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October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

180 followers 1.2K following 340 posts

Big cat that gets bigger

Pfp by @seethiur.art

27/Genderfluid(He/They)/🔞 18+ ONLY

♥️ @itscrush.bsky.social

☕ https://ko-fi.com/octoberscream

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October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

Shiny haul from yesterday. I can finally die happy now that I've found some shiny Sprigatito TwT

December 7, 2025 at 6:56 PM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

(2/2)

It caused me to wall myself in. All the advice my boyfriend would give was just shot down with past traumas or my developed anxieties. I wished that I could have found hope in his words at the time, but those were the only responses I could find with my nose buried in the dirt. The lack of socialization I let myself fall into caused me to feel more abandoned than ever. Every little bad thing that happened in the past all stuck to me again as they were the last moments I had with friends. I couldn't remember any of the good times and clamped onto the awful times even harder. Any recent attempts I was successfully able to try and mingle suddenly meant nothing anymore. The final straw though after three unsuccessful meeting dates with my vocational counselor to discuss job placement that I was ready for at the times given, followed by the news of my boyfriend not getting his PTO approved for the Christmas trip we planned, then followed by a friend who didn't respond back after pushing off playing some games with me after promising two days in a row.

I held onto that pain. It was familiar to me. The world wasn't going to treat me any better, so why was I even trying? I just felt empty. I eventually just ended up either sitting around silently or rotting away in bed. I couldn't even get myself to bother eating anything. I asked why I was even bothering trying to get a job if these services can't even help me get into one. Why did I try doing things with friends when I don't get a response back to anything or if everyone else is already nose deep in the next trend game I can't afford? Why was I going to go up on vacation if I am just going to be alone 90% of the time? Every question didn't have an answer that I wanted, but I accepted them to heart because for the last two months there wasn't another voice to answer otherwise.

I felt abandoned. Very few people had reached out to me. Those that used to be around every weekend suddenly were nonexistent. No one invited me to do things despite masking my depression.

I felt hopeless. My invitations or extensions to others were either turned down or pushed away. Friends that I wanted to chat with were telling me they would rather be alone for the time being.

I felt lost. One day I was happy-go-lucky with or without my friends around, the next I forgot how to say hello to someone. The times I did get to play a game with a group I was bitched at for doing it "differently" and then ignored later the same day.

I cried every day after that. I wanted to just feel happy again. I hated how empty I felt, but nothing was giving me joy or hope. I wanted to feel that I could find something in myself worth getting up for. I wanted to lose the grief inside of me so I could join my friends again with a smile. But I couldn't do anything.

I believed that I would never truly feel happy again. I believed I would never get to make another friend. I told myself that I was just a number to all my previous friends. I just wanted the pain to be over. I wanted ANYTHING good to happen. I wanted someone, ANYONE, to just reach out and ask if I was okay. But nobody came.

In the span of three days I had lost nearly all hope all because of three poorly timed inconsequential problems. It wasn't normal, but I already knew that. I didn't know how to get out though. I could only pick myself up to the same blank walls or more dirt in my eyes so many times when I've already been at my lowest since January. I could only let all the last words of previous friends echo in my head reminding me why I'm in this situation in the first place. I gripped onto every poor social experience I've ever had to deal with and remembered the corners I was pushed into by those people. I clenched onto the blame that others shot at me for my inability to be rational in the way they want me to. I wept about all the assholes that beat me and left me for dead only to then go on with their own lives without consideration for how they have ruined my perception of my own. I was stuck on all of my unanswered questions once again all because I couldn't react rationally.

I don't want to clench onto these feelings though. I want to move on and drain these negative emotions away. I want to reach out to my friends again and not have to make them worried by my reactions. Though I don't have a lot of voices telling me things will get better, I still have some that are there; my boyfriend has been my biggest supporter through this whole year. I honestly don't think I would have been able to get out of my own head or have known how to go on after all the crying without him.

Despite everything that's occurred to me, I will not let all the pits in my life change who I am. Even if it still seems shitty, things have been getting better. My boyfriend and I have our own place with flaws, but we have each other to deal with them. Our cat has been much happier in the new place. My surgical wounds did eventually heal without any complications and my shoulder doesn't have any injuries requiring its own surgery after going through an MRI. The only thing that's been missing has just been others to share about all the ups with.

I want to go forward knowing that even though life will be rough, as long as I wipe my tears away and calm myself down I'm allowed to go and talk to my friends. I'm going to find an outlet that will let me express or handle my emotions more calmly instead of bottling it up. I want to get back out there and try to make some new friends while also getting back in touch with old friends I've neglected to talk to. I'm going to work on being more patient with myself and not jumping to assumptions frequently the moment something bad occurs.

It'll take some time for me still as I have to continue collecting the pieces, but I promise I'm still trying. All I ask for from my friends is some patience; I will reach out when I feel ready.

December 5, 2025 at 11:51 PM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

I feel like I have to lay all this out here after the last couple of days. Whether others saw my spiral live or not, it still left me feeling like there was shit I never said. (1/2)

When you're autistic and have severe social anxiety it can be difficult to know how to talk with people. When your interpretations of how to act around people are all based around past trauma it can only hurt yourself more than when the original incident(s) occured. For the last four days I had been waking up feeling empty inside. When I did feel emotions it was only negativity. I cried 3-6 times per day. Despite finally finishing trade school, despite getting help to come up and see my family and friends for Christmas, everything that I had succeeded with in the past, it all just didn't matter anymore. I had disabled my FA and Bsky accounts. I unfriended people and left a lot of servers on Discord. Not only did I feel like nothing mattered anymore, I felt that I didn't matter to anyone else.

For the last year I have felt like I had nothing I can bring anymore. It felt as if no one wanted to see me on VRChat. Not only that - my friends were all splitting into different servers, some friends have decided that I'm too much baggage and left me alone, and I've felt a massive disconnection from the furry community due to not being able to afford comms. The stress of real life made it hard to want to go online and see others showing off all the things they've gotten when I'm barely scraping money for essentials. There were a lot of moments I just couldn't feel anything when someone showed off yet another commission, I even grew envious of the gift art and comms my boyfriend was receiving. I didn't have many friends that I felt I could talk to because some of them were asking to be left alone while dealing with their own shit or just as much of an emotional wreck as I am. I started trying to deal with issues myself, hoping I could become better for others. All the while I was unaware of how much every little thing would start to hurt me after doing that.

Before I had my boyfriend to help me collect my thoughts, for the last decade I've tried my hardest to keep myself happy. My family didn't really ever know what I did online outside of rhythm games and FGC. Before I attempted college I did not have many peers to go to anymore due to finishing high school online pre-Zoom/COVID era. There were many downs before then from Kindergarten all the way up until I started to attend community college; from teachers refusing to follow education assistance plans causing me to swap elementary schools each grade to being called homosexual derogatories by people I once saw as friends. Past college I had to deal with harassment from artists, cheating cliques at out-of-state FGC tournaments, and other community bullies wherever I was. Every time it felt like me vs the world as I would have to take the blows at face value with what little social understanding I had. Every bad social interaction where I had to defend myself shaped how I would handle every negative interaction in the future; if I was being harassed or attacked I had to fight by myself while the others had peers backing them up.

The past two months have only been one chapter of this horrendous year. Right after I had spent weeks recovering post-op and feeling closer to being fully self-capable my shoulder had decided to spasm. I was back to being incapable but this time down my dominant arm. I was previously looking forward to getting to play games with friends again because I couldn't comfortably sit down at my desk for long due to the surgery, but after the shoulder pain started those thoughts quickly faded away and instantly got covered in despair. I was so close to being ready to do something again and now I couldn't do even more of the things I liked. I didn't feel like I could reach out to my friends and just chat with them because for the last five years I've led myself to believe that I have to be happy before I'm allowed to be around my friends. I didn't want to step on people's toes for "being too sad" yet again. I didn't want to bring up my own issues with friends or peers because I didn't want to scare away what little I had left.
Before I even had my surgery scheduled I was still living with the anxiety and sadness of not feeling like I can start a conversation anymore, or ask someone if they would just want to hangout and vibe. I was led to believe that I didn't deserve their time because my negativity was radiating even when I wasn't venting.

I tried talking inside servers again after my surgery, I also tried talking with friends again over DMs, but nothing I did felt right. It felt like the responses I would receive back were being reduced. I would be trying to do my own thing while I waited, but my anxiety would take over and I would just wonder when someone would reply back or send anything but porn. It became wondering when someone would come and check on me as the weeks without messages turned into a month, then months. I was asking myself what people saw in me; what do I bring to friendships; how can I get the confidence to keep giving and receiving nothing back? It became a mountain of envy and jealousy as I saw friends and peers doing things with each other still or talking with my boyfriend and leaving me aside while I rotted away in bed, growing further as I saw friends who once made excuses on why they can't hangout now have all the availability in the world for everyone else. What could I have even asked to do when I couldn't sit at my PC for more than 30 minutes or use my bad arm for anything? What do I have that I can discuss about that isn't just the world and others kicking dirt into my face? How do I make friends again?

December 5, 2025 at 11:51 PM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

Found an alpha Fennekin finally in ZA

God, why can't Pokemon be real ;w;

November 5, 2025 at 10:19 PM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

Sometimes I die in Peak because I underestimate how much stamina I have or end up in a crappy position

Then I play with friends and only die because of them :)

September 22, 2025 at 8:44 PM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

It's been a while since I've participated in one of these, why not 👀

August 25, 2025 at 7:12 AM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

That's actually what I've used my picks for ever since I sold my guitar lol

These are from that same pack of picks I bought over a decade ago

June 24, 2025 at 9:23 PM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

I've peaked :3

June 24, 2025 at 9:12 PM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

Welp, our cat has graced us with knowledge of a worse bug problem than we were expecting. After I killed it and discarded it she came back looking for it.

May 23, 2025 at 12:03 AM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

Almost transferred this thinking it was a regular grimer until it asked me if I was sure I wanted to transfer a shiny lol

March 14, 2025 at 6:19 PM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

Figure I'll try actually sharing more cooking here since I've been trying to get into making more than just roasted chicken with a vegetable on the side. Tonight I instead made Crush and I some chicken-chili casserole!

March 11, 2025 at 4:28 AM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

#zangooseday And last but not least some absurdly-sized Zang~

Artist: saintdraconis FA @saintdraconis.bsky.social

Artist: PakaProductions FA @madamepersia.bsky.social

March 10, 2025 at 2:52 AM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

#zangooseday and a couple of silly and absurd shapes >:3c

Artist: N/A (Haven't been able to find them since Twitter. Please reach out to me if you're still out there so I can properly credit ;w;)

March 10, 2025 at 2:48 AM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

#zangooseday a couple of the spicy "outfits"

Artist: @trippershibber.bsky.social Doctor-Robert FA

March 10, 2025 at 2:48 AM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

#zangooseday some of the popping/implied popping scenarios :3c

Artist: @finalcord.bsky.social Finalcord FA

1/2 Artist: @trippershibber.bsky.social Doctor-Robert FA

2/2 Artist: @trippershibber.bsky.social Doctor-Robert FA

March 9, 2025 at 9:33 PM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

#zangooseday slowly getting to the spicier reposts, lol

Artist: @bellydog793.bsky.social, Bellydog FA

March 9, 2025 at 9:33 PM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

Time to continue some #zangooseday posting

Artist: @rattiesteps.bsky.social Maddeku FA

March 9, 2025 at 9:33 PM

October Scream

@octoberscream.bsky.social

Honestly almost forgot about #zangooseday this year. It's been a rough couple of months, but I finally have an excuse to repost some old commissions of my Zang here

Artists will be in the alt text