if the friends I meet irl were as good as ppl I've met on the internet the world would be 4x better. people just aren't themselves off the computer, look at me typing this, you think I talk like this irl? no one would be around me. I say stuff here because whenever I go out these words will matter.

if someone I know reads this I'm sure it'll be after I go out, I have some internet friends and some ppl I like chillin and playing games with on discord but they don't make me write differently. I'm sorry you ppl even get me on your timeline, truly hope you enjoy your lives, best of luck. luv u.

all that wasted time dawns on me at times like these because when the night falls all I have left is me, and this is what goes through my head when sleep gives up on me. bad thoughts, bad feelings, bad dreams, bad nightmares, bad wants, bad needs, it's all so bad. don't waste your time, live or die.

9 years of silent pain and agony, 9 years of ignorance and arrogance, 9 years of realizing I will never find purpose ever again. all I do is distract myself with whatever I find entertaining be it human interaction, games, videos or whatever it is I end up wasting all this time I don't deserve with.

sorry for the language but I'm truly just too much of a pussy to tell anyone how bad I want this to end, how much I love them, how much I miss how things used to be, how horrible everything feels and how disgusting I truly am. if I ever end up letting go and any of u see this please make a decision.

I will never truly be anything, I'll never be happy as I always crave for more, I will never be sad as it's truly all in my head, my surroundings aren't at fault, I will never be loved as I never show who "I" really is, I exist in a husk that speaks in lies, a husk that'll never tell the full story.

I'm selfish for that and I'm selfish for a lot more, I don't deserve to live a good life and I accept it, not everyone deserves that. I almost let go 9 years ago, in these 9 years I've had time to think, time to act, time to live. I didn't think enough, I acted in bad ways that pushed me here today.

one of the only things I know is that what we call "living life" just isn't a real thing. love isn't real, if I ever meet that person I dream of I will weigh them down and I'll know it, whatever happens will be my fault and I know it, things ending is something I can't live with, I'd let go before.

I'm sad some people that follow me have to read this and I really hope they get to enjoy the things I can't. if I end up coming back from that place alive, everything will be the same as it is now, I'll still be lost, hating myself. I'll just be chasing a reason that'll push me to finally let go.

maybe I should think about *when* to think about some stuff, at the current moment I'd say thinking in present is more important, it won't drive me crazy like some other options due to the sheer simplicity of it; what "the present" really is is just me writing dumb stuff I'll regret writing on a pc.