At the end of the day, I know electoral politics won't be the thing that saves us, but I'd be lying if I said Mamdani didn't give me hope it could do something for us

She's been seen as the far left of the democratic party for so long that I fear she'll benefit from and be able to capture a portion of the base that Zohran has excited/mobilized while not being a true threat to the goals of imperialism thus neutering any actual socialist candidates chances

Aesthetics are political when aesthetics aren't our only politics, and sometimes it's okay to just eat a burger off the grill with your friends

At the end of the day, my thoughts come down to if you want to drink, dance, eat grill cooked food, and watch shit blow up, then do it. The shift in the aesthetic tone behind why is not empty - at the same time, it also isn't The Revolution™️.

Ultimately, aesthetic actually is political - just surface deep. If the only way you engage with political action is aesthetic, you need to check yourself. If you are actively politically in ways that engage with the material conditions we're in, aesthetic can be an important component

Tbh Fuck the 4th celebrations feel like a way to enjoy eating things off a grill, drinking, dancing, and watching shit blow up while justifying it as political through a rebrand and shift of aesthetic. At first, I was tempted to just simply shit on that as empty and take the side of being a hater

So much has changed for trans people over the last 15 years a lot of good and bad. Being one of the older trans people to come out of the wave of trans awareness in the 2010s but also not being that much older than the majority of that wave often feels like such a confusing and isolating place to be

I know at 29 I'm still incredibly young, but age intersecting with my transness is bringing a lot of complex feelings where I often feel so fucking old. I was born on the other side of the tipping point. Back in my day, most of us didn't find out being non-binary existed till we were in college

I love that I can be an elder to young queers and I love that I can be there to guide and support people, but where are those people for me? Honestly, it's not just a lack of elders I'm feeling but also a lack of people my own age I can relate to on this experience as well

In a lot of the spaces I'm in, I've noticed more and more that a lot of these young adults lack people looking out for them and caring about their safety, and being one of the older people in those spaces I feel more and more like that responsibility is falling on me

It being a pattern is not lost on me. Clearly, at least some if not most of being trapped in that cycle is me. I also know so many best friends or romantic whateverships going no contact with me is a red flag and I do want to be open to the possibility that I may not be innocent

Part of it is due to keeping people at a distance. Over the last 5 years, every single person I thought I was closest to eventually took advantage of me, stole from me, used me, wasn't there for me in my need, and go no contact. It's dehumanizing, and I dont think I can go through it again

(Yes, I do know what BPD is. I'm sure all the other BPD girlies out there can relate fiercely to all or some of what I said here)

I don't know if I'm ready to face the part of me even I abandoned. I don't how how to reconcile that. I think the fear of abandonment comes from the fact even I have abandoned me. I was a child, I did what I needed to to survive, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen

Letting people love me directly and confidently means I truly have to confront the pain and sadness I have over the lack of emotional safety and security granted to me in childhood. It means facing a part of me I dissociated away nearly 3 decades ago for my own safety, and that's terrifying

People who have a healthy, direct, and clear desire to be close with me and care about me feel so weird to me - it feels like a trick or a scam. I feel safest with people who are clearly not in a place in their life to give me the care I crave

And, getting close to someone for me means doing all this while also feeling deep down in my gut that they too will abandon me (and believing this often makes it self-fulfilling) and so I need to get every moment I can with them before they disappear forever

Getting close to someone for me is exhausting. I default to minimizing myself and putting ever bit of spare energy into thinking about or actively engaging with that relationship to an extent that's deeply unhealthy for everyone involved