i was just panicking. please don't worry about this. it does suck that things like this ALWAYS happen on christmas though. i haven't had a christmas where nothing went wrong since 2020

i don't mind AT ALL. i just wonder why. i guess it doesn't really matter why. what matters is that i know i make those people VERY happy, and that makes me very happy. making people happy is my favorite thing to do, after all ❤️

ugh... i'm just making it worse for myself at this point. i wish i could accept that there was nothing i could do and this is the way that i am. i just hate looking back at all the stuff i could've done, or could've been a part of if i was just born earlier...

the worst part is knowing that my parents tried to have a baby for about 5 years before my mother finally got pregnant with me. even 5 extra years would've made me happier. at the same time, if it did happen 5 years earlier, that probably wouldn't have been ME, and i wouldn't have ever existed

something else that has been keeping me down for a few days now is that my dog might have cancer, and we were told to prepare ourselves for her to leave us. this has been destroying me recently. i'm not ready. she has been there for more than half my life, and has helped me so much

i have to keep telling myself that this isn't going to happen, and that everything will be ok. these are just thoughts and nothing more. i love my friends so much, and i know they feel the same way about me ❤️

the things that happened last night made me imagine that in great detail, and i was SOBBING. i can't stand those thoughts. my friends are everything to me. those thoughts wouldn't go away, and they still won't. when i close my eyes, i see those thoughts, and that's why i had a hard time sleeping

but that, them both getting calls and leaving at the same time, combined with the thoughts of him and what he did, made me think the worst. i live in constant fear that i will suddenly lose all my friends and have no one because of him.

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then out of nowhere, both friends in the call i'm in get calls from other friends, which i'm not complaining about at all. i want them to be able to talk to everyone they know. it makes me happy knowing they're talking to other people and making them happy.

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what caused this? what caused me to feel this way last night? in a call last night, we were talking about him, and when i think of him, i think of what he did to me in december, so i was already thinking things i didn't want to

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i probably slept for like 3 or 4 hours, still afraid to close my eyes. this is all his fault. he destroyed me back then. he made me worry about something that isn't going to happen, and i haven't stopped worrying since. he made my constant anxiety worse than it already was

it took me almost 3 hours to fall asleep, and it didn't make me feel better. i only slept for 4 hours

i NEED to say something, because it hurts so much, but i just can't make myself do it... even my mother, who i know would accept me and love me for who i am, i just can't bring myself to tell her. what do i do...? how do i get myself to do this...? how do i get it over with? i can't take it anymore

it's like any time i leave my room, any time i see myself in the mirror, any time i hear or see my original name, it's the worst feeling ever. all of which i used to not really mind until very recently