agh it only gets worse because i have horrible paranoia and ive started becoming so fucking scared of my friends becoming better friends with eachother while im not there which is just disgusting and selfish of me which makes me feel even worse

like i am constantly surrounded by friends i just cannot reach them so i feel completely by myself and it was all so sudden that it genuinly felt like a brick wall i swear id rather go back to being physically beaten than isolated im more scared of what i could do to myself than what others could

i wish the brainfog would stay longer even its like almosot comforting the way i feel slower with it because being slower makes the hurt come slower ? i think ??