why indeed? i think this is simple really. i want to change my name, bc it feels weird for me to be associated with work that everyone here did. especially since i've not been around so much lately.

i haven't landed on anything that feels fitting to me me yet

i am disappointed in myself for failing this, over and over again, for so long. i could just give up here, and i won't. but rn i need to focus on survival. have to push through all this shit to see through to the other end. over time i will slowly become a person ppl want to be around again

people get scared away when i become vulnerable. i don't blame them. *i* don't even know how to help myself.
i'm no stranger to pressing the reset button every few years, but constantly starting over gets tiring. it's all i've known for the past 38 years

i know a lot of that is on me. i don't exactly seem very approachable anymore, i run away from everything. i'm probably not as pleasant to be around as i once was. perhaps i come off very inconsistent and conditional to begin with

it is always easier to fall back to posting about the happy things, much as there is much less of it, to cover things in anger. always scary to show vulnerability in spaces where no one else feels safe to show it

but how does one find the energy to fix this when you're feeling so beat down? there's only so much i can work on in therapy, and therapy is an expensive i might not always have access to.

i recognize that is of my own failing of not adequately maintaining my support network, or running away from it. i am difficult to help because i'm out of sight. i could disappear for a year and no one would question it, which is kind of scary tbh.

can't afford to give up rn but i am the least motivated i've ever been outside of a state of being in a bipolar depressive episode, & finding energy/motivation needed to get through the most minimal amt of things i need to do day by day is getting increasingly difficult (again mostly self inflicted)

gonna be thinking about this one for a while