle is the item. My opening offer is a 2015 Jetta.
What I *will* haggle is the item. My opening offer is a 2015 Jetta.
Waking up at 2AM fumbling for my bedside notepad:
Young Sheldon hates his mom's boyfriend and uses geometry to defeat him
Young Sheldon hates his mom's boyfriend and uses geometry to defeat him
May 8, 2024 at 11:08 PM
Waking up at 2AM fumbling for my bedside notepad:
Young Sheldon hates his mom's boyfriend and uses geometry to defeat him
Young Sheldon hates his mom's boyfriend and uses geometry to defeat him
[Consoling my college roommate whose first job out of school was engineering the Titanic:] Damn, no way bro. That bites! And it was her *maiden* voyage?
May 4, 2024 at 6:51 PM
[Consoling my college roommate whose first job out of school was engineering the Titanic:] Damn, no way bro. That bites! And it was her *maiden* voyage?