Marjan Venema 🌻
@marjanvenema.bsky.social
After 60 years with an undiagnosed neurodivergent brain, I talk about "difficult" women and how to break free from conditioned people-pleasing & self-limitation so you can be you again.
Do the inner work if it serves you. Just know confidence isn't the issue and action is what changes things.
October 27, 2025 at 10:12 AM
Do the inner work if it serves you. Just know confidence isn't the issue and action is what changes things.
Stand your ground.
Set boundaries and police them without losing your composure.
Speak out against disrespectful behavior.
Refuse to apologize for your competence.
Don't prove or defend yourself when challenged.
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Set boundaries and police them without losing your composure.
Speak out against disrespectful behavior.
Refuse to apologize for your competence.
Don't prove or defend yourself when challenged.
...
October 27, 2025 at 10:12 AM
Stand your ground.
Set boundaries and police them without losing your composure.
Speak out against disrespectful behavior.
Refuse to apologize for your competence.
Don't prove or defend yourself when challenged.
...
Set boundaries and police them without losing your composure.
Speak out against disrespectful behavior.
Refuse to apologize for your competence.
Don't prove or defend yourself when challenged.
...
Trying to succeed in a broken system is futile, not to mention frustrating. The systems built on patriarchal values are visibly failing. The approaches women were socialized into (collaboration, care, systems thinking) are our power and exactly what we need to fix the system.
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October 27, 2025 at 10:12 AM
Trying to succeed in a broken system is futile, not to mention frustrating. The systems built on patriarchal values are visibly failing. The approaches women were socialized into (collaboration, care, systems thinking) are our power and exactly what we need to fix the system.
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Treat your hesitation as information and a predictable response to external conditioning. Then act anyway.
Because we need more women willing to be difficult and rewrite the rules entirely.
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Because we need more women willing to be difficult and rewrite the rules entirely.
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October 27, 2025 at 10:12 AM
Treat your hesitation as information and a predictable response to external conditioning. Then act anyway.
Because we need more women willing to be difficult and rewrite the rules entirely.
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Because we need more women willing to be difficult and rewrite the rules entirely.
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Give yourself permission to act before you feel ready. Getting something done imperfectly matters more than doing anything perfectly. And let's face it, you'll never feel ready however much you prepare.
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October 27, 2025 at 10:12 AM
Give yourself permission to act before you feel ready. Getting something done imperfectly matters more than doing anything perfectly. And let's face it, you'll never feel ready however much you prepare.
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Stop waiting for permission. Study the women who never asked for it. Eleanor Roosevelt. Amelia Earhart. Every "difficult" woman who stood her ground and refused to apologize. They weren't more confident than anyone else. They acted anyway.
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October 27, 2025 at 10:12 AM
Stop waiting for permission. Study the women who never asked for it. Eleanor Roosevelt. Amelia Earhart. Every "difficult" woman who stood her ground and refused to apologize. They weren't more confident than anyone else. They acted anyway.
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Acknowledging the fear of being "too much" or "too difficult" and acting regardless, is what truly counters the conditioning and lifts your confidence.
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October 27, 2025 at 10:12 AM
Acknowledging the fear of being "too much" or "too difficult" and acting regardless, is what truly counters the conditioning and lifts your confidence.
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- Set a boundary without feeling confident about it first, because you matter, anxiety and all.
- Speak up despite your heart pounding.
- Refuse to play incompetent with shivers running down your spine.
- Walk away from conversations where you're the punching bag, anxiety and all.
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- Speak up despite your heart pounding.
- Refuse to play incompetent with shivers running down your spine.
- Walk away from conversations where you're the punching bag, anxiety and all.
...
October 27, 2025 at 10:12 AM
- Set a boundary without feeling confident about it first, because you matter, anxiety and all.
- Speak up despite your heart pounding.
- Refuse to play incompetent with shivers running down your spine.
- Walk away from conversations where you're the punching bag, anxiety and all.
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- Speak up despite your heart pounding.
- Refuse to play incompetent with shivers running down your spine.
- Walk away from conversations where you're the punching bag, anxiety and all.
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That's a systemic problem that keeps handing us a faulty diagnosis and you can't therapy your way out of.
What if you stopped waiting for the confidence to act and started acting to grow your confidence?
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What if you stopped waiting for the confidence to act and started acting to grow your confidence?
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October 27, 2025 at 10:11 AM
That's a systemic problem that keeps handing us a faulty diagnosis and you can't therapy your way out of.
What if you stopped waiting for the confidence to act and started acting to grow your confidence?
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What if you stopped waiting for the confidence to act and started acting to grow your confidence?
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The conditioning that says:
- Don't be too much
- Don't take up too much space
- Make sure everyone else is comfortable first
- Diminish your competence, it's threatening
- If people don't like you, you've done something wrong
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- Don't be too much
- Don't take up too much space
- Make sure everyone else is comfortable first
- Diminish your competence, it's threatening
- If people don't like you, you've done something wrong
...
October 27, 2025 at 10:11 AM
The conditioning that says:
- Don't be too much
- Don't take up too much space
- Make sure everyone else is comfortable first
- Diminish your competence, it's threatening
- If people don't like you, you've done something wrong
...
- Don't be too much
- Don't take up too much space
- Make sure everyone else is comfortable first
- Diminish your competence, it's threatening
- If people don't like you, you've done something wrong
...
You're not alone. We all keep treating our hesitation as a personal failing that needs more fixing. When it's decades of conditioning that taught us to shrink.
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October 27, 2025 at 10:11 AM
You're not alone. We all keep treating our hesitation as a personal failing that needs more fixing. When it's decades of conditioning that taught us to shrink.
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You've done it all. More therapy. More self-reflection. More "inner work." You got really good at analyzing why you behave the way you do. You can explain your imposter syndrome and people-pleasing six ways from Sunday.
None of it changes how you show up.
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None of it changes how you show up.
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October 27, 2025 at 10:11 AM
You've done it all. More therapy. More self-reflection. More "inner work." You got really good at analyzing why you behave the way you do. You can explain your imposter syndrome and people-pleasing six ways from Sunday.
None of it changes how you show up.
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None of it changes how you show up.
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The common advice : believe in yourself more. Practice affirmations. Visualize success. Fake it till you make it.
Bollocks.
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Bollocks.
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October 27, 2025 at 10:11 AM
The common advice : believe in yourself more. Practice affirmations. Visualize success. Fake it till you make it.
Bollocks.
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Bollocks.
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I'll be talking about quite a number of them. With lists describing groups of them and with deep dives into specific ones. Like I did with Eleanor Roosevelt a couple of months ago.
So, stay tuned!
(And subscribe to 42Sidenotes.com not to miss any of it!)
So, stay tuned!
(And subscribe to 42Sidenotes.com not to miss any of it!)
October 25, 2025 at 9:12 AM
I'll be talking about quite a number of them. With lists describing groups of them and with deep dives into specific ones. Like I did with Eleanor Roosevelt a couple of months ago.
So, stay tuned!
(And subscribe to 42Sidenotes.com not to miss any of it!)
So, stay tuned!
(And subscribe to 42Sidenotes.com not to miss any of it!)
𝘗𝘳𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘦𝘹𝘢𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦: "That's a girls' present!" to a boy (who'd asked for that present) by a woman who had to work hard to establish herself in a male-dominated field.
All that being as it may, 𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗼𝗼 𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗲𝗳𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱.
Plenty of role models to inspire you.
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All that being as it may, 𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗼𝗼 𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗲𝗳𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱.
Plenty of role models to inspire you.
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October 25, 2025 at 9:12 AM
𝘗𝘳𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘦𝘹𝘢𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦: "That's a girls' present!" to a boy (who'd asked for that present) by a woman who had to work hard to establish herself in a male-dominated field.
All that being as it may, 𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗼𝗼 𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗲𝗳𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱.
Plenty of role models to inspire you.
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All that being as it may, 𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗼𝗼 𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗲𝗳𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱.
Plenty of role models to inspire you.
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Those gender-specific beliefs and values are 𝘀𝗼 𝗶𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀, have sunken 𝘀𝗼 𝗱𝗲𝗲𝗽𝗹𝘆 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘀, that we 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝘂𝗻𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗹𝘆 - 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗮𝗱𝘃𝗼𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻𝘀𝘁 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝗯𝗶𝗮𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻.
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October 25, 2025 at 9:11 AM
Those gender-specific beliefs and values are 𝘀𝗼 𝗶𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀, have sunken 𝘀𝗼 𝗱𝗲𝗲𝗽𝗹𝘆 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘀, that we 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝘂𝗻𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗹𝘆 - 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗮𝗱𝘃𝗼𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻𝘀𝘁 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝗯𝗶𝗮𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻.
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𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘧𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘷𝘢𝘭𝘶𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘴 𝟥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝟪.
It's no wonder we model the exact same beliefs and behaviors that were handed down to us.
𝗪𝗲'𝗿𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗽𝗲𝘁𝘂𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗹𝘆 𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼.
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It's no wonder we model the exact same beliefs and behaviors that were handed down to us.
𝗪𝗲'𝗿𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗽𝗲𝘁𝘂𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗹𝘆 𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼.
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October 25, 2025 at 9:11 AM
𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘧𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘷𝘢𝘭𝘶𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘴 𝟥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝟪.
It's no wonder we model the exact same beliefs and behaviors that were handed down to us.
𝗪𝗲'𝗿𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗽𝗲𝘁𝘂𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗹𝘆 𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼.
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It's no wonder we model the exact same beliefs and behaviors that were handed down to us.
𝗪𝗲'𝗿𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗽𝗲𝘁𝘂𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗹𝘆 𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼.
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As kids, we get rewarded for role-compliant behavior and punished, shamed, or ridiculed for incompliant ones. And we learn to comply (at the very least in their presence). Again, it's not our significant adults fault either. They've been indoctrinated just as much as they're indoctrinating us.
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October 25, 2025 at 9:11 AM
As kids, we get rewarded for role-compliant behavior and punished, shamed, or ridiculed for incompliant ones. And we learn to comply (at the very least in their presence). Again, it's not our significant adults fault either. They've been indoctrinated just as much as they're indoctrinating us.
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It's not your fault.
It's not the fault of the significant adults in your early life (even if they did the socialization).
𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝘀𝘆𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗺𝗶𝗰.
It's because of how we all were and are "socialized" to comply with "how to be a good girl/boy, woman/man, wife/husband, mother/father".
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It's not the fault of the significant adults in your early life (even if they did the socialization).
𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝘀𝘆𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗺𝗶𝗰.
It's because of how we all were and are "socialized" to comply with "how to be a good girl/boy, woman/man, wife/husband, mother/father".
...
October 25, 2025 at 9:11 AM
It's not your fault.
It's not the fault of the significant adults in your early life (even if they did the socialization).
𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝘀𝘆𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗺𝗶𝗰.
It's because of how we all were and are "socialized" to comply with "how to be a good girl/boy, woman/man, wife/husband, mother/father".
...
It's not the fault of the significant adults in your early life (even if they did the socialization).
𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝘀𝘆𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗺𝗶𝗰.
It's because of how we all were and are "socialized" to comply with "how to be a good girl/boy, woman/man, wife/husband, mother/father".
...
Yes, men suffer from this as much as women. They have the advantage of being granted more freedoms and having rambunctious and inappropriate behavior glossed over with "boys will be boys", and the disadvantage of having to be "not like girls".
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October 25, 2025 at 9:11 AM
Yes, men suffer from this as much as women. They have the advantage of being granted more freedoms and having rambunctious and inappropriate behavior glossed over with "boys will be boys", and the disadvantage of having to be "not like girls".
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