also the fact that some of this stuff does make reeeeeally good fic insp. but i'm not sure how well a lot of it fits the dynamics i'm working with most of the time.. maybe i need to slightly revise how i write one of my mains. go back to the source material and do some analysis or smth hdfkjghd

always try not to read anything on there. just open the page, avert my eyes, scroll to the bottom, write the thoughts down as they come, close the page and never acknowledge it again. unless i'm feeling particularly masochistic and read every entry one by one as my soul leaves my body

sweating and shaking as i describe the concept of a ******* **** to my friend in just enough detail to get the idea across without getting really fucking graphic and/or straying too far out of my comfort zone. anyway. oh it's so fucking fun to talk about this stuff i really did miss it

but you didn't hear that from me

perhaps adultery.... was not the correct choice of words here dhfgkhdfjg well hey it didn't happen!! needless to say i'm relieved!! good fucking lord i meant infidelity. my invisible "i do not condone infidelity" sign that's hanging around my neck at all times

sighs wistfully. what even was that

also hit me like yesterday that this is smth i've wanted for literally years but didn't know it existed til a while ago so honestly i really DO deserve it. i am gonna be absolutely frothing at the mouth til this thing gets here tbh dfhgjdfhg which will be.. maybe monday at the latest? please? fdjkgh

really not beating the allegations though i guess

this guy basically hasn't shown up in years and now he's back and picks up on my gender stuff immediately without anyone explaining it and he's already giving me this much gender affirmation it's fucking awesome

also i'm gonna check out tk maxx as usual and just pray there's smth good in there hdfkghd if not there's a pavers nearby that might have a wide fit section so i'll check that out. worst case scenario is m&s which is good quality and has its own wide fit section, but more expensive than i'd like..

i guess if anything if i find a nice pair that actually fits i can give my TWO other pairs that don't fit to my mum or sibling and they can sell them and give me the money back. like they're good shoes, not too worn, surely i could get a good £50 or more for them

also i've got other stuff to sort out atm.. need to go shoe shopping this week which is gonna suck as usual bc i have stupid wide feet that don't fit most shoes so i might have to settle for a style i don't love.. in which case i cannot spend too much on them. augh. fucking hate shoe shopping

like. i want a thing, it's honestly a really good value for money, i would use said thing a lot and it would last a long time.. but without the income source it's really hard to justify it even if it would probably bring me a lot of joy.. augh. i'll spend some more time thinking about it

just to cover basic stuff like food shopping. i feel like i have got to hold on to every single penny i save because i'll need it some day, or something. and i don't know how to get over it. i mean i know right now i DO need to be more careful with spending my money, but when it's at the point of

like it's that. so much. my entire life i've been scared of spending money because of not having a source of income, just life savings, but growing up with not a ton of financial stability.. as in like. my mum would very frequently need to borrow money bc i saved everything while she couldn't

i want nice things and for a little while i could HAVE nice things and like i haven't really made any significant changes to things since losing my job except no longer spending money on hobbies or anything.. not that i was buying much at all before. i don't know. spending money is scary again

(with lots of convincing from a friend of course) but now i'm genuinely scared to get myself literally anything. i know i have a lifetime of savings to use and this one thing i have my eye on right now would cost only 0.005% of my life savings (it's literally £45) but. i'm scaaaared