Is it most pathetic that I’m in the gym lifting weights and crying or that at a time when I feel the world is falling down I’m in a gym lifting weights?

The idea that someone will see me weeping is really ramping up the shame!

It’s weird that you can live a “normal” life and then some days your head just screams at you to be dead.

I tend to do a decent job of hiding from the world just how much I hate myself. But maybe everyone does.

Things have gone up a few notches. Leaving home today thinking I might not be back, and it’s gut wrenchingly sad. All the sleeping people upstairs that I said goodnight to with no sense of the significance

I am not a good person

Small things, like walking past a shop advertising that they would buy something precious to me, thinking I could sell that so my family will have some extra money when I’m gone.

Then beating myself up for not doing it

Then beating myself up for thinking it

I was huffing and puffing walking around today and my wife said

“You seem to find existing quite difficult”

And I hope she doesn’t find out how true that is.

Planning for weeks ahead. On the weekend it seemed pointless to brush my teeth that day.

Has anyone been to an Andy’s Man Club?

What’s it like?

How confidential is it?

#suicide #malesuicide

Today I’ve done the most preparation to be dead ever and noticed the urges are the lowest they’ve been for the past few days.

Making plans for weeks ahead when it all seemed so pointless yesterday.

Another subscription cancelled. All the business invoices done and…a bit of light. A bit less pressure.

A that’s partly due to a bit less of the relentless message that I’m awful and maybe because “I could” go now, the need has calmed down a bit.

While one of the hooks is “but I couldn’t leave them” this is undermined by the rampant narcissism that suggests I’m a positive in their lives and that I’d be doing them a favour by ceasing to poison them sooner.

Not even a moment from waking up.

Today is about generally fighting lethargy and getting money together for people so they don’t have to try to find it when I’m gone. It is both motivating and torture.

Going to sleep now and I know there will be a golden moment where I wake in the morning and I’ll have forgotten about dying, then I’ll remember, the world dimmer switch will be turned down and gravity turned up.

I’m in the pub (thinking very bleak things), generally annoyed at the impact my dad has had on my life.

At the pool table a bunch of people are talking about growing up without a dad or losing them when they were young. All of them.

I think they’d give a lot to have my problems instead.

One of the hardest things is momentarily forgetting the bleak, crushing despair so that you can smile and laugh, but then remembering and having to pretend with a rictus grin on your face.

I cancelled an Xbox live subscription today, and while that’s a fairly innocuous thing in itself, it’s the first time I’ve thought “I need to do this so it’s easier when I’m gone”

I’m sure in the risk assessment world I’ve just killed a boss and gone up a level.

Because I couldn’t get thoughts of ending it all out of my head I thought I’d try self harm.

The ideas that come to us at these times are not our best ones.

As a budding amateur, I dug something sharp into my arm and while the pain did something, I didn’t like the sensation of the skin breaking