the idea of outright asking is actually horrifying though

god... I'm so tired of being worried and upset and scared and anxious. holy shit

I don't even want to think about the game anymore. like I enjoy thinking about it but I just feel like I don't deserve to after everything I've done

kinda wish I could just... disappear

she's a friend but honestly? how do I know she doesn't fucking hate me and is just too polite to turn me away

haha...

note to self x2 take the bp med before session. I might just have to drug myself to not be a fucking ass

note to self: probably tell therapist about how these things make me wanna beat my fuckin skull in

man... she's probably not talking to me because I am an asshole
ahhh......

it probably stems from the fear of being called stupid
or feeling stupid
should I worry about that shit? hell no
so why am I...

why the fuck am I like this! Why do I feel the stupid ass need to be 'right'??? aauuughhhh

trying not to let it get to me
only one person actually had malicious intent, so it's not like I'm being ganged up personally

though it still sucks.

I just think that this little plot drama thing didn't go nearly as smoothly as the gm was confident about

sigh
session's over and my baby girl is fine. everything is fine.

I think, just to write out why that specificly annoys me:

"Oh, so pvp is acceptable when you can outright kill my character but it wasn't alright before when you couldn't? ok"

Nevermind that I said my character never would kill
But in this situation you're all for it

ok