for now i've gotta just keep focusing on remaining as stable as possible even if it feels like my life is still falling apart at the same time

i'm still not sure if i'm ever gonna feel up to truly existing here again though, i don't want that discomfort over being disliked and not fitting in anywhere to keep haunting me and that's unfortunately all social media tends to do for me in recent years

a lot of things still fucking suck and my thoughts from 2ish weeks ago are very much still there but i'm not quite spiraling out of control constantly the way i was at that point

doubt anyone will be hearing anything from me again anytime soon, its apparently just still safer if i isolate

as of now i just think i'll only really come back if i find a way to truly rebrand but that's still not viable with the risk of game spoilers being a thing so idk. i'll figure something out ig

also should throw it out there that i don't blame anyone for this bc im always the one saying i cant handle genuine friendship rn so why Would anyone want to engage with someone like that

posting this all while i know nobody is even around is probably also just really stupid and like im self sabotaging trying to validate my negative thoughts but. so be it lol

my sense of self worth is also in the gutter at this point and being here like this while im genuinely convinced that nobody in my life actually likes me is just doing more harm than good i think

i still don't know what to do bc i have some bizarre attachment to this account but it also still just makes me miserable sitting in my own corner watching everyone else interact with each other

i think the moment i dropped enst i lost any shot of connecting here, or maybe i'm just the problem idek at this point

ik i vent a lot but even when i try to talk about things i Like right now it goes nowhere because my like. 5 whole followers don't care about those interests anyway. and obviously nobody wants to deal with the alternative of me Only using this account for venting

it's hard though bc i am So prone to being a lurker bc of anxiety. so when i find the courage to actually try to be involved and Still get ignored it's just really discouraging and confirms my feelings that im worthless to people

im on track to spiraling back toward thinking i dont belong on the internet bc nobody will ever care or wanna hear from me lmao

i'm kinda excited but i'll also miss the current cast since i've grown attached but. if i could get attached to the second subseries characters after being attached during the First subseries i should be fine lol

my downfall is that i don't vibe with general fandom behavior so i don't engage with most people that are heavily into fandom humor and slang. mostly bc at my age it sounds childish to me. but then im also too weird for the people that Don't act like that. bc ig im still childish myself in some ways

i've been doing better mostly solitary lately but i Know i need actually healthier relationships with other people, but i Cannot talk one on one with people and it's so hard to insert myself in established groups. especially when i'm admittedly particular and most people piss me off

and apparently when i Do put myself out there in group settings to try to connect and better myself in that way, people just blindly hate me anyway

i'm having a great time with my gaming lately but it's 100% escapism bc i'm painfully aware that every other aspect of my life is actively falling apart still